Me, Simply Put

Shiny New Jewelry

2011-04-25T15:14:00.002-05:00

Technically, our engagement story started on a nondescript evening in November while Mark and I walked through the fields of what we like to refer to as the “Bouwkamp Ranch” (aka his parent’s property.) There were no bells or whistles, not even a “down on one knee” moment. While talking about where we both were in our walks with Christ, Mark simply said “I want to walk the path of my life with you by my side” and I agreed. Even with as little time as we had spent together since reconnecting in October, somehow we just knew that we were right for each other. The conversation didn’t continue to details of where and when; I guess it was enough for both of us to know that we were on the same page with where we were headed.

Our official engagement took place about four months into the wedding planning process. The locations had been booked, the deposits had been made, and the dress was hanging in my bedroom. We’d picked out rings together but it took Mark several months to pull together the money to buy my ring, and a few weeks more before he had his plan of action figured out. I was scheduled to fly out of town on the 15th of April to drive my grandmother and her sister back from Texas. I'd been hoping that I'd have a ring to show off to the grandmas when I got to Texas but the big day came and I was still ring-less. When we got to the airport, I did the auto check in thing and then we grabbed Pizza Hut for dinner. After we finished our meal we spent some time on the observation deck and then decided it was time for me to head to the terminal check in. We were saying our goodbyes when Mark got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife. He told me that it had been fifteen years in the making but it was time for us to get it right. My eyes were watering as he slid the ring on my finger. It wasn't an expensive affair, it wasn't a big production, and it wasn't hugely romantic, but it was Mark at every turn; even down to him trying to put the ring on the wrong hand. Poor guy!

We’ve talked many times about how different life may be if 11 years ago we’d have both come to the realization that we fit perfectly. We certainly had plenty of opportunity to do things differently back then. In the end, to wish away what transpired in either of our lives since we parted ways would be to eliminate the things that hurt enough to make us stronger, to unlearn lessons we can now pass on to our children, and it would wipe away three beautiful children that came as a result of our separation. Even though there are and will continue to be frustrations along our path, it does no good to dwell in the maybes of yesterday. Together we will continue to allow Christ to be the center of our lives and we will overcome whatever hurdles are thrown in our way. For today, we are “truly, madly, and deeply” in love and we’re excited to make new memories and chart a new course together.

On another note, I’m pretty excited about my new sparkling piece of jewelry and I’ll be even more excited when Mark gives me a matching piece that seals the deal forever.

A Chapter Closes

2010-12-22T09:56:00.000-05:00

10 years ago I delivered a forgotten bible to a friend who spent Wednesday evenings surrounded by junior high aged students. Little did I know how my life was about to change. After making my delivery, I was invited to join Heather's small group for the next hour. A month later I started leading my own group of girls.

One of the first things I learned in youth ministry is that leaders are under a microscope. Teens look to you to determine what steps they should take in their own lives. Parents look to you to set a shining example of faith for the children they love. Many times I've felt inadequate in recognizing my own imperfections with the knowledge that my choices are being watched. I've learned the importance of transparency in my faith. I am not perfect, nor can I ever be, but when you are serving others being honest about your shortcomings or questionable choices is vitally important.

Another major thing I learned about youth ministry is that its a huge commitment. To invest in a young person's life you have to be willing to put time in and get dirty; all nighters, over nighters, sporting events, graduations, retreats, week long trips that take you away from family and work, unexpected late evening visits, etc. That's just the time investment. Getting messy is a whole different story. Think back to when you were a teenager... drama, acne, height, drama, weight, clothing labels, drama, puberty, relationships, friendships, did I mention drama. If you were anything like me during those years, you were looking for someone to say you were alright and remind you that its possible to survive the experience. As a leader, sure you can show up once a week for a couple of hours and you've technically filled your quota. However, if you're looking for for an "atta boy/girl" because you've simply showed up, you're there for the wrong reasons. Two fold, students will see right through your phoniness and your level of impact in their lives will be minuscule. However, if you make a few sacrifices in your schedule, be honest, ask them tough questions, and really dig in, both you and the students will benefit.

The biggest thing I've learned from being involved in youth ministry is how easily a leader's heart gets involved in the ministry. Over the course of the last 10 years I've cherished the intimacy of each year's small group, the experience gained through summer trips to various locations, the long lists of extra curricular events that I've attended to show support for our athletes, actors, musicians, etc. I've hurt with students who are trying to recover from the effects of poor choices, my heart has broken to hear students confess that they no longer believe in God, and I've celebrated achievements and said goodbye year after year to students that I have come to love. Yes, youth ministry is definitely a ministry of the heart. I know mine will never be the same.

The reason I mention all of these things is because without planning it, this chapter in my life appears to be closing. Over the course of the last couple of months, my life has begun to head in a different direction. I've fallen in love with someone who was once one of my closest friends. During our separation, as I was investing in the lives of teenagers, Mark was starting a family. He never would have chosen the course his family would ultimately take. Like me Mark sees the lesson to be learned through tough experiences and has chosen to allow this lesson in life to make him a better person, husband, and father. It still blows me away that he wants me to stand beside him in his 'new life." Truthfully, I don't know that I will never again be involved in youth ministry. In fact, I hope that one day Mark and I can both be involved together. What I know for a fact is that right now, I have other investments that require priority. A future husband and three young children who need my focus and attention.

A part of my heart breaks knowing what I'm leaving behind but another part is excited to see what the future will hold. Please continue to pray for me as I turn new pages in the book of my life.

Someday Stepmom Insecurities

2010-11-23T09:58:00.004-05:00

This weekend I will meet Mark's kids for the first time. Its a holiday weekend so I pretty much saw it coming but that still doesn't mean I don't feel unprepared. I've seen pictures and picked both Mark and Sarah's (Mark's mom) brains about Emily, Ali, and Dylan's individual personalities. I've done the best I could to try and learn as much as possible about them before this date arrives. However, I still have a knot in the pit of my stomach about how major this is.

Don't get me wrong, I'm excited to meet them and see first hand the children that Mark so adores. He's been amazing with all the kids in my family so I can only imagine that will be amplified with his own flesh and blood. I know how much he misses them and getting him to a point where he has a place to bring them for his scheduled weekend visits has been a continued point of conversation for us. Talk will one day become reality but we're still working out the details of right now. Right now, I'm uncertain.

One concern is the relationship with Mark's ex. In a perfect world, we would be able to all sit down as adults and play nice for the sake of the kids. The reality is that divorce is ugly and its already created an imperfect situation. My hope is that Jenny will see that we all want what's best for the kids but I don't know her to know if that's possible. I know Mark's feelings toward her and I'm guessing she has feelings for him that are just as volatile. I firmly believe that as time passes, the strength of those feelings will lessen. For now its an intense situation that could potentially explode around us.

As out of control as things could get with Jenny, she isn't my primary concern. Wednesday three names will become three little faces. Faces that I have the ability to impact for either good or bad. Faces that will reflect the choices that Mark and I make in our relationship. Faces that are relying on the adults in their lives to protect their innocence and childhood. Wednesday I become one of those adults. I have no doubt that Mark will be able to work me into the fabric of his relationship with his children. But at this point there are no clear instructions on how to do that in the least unsettling way possible for them. This is what leaves me feeling inadequate.

To be completely honest, this someday step mom is nervous. Prayers would be appreciated.

First Time Turkey Day

2010-11-17T15:11:00.000-05:00

♪♫ Tradition ♪♫ (right now I'm picturing the scene from Fiddler on the Roof where the dad is singing his lungs out about that very thing) Ahhhhh - the memories!!

Do you have specific holiday traditions for Thanksgiving? I would wager a guess that you do; its almost unamerican to not establish clear traditions for the ins and outs of turkey day. My family's traditions have changed since I was a child but there are still rules that must be followed and procedures that must be maintained. For instance; since my maternal grandmother passed away, we no longer split our time between my dad's family and my mom's family. We now have our own family meal at the Turner homestead. Regardless of the new location; the table still has a bird, stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, rolls, corn casserole, various pies, and whatever else we can squeeze onto it; we still sort through the black Friday adds while we wait for the bird to finish; and the guys still try to squeeze in a trip to the woods. Tradition!

As to personal routines, I start the day early. Many years ago the Freeland family started a tradition of playing football on Thanksgiving morning and eventually invited fellow KCBC'ers to join in the fun. Lance and Dennis are now serving as missionaries in Africa but the tradition of playing football at the KCHS field continues. When I bought my house in Kent City, I started making sticky buns and cocoa and bringing them to the game for the players and spectators to enjoy. Once the game finishes, I head home and start taking down my fall decor to make room for my Christmas decor. Then I'm off to mom's to help with the big meal. Tradition!

This weekend will reflect a different sort of tradition that incorporates many turkey day standards. Since high school the 4 Amigos (Rachel, Brenda J, Brenda A, and me) have gotten together each time an introduction is required (AKA each time a new guy needs to be inspected and approved of). I've been the holdout in the marriage department so its been awhile since we observed this tradition. However, its time for those who know me best (and have the most dirt on me) to meet Mark. We typically go karoaking but this time that wasn't feasible so I decided to host a party. With the holiday quickly approaching and my yearning for stuffing and gravy steadily growing stronger, I decided to make it a pre-Thanksgiving party complete with the holiday fixings. Sadly, its been about 3 years since we were all in the same room so I'm hoping that this becomes an ongoing thing so we'll at least be together once a year. Tradition!!

I have grand plans for Saturday but I also have low expectations for my ability to pull it off. This will be the first time I've cooked my own bird - eek!! I have a great cheer leading squad of people on speed dial so I should be alright. Besides, Mark will be there to help and he swears he has experience in the field of poultry preparation. Still, as it stands I'm not sure whether I'm more nervous about cooking the bird right or gaining the full support of people who have stood beside me in so many other areas. We shall see... Wish me luck! With both the poultry and the fella :)

So There's This Guy...

2010-11-11T15:11:00.001-05:00

I know you're thinking "WHAT!??" And that's okay; I'm good with that. Its true, the cobwebs have definitely begun to develop in my dating life over the last few years for various reasons. If you know me well, you know why so I won't get into that here and now. That's not what this post is about. However, currently there's this guy...

History is a funny thing sometimes and this guy and I definitely have plenty of that. I'll start at the very beginning so you get the full picture. When I was a sophomore at GHS, I took a shop class - one semester of wood shop and one semester of metal shop. The class was filled with various grade levels from seniors to freshman. I don't remember many of the people in that class but there were three freshman I met in that class that still come to mind from time to time; Mark Davis, Mike Espinoza, and Mark Bouwkamp. Mark Davis was the cousin of a close friend of mine that died of an aneurysm that year. It was a very difficult and painful experience for both Mark and I and it bonded us for a short time.

The other two guys and I became fast friends after we discovered that we all loved wrestling. During my freshman year I'd gotten involved as a statistician working under my sister's management of the team. My sophomore year was to be my first year as manager and their first year on the team so we were all pretty excited for wrestling season to roll around in November. We had a great season hanging out together and learning the ropes and expectations of the team. My junior year of wrestling was by far my best year with a great, if not rough, group of guys who respected me and a good support system of statisticians. Mike, Mark, and I were pretty much inseparable during any down time we came across. However, that year Mike broke his arm midway through the season, putting an end to some of our fun. When the season ended, after months of of him hinting at it, I invited Mark to go to my Jr Prom with me and we had a blast at the prom and after-prom party. As life goes, the next year (my senior year) brought many changes; Mike decided to not risk another break and hung up his singlet, my Jazz Choir switched their practice from mornings to evenings, and there was ongoing drama amongst the statisticians. When I wasn't with the Jazz Choir, to avoid the drama I spent the majority of practices inputting records in the coach's office rather than on the floor with the guys. Truthfully, I remember little else that we had in common in HS beyond wrestling and our love of shop class. I do remember spending hours and hours talking to both guys as our HS years quickly passed by.

After my graduation, I still made a few visits to the Bouwkamp house and I was in the stands cheering when Mike & Mark got their diplomas. As life often dictates, my friends and I went our separate ways after high school. We all stayed local but it only takes a few fingers to count the number of times I've run in to my buddies from that long ago shop class. However, the number of times I've thought of each of them cannot be so easily counted.

Fast forward to October 2010. Out of the blue I received a mysterious voice mail from Mark who was "calling to catch up." The details are irrelevant but within a week we were pretty much inseparable again. Don't get me wrong, ALOT has happened in both of our lives over the last ten years. My life and dreams have totally changed from those of the naive and innocent child I was as a senior in high school. Mark now has three beautiful children and a reputation he's trying to make amends for. Our paths went in totally different directions but over the last few weeks its been amazing to see how well our pasts fit together and compliment each other. The foundation of friendship that we developed 13 years ago has made the beginning of our current relationship relatively effortless. In many ways, when we're together, its like the last 10 years just disappear. Unfortunately we'll be working through the results of those 10 years for awhile but we're taking it a day at a time. In the meantime, "there's this guy" and I'm definitely twitterpated :)

1 lb, 2 lb, 3 lb, Floor

2010-10-19T14:38:00.000-05:00

Two weeks ago, I cleared two milestones in my weight loss journey. WooHoo!! However, I currently find that I'm disappointed in myself. I'm still eating healthier, staying active, and losing weight but my Jillian Michaels DVD is collecting dust; a clear sign that I've lost some of my motivation.

Recently I've been in touch with an old friend from HS and, while I'm loving catching up with him and seeing how easily we still connect, I'm using my time with him as an excuse for not getting up early to work out. A couple of weeks ago I was really noticing a difference in the tone of my body and feeling great about the direction I was headed in. Now what I'm noticing is a lack of change and last night something happened that made me really aware of how far I have yet to go. I don't like that awareness so tomorrow I'm going to kick it back into gear. Wish me well friends! I'll keep you posted.

Heavy Pickle Please

2010-10-13T09:59:00.003-05:00

(Photo by A. Fisher Photography)

Last night, after a cumulative nine year battle with two different types of cancer, the Lord called my friend Amy home just shy of her 37th birthday. Today, along with many others who's lives she touched, I grieve for the loss of my friend. She has gained so much but she has left behind a loving husband who has already suffered so much and two beautiful daughters who will often lack for a mother's touch as they grow up. I grieve for the moments she never will have. I grieve for the hole she has left in our family of friends as well as her natural family. If I'm being honest, I hate this!! And yet... I know I have reason for rejoicing because she is no longer suffering, or bloated, or fatigued, or feeling the stress of life on earth. I know she is now with Sunshine Joy and Josh's mom. I know too that even greater than these two things, she is in the presence of our Savior.

Lord, as so many begin the grieving process, I ask that you help us to trust your perfect will in this situation. Help us to rejoice more than we mourn.

To Amy; thank you for the laughs we shared, the encouragement you gave, and for the transparency you always showed me. You have left a footprint in the sand of my life. May the years pass quickly until we meet again. PS - Last night I had a pickle loaded double cheese burger and instantly thought of telling you about it. Two hours later I learned we'd never be able to have that conversation. I'd tell you how jealous you should be but I'm sure the "extra pickles" in heaven far outweighs our sandwiches on earth. Enjoy them my friend!! I miss you already.

"Homesick" Mercy Me

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

Clearing Out The Clutter

2010-09-03T15:11:00.004-05:00

In a dust covered box in the back of my closet there is a collection of photos, cards, ticket stubs, letters, etc. Truthfully, I would never define myself as a collector. Sure, like most women I've justified finding a permanent home for various things I enjoy; a few Better Homes and Gardens and Real Simple magazines I think may one day be useful if I redecorate or have a family; shadow boxes for little tidbits, mostly seashells and stones, I've collected from various vacations and trips; 40 or so pairs of shoes; etc. I wouldn't go so far as to say that I've held on to those things with the intention of defining them as "collections" though. In my mind, collectors keep coins, rocks, or buttons, cats even. I am no collector. However, after rifling through this box last night, I cannot help but admit that I have my very own collection.

I remember when I started my little collection. The date, the time, the location - all of it - ingrained in my mind for the rest of my life. In fact, I could close my eyes right now and remember every detail of the evening, from the phone call that started the ball rolling to getting in my car to head back home. You see, the bits and pieces of paper, flowers, jewelry, etc. stored in the back of my closet are simply the tangible reflections of the collection of memories I hold in my heart. I would even go so far as to say that each little momento in that box is representation of a little piece of my heart that was given away. In many ways, a lifetime has passed since I started placing items in the box and more than a fistful of years has passed since I put anything in it. And yet, there it sits. Far from forgotten and yet the dust collects. On the outside of the box, in simple writing probably penned with little effort yet great thought, is a name.

Last night, in a moment of inspiration, I fought the numerous cobwebs and crawled to the depths of my little closet to pull the box down. Something told me I would be there for awhile so I placed the box on my bed and sat down beside it. Mindless of what little time I had to spend wading through old memories, I opened the box and found myself surprised. Not by the old baseball sweatshirt emblazoned with his last name (I vaguely recalled putting that on top so I'd remember to return it), not by the Grand Valley sweatshirt that was once a Christmas gift, or even the glass blown frog prince I put in the box the day he told me he loved me. What surprised me was that I opened the box, saw the contents, and felt nothing. No pain, no anger, no bitterness, no celebration - nothing. I have many memories associated with the contents of the box but the strong emotion that was once tied to it has dissipated. I'll always remember the details but I'm done agonizing over them. That knowledge further inspired me to not put the box back in the closet.

As I went through the contents of the box, determining what to toss, what to keep, and what to do with the rest, I found joy bubbling up within me. Not the "celebration" I mentioned not feeling earlier, but genuine joy. Joy stemming from knowing exactly who I am and from recognizing how secure I feel in God's love for me. I think in the dark recesses of my mind, I'd felt a compulsion to hold on to the these things as a reminder that someone once loved me. In a weird (and possibly dramatic sounding) sense, they somehow represented my value. My heart can sing because I know that I am loved more intimately than any scrap of memory could ever represent. The lyrics of Selah's 'Sweet Jesus' rolled through my head as I reveled in the joy of my Savior's love!

Sweet Jesus, my Savior
You are my faithful Friend
You Made me, You know me
You've seen my every sin
And my soul is amazed
By this gift of Your grace
And these arms that take me in

Sweet Jesus, my Savior
You are my faithful Friend

Sweet Jesus, my Shelter
You are my faithful Friend
The Refuge that I run to
When my world comes closing in
Why should I be afraid
When I know I am saved
By the arms that take me in

Sweet Jesus, my Savior
You are my faithful Friend

Sweet Jesus, my Sheperd
You are my faithful Friend
You hold me, You lead me
I'll follow 'til the end
And once more I will say
On that beautiful day
When Your arms take me in

Sweet Jesus, my Savior
You are my faithful Friend

Sweet Jesus, my Savior
You are my faithful Friend

Tonight I will join my family for our annual camping trip to Sandy Beaches. A few of my "memories" will be joining me on the trip but I'll be leaving them there. I no longer need to hold on to the past. Its time to let it go... one rose at a time. Its time to clear out the clutter.

Slimfast, Green Smoothies, and Jillian Michaels

2010-08-31T09:55:00.000-05:00

I've jumped back on the weight loss wheel. You know the one; round and round it goes, when I'll give up, nobody knows... I think we've all been there. Unlike some people, I was never a heavy kid - I was far too picky for starters and for another I was too active for calories to stick. Once puberty hit though, the battle started (thank you genetics). In high school, I was relatively trim but was larger than all of my closest friends. I lost about 20 pounds just before graduation and was able to maintain that weight loss for a couple of years. However, landing a desk job did nothing to help my slowing metabolism and I started to steadily gain weight.

Over the years, I've tried various diets from Weight Watchers to P90X. The issue has never been the diet so much as the time required to put it into practice and the inflexibility to eat what I want, when I want. Each time, I am consistent for about two weeks and then give up. My excuses are many; too busy, family get together, bored, depressed, rewarding myself, etc. While there is some validity to each of my excuses, they are still just that - excuses. I've long since recognized that I have a lack of self discipline and that I am the one making choices that are making me unhappy in how I view myself. I also recognize that being fit and healthy is a lifestyle and not simply a goal. Rather than jumping on the oh-so-familiar wheel, I'm taking control now and setting the pace for the rest of my life.

That being said, the first element of health and weight loss - diet - is what intimidated me the most and therefore I tackled it first. In early July I returned from my sun and sand vacation determined to make a few changes. The more I thought about it, the more I came face to face with the reality that I don't have a schedule conducive to spending hours planning 3 healthy meals a day. Someday I may but I can't live in the someday and right now my life has me on a constant time crunch. Initially it was tough to admit that what I'd done in the past, relative to food, was continually set myself up for failure. As I considered my options for healthier eating I was committed to finding something that wouldn't end in another failure. I knew I needed something quick with as much nutrients as if I were eating 3 balanced meals a day. The week I returned from vacation I purchased my first six pack of Slim-fast; taking my first step toward change.

Its been over a month and a half and I can say with confidence that its working for me. I'm now 14 pounds lighter and I've stayed consistent - I love it! For starters, its quick and easy (perfect for my insane schedule). I wake up and slam my "breakfast" shake before hitting the shower - no muss, no fuss and the cans are recyclable. I've reclaimed my lunch hours too. The other plus is that the one I like, Creamy Milk Chocolate, tastes like chocolate milk; a treat I used to regret for hours after consuming it. Now I get two "chocolate milks" a day. YAY!! The money I'm saving by drinking my $.75 meals is now being redirected to more fruits and veggies for snacking. If I'm honest, due to a busy summer, I haven't changed my evening meals to be majorly healthy. However, I'm still seeing about a 2 lb decline when I step on the scale each week and my pants are fitting a little better on my legs. I'm excited to see what improvement will be made when I become more intentional about making healthier dinners.

One of the blogs I follow is that of a weight watchers addict who lost 80 lbs 8 years ago and has kept it off. In a post a month or so ago, she put up an intriguing photo of a green smoothie and, after discovering all of the ingredients were things I don't hate, I decided to wipe the dust off my blender and give it a try. After all, on Slim-fast I have to be more intentional about getting a decent amount of fruits and veggies each day. The first attempt was less than appealing for various reasons; a) I forgot a couple of key ingredients, and because of that b)the sludgy green goo made my gag reflex kick in. Much better the second time. I actually really like them! I don't drink them daily because they do require a little bit of time and a couple of ingredients I don't always have on hand but they're great a couple of times a week. When I have more time I'll post a pic and the recipe. Definitely a step in the right direction health wise - something that looks horrible must be good for me, right??

My favorite element of healthy living is exercise. I say "favorite" loosely. I really enjoy lifting; cardio not so much. Don't get me wrong - I enjoy the benefits of a great work out and once my body has warmed up, I do actually enjoy pushing myself. However, I'd much rather work up a sweat by working hard at something productive than by spending an hour forcing myself to stay on the treadmill. After a month on Slim-fast, I decided to take it up a notch and finally add a consistent workout to my life. Hello Jillian Michaels! I recently started her 30 Day Shred and its already kicking my butt. My first day I spent my 30 minutes with Jillian in the morning and went for a quick but slightly challenging bike ride with friends after work. The following day I was well aware of how little I'd previously used those muscles. Its a good pain though - as Jillian would say, "stressing your body, changes your body." I'm hoping that the scale reflects my expectations of the amount of calories I'll burn now that I've added exercise to my healthy living routine.

Once I've made it to Level 3 of the 30 Day Shred, I'm going to add more cardio. Jillian says that cardio is like weight loss extra credit. That's how so many of her contestants on Biggest Loser drop as much as 20 lbs a week. Its not a realistic goal for me but I'm all for adding some "extra credit" to see where it takes me. I've done enough research to know that you need to continue pushing your body rather than maintaining a consistent routine and work out. I'm hoping that adding more cardio to my 30 day shred will help me do that. I would like to see myself at least fifty pounds lighter by the new year and I'm willing to bet that I'll need a bit of extra credit cardio to get there.

One thing that's really encouraged me and motivated me is reading through various weight loss success stories. People who had convinced themselves that they couldn't do many things in life are now taking on things they never thought possible. I want to join their ranks. In order to do so I have to not only address my diet and exercise bad habits but also my mental ones. For years I've told people that I'm the opposite of athletic; uncoordinated and clutzy. While I never participated in a sports team, I have a history of being an active person. When I was a kid I was so active that I was skinny and knobby kneed and I loved gym class, even in HS. Yes, there are sports I'm not excellent at but there are other sports that I really enjoy and, given half the chance, I could probably be good at them. That's my goal. I would love to swim a mile without wimping out, maybe take on tennis again and learn to play so I'm not constantly chasing the ball, even play on a church softball team. They're not lofty dreams... more like a diving board to bigger ones; maybe a triathlon someday. I want to achieve goals that help other people believe they can do the same. I want to burn the wheel and be a success story!!

Update on Life

2010-08-19T12:19:00.000-05:00

The weather is changing, the leaves are falling, fresh MI apples are available everywhere you look - all signs that another summer is quickly ending. Its been a classic summer of craziness for me but I've also had a chance to take some time for rest too. As summer comes to a close, I want to spend a little time sharing a few of the highlights (photos too) of my summer.

In early June dad and I were finally able to finish my desk and I started putting it to use. Whereas my office used to appear a hodge-podge of things without a home in my house, the new desk creates a center to the room. I now have a workspace and more storage for my projects. The other half of the room is now where I exercise. I got great deals on a few pieces of equipment but the majority of the space is open for doing my Jillian Michaels and P90X workouts. I'm finding that I am much more motivated to exercise and work on projects now that I have an efficient space for those purposes.

Late June found me in Alabama, truly visiting the South for the first time. My aunt Susie needed to get away and just drive so we agreed to meet down in Mobile and spend a week in the area. It was the first personal vacation I'd taken since HI three years ago and I really enjoyed the time of rest and relaxation. The highlight of the trip was getting to know my aunt better. As long as I can remember, she's lived states away and this trip gave us plenty of one on one to get to know each other. She is an amazing lady and I was surprised each day by how much we have in common. Our goal was to go snorkeling but the oil in the coast and hurricane Alex forced us to change our plans to include more history than beaches. Regardless, we enjoyed our time together and never lacked for something to do. It was hard to part at the end of the week but we both agreed that there will be more joint trips in our future. On the way home from AL, I stopped in Louisville to visit the Fishers. We had a great fourth of July together with friends and family. It was good to catch up and see first hand how well taken care of they are down there.

The first week in August I made my third trek to Canada with the Rhiza teens. As with before, what an adventure! This trip followed a similar route as the last one (inclusive of the Trail of Tears) but was much more intense due to the weather. Whereas in the past, we've had great traveling weather and horrible bug problems, this trip was a total reversal. When it wasn't raining, the wind was intense. There was one day that my canoe nearly capsized a couple of times. At one point, I was feverishly bailing water with a dinner cup while Austin Armstrong and Tyler Buckner rowed for all were worth to get us safely across McIntosh Lake. Yikes! Wind, weather, routes, and treasure chests aside, it was an amazing trip. God has blessed our youth group with solid leaders this year. I would be remiss in saying that there are not students that live on the edge so much that my heart aches when I lift them up in prayer each week. I'm learning that the ache is a reminder that God has placed them in my life for a reason

I guess that's all for updates for now. I'll keep you posted on anything else new and exciting that happens in my life.

Pride Comes Before A ...

2010-05-19T17:22:00.002-05:00

As a new-ish independent home owner, I've had many instances where I've tackled projects and succeeded in accomplishing them on my own. Each time there is a sense of empowerment that comes into play. I find it very easy to take pride in my abilities but I'm also recognizing that there is a line where confidence in one's own abilities ends up reflected in pride or arrogance. As much as I hate to admit it, I spend quite a bit of time balancing on that line.

Over the last few months, my dad and I have been working on building a new desk for my office. Its a customized take on the Pottery Barn Bedford Project Table (http://www.potterybarn.com/products/bedford-project-table-set/). Pier 1 had a similar desk that I posted on my office cork board as a "dream" desk but it was $900 so it was very much a pipe dream. I was at a friend's house a few months later and I discovered that he'd built the very same desk customized for his family's needs. From there the wheels started turning in my head and here we are. Anyway, I purchased the materials for the desk in February, starting the process. A few weeks later, we cut the components at my dad's and I took the parts home to edge, sand, and paint, thinking I'd be done by the end of the month. Yeah right! Not only have I edged, sanded, and painted, I've also routered, re-painted, poly'd, added brackets, assembled, re-configured (to to a significant size miscalculation), re-assembled, and there's still so much more to do. Add to that unpleasant mix, two very busy people and what seemed a weekend project has turned into a 3 month time investment (probably 6 at the rate we're going).

Another project I've taken on recently has been a spring tune-up on my lawn mower. I successfully tackled changing the oil, the air filter, and installing an alternate blade so the other could be sharpened. All good things must come to an end though. When I mowed my lawn the first time, something happened and the gears on the rear tires stopped turning. I was too far in to not finish mowing the lawn. Have you ever mowed a lawn with a mower who's tires refuse to turn?? Lets call it P90X lawn mowing. Definitely not an experience I planned to repeat. After a little online research, I had a couple of ideas on what was causing the issue and how to fix it. Monday night I took things apart and discovered a stick wedged between the belt and track. With a little elbow grease and grease up to my elbows, I was able to work the stick out and place the belt back in the track. Last night I took the mower out for its maiden voyage - post repairs. And the belt snapped just after I made my first outline of my property. Outstanding!!

As I've struggled through both "sagas", I've been humbled in coming to terms with my own inabilities. For starters, I am not a contractor or a mechanic. I am a perfectionist. I am concerned with appearances. I am impatient. I have a temper. I am selfish. I am pushy. You see how much uglier it got as I made my list? Yeah, me too...

How fortunate I am to serve a Savior who knew my imperfections when he chose to come to this earth to die for the sin of man. "So then, shall I continue sinning?" Certainly not! I can, however, rest in the knowledge that he's covered my sin and also gave the Holy Spirit to help me conquer the temptation to dwell in my inability. I am honestly no humbler or wiser through my current struggles and I am guaranteed to struggle and fail more in the future but its a relief to know its covered and he loves me anyway.

That's all for now. I've gotta make a run for a new lawn mower belt. Be blessed.

♫♪ On the road again ♪♫

2010-03-10T15:15:00.000-05:00

We leave tomorrow night (after I get out of work) for Colorado Springs. We'll meet my northern MI family in Muskegon and jump on the highway from there. Our caravan will include 4 cars, 14 adults, and 8 kids ranging in age from 13 to 3 months. The plan is to drive straight through, alternating drivers, on the trip there. Our caravan back may play out a little different as a few people need to come home sooner and spending a few hours in a hotel hasn't been ruled out for the rest of us. My hope is to go straight through and get back late in the afternoon next Tuesday. We'll see...

The memorial will be a casual affair, more a gathering of family and close friends than a wake, so we've loaded our suitcases with jeans and khaki's per Susie's direction. Dad will be doing the service part of things. As the oldest son, he tends to lead the way in a lot of ways. Being an ordained minister allows him to step in as a spiritual head as well. We've been told that Chuck's favorite music will play constantly through the majority of the memorial; plenty of Merle and Johnny. Chuck's favorite gospel song was Amazing Grace, so at some point Stephani, Leah, and I will be doing a three part harmony of the song accompanied by my cousin Lexi's husband Jesse. It should turn out alright if we can keep our emotions in check. Its always great to have the family together so our hope and prayer is that this trip, while obviously a bit more somber, will be a celebration of Chuck's life and legacy, as well as an opportunity to cherish the time we have together as a family.

We've been abundantly blessed by family and friends who've hugged us and prayed for and with us. As we begin the journey west the prayers will continue and for that we are truly grateful. Thank you for your thoughts, prayers, and compassion as I (with my family) grieve the loss of my uncle.

Charles Edward "Chuck" Kellogg

2010-03-08T15:03:00.000-05:00

Chuck was born in Trumann, Arkansas and passed away at the Cancer Treatment Center of America in Tulsa, OK. Chuck was the retired, owner and operator of Jetway Liquor of Colorado Springs. He loved motorcycles and antique cars and was a member of several GMC Motor Home Clubs. He enjoyed restoring cars and motorcycles, taking trips with Susie, spending time with the grandchildren and hanging out with the guys at Apex Sports. He is survived by wife Susie Kellogg; daughters Robin (Mark) Nelson of Colorado Springs, Rona (Mike) Whiting of Colorado Springs; son Rodney (Jamie) Kellogg of Denver; grandchildren: Ian, Daniel, Chirstopher Nelson; Rosalie and Morgan Whiting; Jaycie, John, Jordynn and Jake Kellogg. Also survived by Mother-in-law Doris Turner of Ludington, MI; and his loyal companion, Chauncy. A celebration of Chuck's life will be held on Sunday, March 14 from 2-5 p.m. at the Chateau Apartments Clubhouse at 355 S. Union Blvd.

Saying Goodbye

2010-03-05T18:30:00.000-05:00

My uncle Chuck lost his battle with cancer and went to be with the Lord at about 7:30 on Monday morning. Its been a difficult week; coming to terms with the fact that he's gone, knowing what my aunt and cousins are going through, and making plans to head to a memorial service we prayed for three months wouldn't happen for another twenty years. With coordination of ShoWest coming to a close, installation of the new KCBC missionary display in full swing, and maintaining the rest of my regular schedule; I feel like I was granted an emotional reprieve for a few days. Now its Friday evening and other than a leisurely trip to Menards, I have no definite plans, so I'm taking a minute to be emotional.

The sun is slowly setting on a gorgeous March day as I look out the window. I can't help but compare this closure of the day to the closure of my uncle's life. Whereas dusk settles in slowly, Chuck's life was quickly cut short by a heinous disease that the world curses daily. It is a disease that is no respecter of money, class, popularity, looks, or other health. One that spreads slowly in some but aggressively in others. Ultimately, a disease where a cure has not been found and many shattered lives lie in its wake. Originally gall bladder cancer, when it was discovered in November, it had already metastasized to Chuck's liver. Looking at the way events transpired, three months seems such a short amount of time to have the battle of his life; a sudden closure rather than a slow ebb.

With the loss of Chuck, my family learns a new pattern of living. Its been nearly 30 years since we lost my grandfather and otherwise our immediate family has remained intact; no deaths, divorce, or serious rifts. I don't know if that's rare or common amongst families but I am grateful just the same. Its just one of the many ways in which we've been blessed. From what I've gathered, when grandpa died there were many painful firsts, moments where it took time to remember that things were in fact different, and even more moments tagged with "if only he were here to see this." These things will be repeated with the loss of Chuck. When the wound has healed and the scar has begun to age, there will be many times we will laugh when thinking of what Chuck's reaction would be to a certain situation, cry when we realize there should be one more person in attendance at an event, and smile as we look forward to the moment when we see him again; whole and healed. We are what is left of those that go on before us and just as my grandmother grieves and yet finds comfort in seeing the way her family reflects her beloved husband's character, quirks, and interests, my aunt will find that her new pattern of life will remind her often of what a wonderful man she loved.

As I grieve with my family for the passing of a beloved husband, father, grandfather, brother, son, uncle, and friend, I can't help but think of family moments, taken for granted at the time but now treasured memories. I encourage you to take a moment to make sure those you love know how you feel. Let go of the petty family drama, because you will one day regret the wasted time, and instead grasp hold of the shoulder or hand of those closest to you and thank God for the moments you have remaining. You never know how many of them there will be.

Ae

Shifting Gears... A Little Vulnerability

2010-02-28T00:22:00.001-05:00

This weekend finds me in Sturgis, MI; spending time with my mom's sister, Jeannie, and her family. I love the time I get to spend alone with her. She's 18 years mom's senior so she's been around long enough to have plenty of wisdom and insight to offer a spring chicken like me. Beyond that, I know that the things I share with her remain private so I don't have to filter what I say in case it gets repeated later on. (I hope that doesn't make me sound atrocious.)

As we spent the day catching up on family happenings and the like, we ultimately got around to talking about guys. Guys from my past, guy friends, guys I've just met, etc. As a rule, I don't spend much time dwelling on guys. As I shared with her, I don't spend much time praying for the right one either. Maybe that sounds jaded. I guess you just have to know me to know whether or not that's true. When I was a little girl, and even into my late teens, I prayed consistently for the right man. I was the cheesy girl who wrote letters to a future mate. I knew that someday I would meet that perfect man for me, settle down (whatever that means), and start my life. Instead, my life played out a little different and I "started my life" solo, which leads to many conversations (like the one today) about the men (or lack of one) in my life.

Any time the topic of guys comes up, it causes me to not only reflect on all things men but also to look deeper. A friend once told me that the reason I'm single is I give out a bad vibe. "You're beautiful, intelligent, talented, and you can cook," he said. "The only thing I can figure is you're sending out a bad vibe." Obviously, I took that to heart. I've probably spent hours pondering his statement. I've come to the conclusion that, if he's right, the vibe I'm sending is one of fear. Following today's conversation, I'm sitting here thinking that I am not just fearful but absolutely terrified of giving my heart to anyone:

(here's where I stop caring what you're thinking reading this and just put down what's really on my heart)

I fear losing myself again in someone else

I fear making decisions again that will haunt me for the rest of my life

I fear regretting one more wasted kiss or embrace

I fear changes in my relationship with Christ due to giving my heart to someone again

I fear being subject to manipulation and control as a result of loving someone

I fear being summarized by my failures and condemned for my flaws all in the name of love

I fear being told again that what love means to me and another person isn't the same thing

I fear learning again that I'm not worth effort, time, consideration, or truth

I fear again accepting someone's family as an extension of my own, only to later see those relationships broken as well

I fear hurting my family again by introducing them to a person who will one day walk out of their lives, or worse, hurting those I love by being blinded to anything outside of another unhealthy relationship

I fear having dreams of the future ripped away again

I fear more nights of praying for slight enough sleep that I don't dream of being rejected all night long, only to wake up exhausted and in tears, having to face another day of constant thoughts of the person who thinks nothing of me

I fear feeling the ache of pain that comes with hearing the name of, or being asked about, the one person I'm trying so hard to forgive and forget

I fear having to alter my life again to avoid the pain that comes with recalling the memories associated with certain places or people groups

I fear being told again that conversations and moments that mattered so much to me were easily forgotten by someone else

I fear having to forgive again

I fear again having to show my love by letting go and praying that God brings a godly woman into someone's life

I fear spending any more time watching the phone or the driveway for someone to change their mind and decide they can't live without me

I fear more hours of unnecessary tears

I fear additional years of explaining to myself that my value does not lie in someone else's ability to forget me

As many things as I fear, I have trust that if I'm not to live out the rest of my days solely "living in love with Jesus," He has an awesome guy in mind for me. Probably one that's slightly jaded too, who knows what its like to feel as I have. If my "right guy" wasn't hit by a truck as my recent facebook bumper sticker infers, our relationship will some day be one where each of our broken pieces fit together to create a whole picture. A picture, might I add, that when the light shines on it, the cracks and blemishes that we carry with us allow a beautiful image of Christ to shine through. On the other hand, just in case a big ol' Mack took out my Mr Right, I'm trying to live so that my collection of fears, failures, and blemishes make for a pretty good reflection of Christ too. Afterall, whether or not I'm holding someone else's hand in heaven when I meet Jesus, I just want to hear "well done... you have been faithful."

Dangerous Travel

2010-02-26T12:14:00.001-05:00

Yesterday afternoon, the doctors told my uncle Chuck and his family that he has about two weeks. He's in a significant amount of pain and his health is declining moment by moment. My uncle and his family would still like to get him home for his final moments but the two weeks the doctors have given him are contingent on him remaining in the hospital. The concern is that if he tries to go back to CO, he won't survive the trip. The last update I heard, the family was looking into bringing Chuck home in a 40' camper with two nurses (one of which is family). In order to do so with a clear conscience, the decision has to be Chuck's so no one feels the weight of making the wrong decision if the outcome is bad. Its been a quiet day for updates so far so we're hanging in limbo waiting to hear whether they've decided to brave the trip or not.

Please continue to pray. I believe in a God of miracles.

State of the Union

2010-02-25T12:30:00.000-05:00

Its been over a month since I posted. Not for lack of anything happening, just rather a lack of time. I'll get right to work correcting that and also try to summarize where things stand in a few areas. Please forgive the lack of feeling that may seem apparent in my post. I'm finding its easier to state facts than dwell on the emotional end of things and what the facts represent.

Dad had his pic line removed on 2/12. Last I knew, mom had decided to keep the line for a momento. Sort of a badge of honor. He's knee deep in physical therapy and things are going well. He's made it very clear to his therapist that his goal is to be back on the bike come April. We shall see...

We received an update from my mom's sister in regard to Skip's health. While he's still able to recognize people, Skip is losing his ability to do every day things and is now requiring more and more assistance. I will be headed south this weekend to visit my mom's family and will update my prayer request for him (and the family) accordingly upon my return. Pray for safe travel for myself and an escape for my aunt as we enjoy each other's company for a few days.

Uncle Chuck is now a patient at Cancer Research Centers of America. He and my aunt and grandmother have been bouncing back and forth between the Springs and Tulsa for the last couple of weeks. The family gets an update nearly every day because as soon as the update is sent, something changes, and another update is necessary.

The first week he was there, Chuck was told he had the worst case of liver cancer they'd ever seen and he was advised to go home and make himself comfortable. The following morning he was told that they'd decided to face the challenge and would like to try him on a different type of more aggressive chemo; one that has been somewhat successfully used to treat colon cancer. He was told he had a 30% chance he wouldn't make it. He started on that immediately.

Last Friday he had surgery so they could put a stint into his bile duct to get the chemo into his body in a more direct manner. Monday they discovered that Chuck has a blood infection and pneumonia. He was given a 60% chance to survive. It was a rough night and we were informed Tuesday morning that we nearly lost Chuck at about 10 PM Monday night. Tuesday morning there was concern that his organs were beginning to shut down. He has been steadily improving since then though and the organs are functioning better now.

Below is the latest and greatest from my aunt, sent Tuesday afternoon:
"Things change so fast here that by the time I'm reading the replies from my update it's all old news. As I said the surgery on Friday went well and Chuck was feeling pretty good on Saturday. Sunday brought a whole new speed bump and Monday night was even worse. Sunday morning Chuck was too weak to move. I had to call the nurses and have them come and get him. They admitted him back into the hospital. He has an Ecoli bacteria in his blood and it has spread throughout his body making him weak and unable to swallow. He can't have any food or liquids because it goes to his lungs. Monday he seemed to be doing better. Was awake a lot of the time and was able to talk somewhat considering his mouth and throat were so very dry.

Monday evening about 10pm his body went into shock, his blood pressure dropped and his heart rate was extremely erratic jumping from 150 to 200, up and down, and I may be wrong but I was under the impression normal heart rate should be about 90 or so. They moved him back to ICU and the doctor said he may not make it over 24 hours. I called the kids and they left Colorado at 1am and arrived here at a little after noon today. My sister-in-law will be arriving at 10:20 tonight to help keep me from completely falling apart. She is a rock and I really need that right now.

Today he is doing better, but is asleep most of the time. He wakes up for just minutes and then back to sleep. He is extremely weak, still can not shallow, so is still not allowed to have anything by mouth. All of his medications and nourishment is going thru his IV or by shots. They found he has pneumonia in the bottom of his right lung, his liver is extremely swollen and is causing him pain.

Right now we are just trying to get him well enough to get him home. The chemo is put on hold indefinitely until we can get him over all this other stuff. I have no idea when we will be back home, for how long, or when I will be able to get back to work.

Thank you yet again for all the thoughts and prayers and help. Love and prayers to all. Chuck and Susie"

Please continue to join my family in prayer for these situations.

Hope

2010-01-22T10:20:00.000-05:00

I made it through yesterday afternoon at work. Not the most productive but I did what I could. Last night was a bit more hopeful.

I spent yesterday evening at my parents discussing plans and eating chili and corn bread. Anyway, dad spent a lot of time on the phone with his siblings discussing things. My aunt says we're not done fighting. She contacted Cancer Treatment Center of America and another place and they're also looking into a more holistic approach. We're hoping to know more as soon as today. If these options tell us the same thing, we're going to have a big BBQ at my aunt and uncle's soon to celebrate Chuck's life and then a very intimate funeral will be done when he passes. As my dad was reminding Susie last night; Chuck knows where he's going so the separation will be brief and then we'll spend eternity together. We're continuously praying for a miracle so I won't allow myself to dwell on any of those possibilities right now.

I received the following email from my aunt this morning:
"Well, the doctor says that the past couple of months of chemo didn't do any good at all. The cancer has grown and he is stopping all treatment. He said continuing the chemo would cause more trouble then it is worth. The cancer has not spread to any other organs or anywhere else in the body, but it has grown within the liver and isn't getting any better."

"I will be calling Cancer Treatment Centers of America and also MD Anderson Cancer Center to find out if we can get a diagnosis from them. If our insurance will cover the cost we will be traveling to Phoenix and Houston to get their opinion before we totally give up. We have not given up on prayer and really appreciate all you have sent our way. Please continue to keep us in your prayers and thoughts and I will try to keep you all updated on our results."

Thanks to everyone for your thoughts and prayers... They are appreciated. Please continue to pray for my uncle and our family. Specifically for my aunt and their kids and grand kids.

A note to my CO family - though miles apart, we're sending love and prayers your way. I love you guys and my heart aches for what you're going through.

Heavy, heavy, heavy heart

2010-01-21T15:41:00.000-05:00

The results from my uncle's last scan just came in. He's been given 2 weeks to 2 months... As I start this post I'm struggling to find words. All I can think is "why does the answer to our prayer seem to be no, Lord?" I know liver cancer is a tough battle without much hope but that doesn't mean that I wasn't holding out hope for this situation in the same way I do for others that I love who are battling cancer.

As I try to go about the rest of my day; putting coherent thoughts together, getting work done, and planning for another trip to Colorado, all I can think is that we're not ready to say goodbye. WE'RE NOT READY TO SAY GOODBYE LORD!!!!

I'm going to spend a little time in Romans 5 tonight.

Your prayers would be appreciated.

Milestones - Update 9 on Dad

2010-01-15T15:11:00.003-05:00

Its been a busy couple of weeks... I think I'm back on top of things at work so I'm now tackling an update on dad.

He had two appointments last week; one with the surgeon and the other with the infectious disease doctor. The surgeon was very frustrated to learn the details of what had happened with the surgery. He's been performing these surgeries for 6 years and dad's is only the 4th case with infection. (In my book, that's a great track record.) That's the good news. The bad news is that, of the other 3 cases of infection, only 1 was due to infection being "carried in." The other 2 cases were due to infected hardware or sutures used to repair the rotator cuff, requiring complete replacement and a second rotator cuff surgery.

We won't know what type of infection dad has until he's off the antibiotics. Typically, he would have several weeks of the IV antibiotics and then several months of pill antibiotics. With the possibility of a second surgery looming, dad and his infectious disease doctor have decided to keep him on the pill antibiotic until a time when it would be more convenient to do another surgery - aka after bike and hunting seasons.

There are other good things that came of his appointment with the infectious disease doctor. Number one is a more aggressive treatment of the infection. The CO doctors put him on 500 mg dosage of the IV antibiotic. His new doctor has upped that to 800 mg. This will cut his total IV time from 6-10 weeks to 4-6. Also, instead of dad having to run into Grand Rapids weekly to change the dressing and port on his pic line and check his bacteria levels, he now has a nurse that comes weekly to the house to do all of that.

As to the title of this post, Monday dad will be returning to work. Yay!! Huge milestone. The doctor has signed off on him driving himself so for the last week he's been working on the details of that (similar to the special tools and tricks he had following the motorcycle accident). As of Wednesday, his pain level was decreasing and the evening chills have all but disappeared. He's been working all week to prepare himself for sitting at a desk all day by working at their home computer and tackling little projects around the house as well. Dad's not one to sit around so he's more than ready to get out of the house.

Praises - continued healing, ability to go back to work (this is a selfish praise for me as well as I don't realize how reliant I am on him here until he's not a part of my "team")

Prayers - continued healing, no recurrence of the staph infection once he's finished with the antibiotics, clarity of thought as he returns to work, safety driving

Home - Update 8 on Dad

2010-01-05T13:06:00.001-05:00

We're home!! We pulled in yesterday afternoon around 4:30 and I nearly kissed the ground from excitement. I'm serious - its rough being trapped in a two seat convertible for two days. The backseat, where I spent most of my time, is cramped, drafty, and noisy. All whining aside, we had an uneventful trip.

Weather-wise, other than a lovely snow storm in South Haven, we either made it through an area just after a storm hit and the road was cleared or just before it came through. In KS there was mile after mile of frosted and frozen trees - Gorgeous! No photos of course :( We came through IA just after a snowstorm and passed about 10 spots where vehicles had slid off into the median or the ditch. Several had already been pulled out or were in the process of being pulled but of the others that were still there for our gawking pleasure, there were two still resting on their roofs. Yikes! Praise God for protecting us.

Another interesting factor in our trip was the temperature. The temperature outside steadily dropped as we traveled through CO, NE, KS, IA, and IL, but it grew warmer as we neared home. When mom pre-started our car yesterday morning at our hotel in IA, it was -13° with a windchill of -31°. DOUBLE BRRRRRR! It was kind of fun to watch the temperature gage go up and down as we drove from state to state. No comments please - you try and find things to entertain three people in a 24 hour car ride :)

Dad's condition continues to improve. He meets again tomorrow with Dr Jabara (MI Surgeon) for a second follow up appointment. Thursday he has an appointment with the Infectious Disease doctor that Dr Hackenberg (CO Infec. Dis.) referred him to. As I said in a prior post, he will continue to meet weekly with the Infectious Disease doctor until the bacteria is out of his body. It typically takes about 6-10 weeks. Each night he has an infusion of Cubicin to treat the staph infection. After we got home last night, and following our celebratory family dinner, mom walked through the process with Steph and Leah. As Brenda so adequately put it, any monkey can do it. Its tedious but not difficult to figure out so it'll just become part of the nightly routine around the Turner home.

One other point of interest - The staph infection that dad has is a type of epi-infection. Epi infections are skin based infections. This means that either an instrument or person that was involved in his initial surgery had not been properly disinfected or cleaned and skin bacteria was transferred into the surgical site and joint. There is no way of knowing who or what or even how but an epi infection is a slow growing infection with potentially fatal results if not properly treated. Dad left the operating table with the infection but the effects weren't noticeable until over a week later. If he would have tried to return to MI for treatment, the likelihood is high that he would have lost not only his arm but potentially his life. Praise the Lord for good doctors and the good sense to listen to their advisement.

Praises - safety in travel and continued healing in Dad's body.
Prayers - dad continues to have sweats and chills, mainly in the evenings. Each time his temperature is taken, it checks out, but the whole process wears him out. His shoulder continues to heal and ache. Before the trip, he was doing well with little pain but now he has some level of constant pain.

New Year's Eve in CO - Update 7 on Dad

2009-12-31T20:21:00.001-05:00

Dad's appointment with the Infectious Diseases office went well. Once we're home, he will meet weekly with a dr to test his blood to determine how much bacteria is still there and to have his dressing changed. The training was helpful but even more helpful was the step by step instructions detailing everything that we'd just done. He will need an antibiotic treatment every day for 6-10 weeks. Its about a 30 minute process... Speaking of 30 minutes, dad seems to check his temp every 30. Hopefully the concern over that will end soon. Guess we're all just a bit touchy.

Tonight we're spending our New Year's eve with my aunt and uncle, Rhona (1st cousin), Morgan & Rosalie (2nd cousins), and Lucy (my aunt's best friend). The plan is to play Redneck Life (a boardgame where the person who ends with the most teeth wins), finish off a couple of bottles of sparking grape juice, and eat puppy chow till the ball drops. Nothing too taxing for dad.

The plan is to leave CO on Sunday morning, driving long and hard for one day, and then getting home mid afternoon on Monday. Our hope is that the weather will cooperate with that plan.

Praises - continued steps toward getting everyone home, good friends and family to welcome in the new year, puppy chow and redneck games :)

Prayers - Dad's still having a tough time finding a comfortable sleeping position at night. He twisted wrong last night and was unable to get a good night's sleep after that. Part of the problem is stiffness in the shoulder due to lack of use in the hospital. He's currently working to catch back up to where he was with exercises every hour.

The Eagle Has Landed - Update 6 on Dad

2009-12-31T00:28:00.000-05:00

Dad had his first dose of the bacteria specific antibiotic through his pic line this morning before leaving the hospital. Everything went well and his body is still responding well. No further gall bladder issues either. He shook Dr Redfern's hand and thanked him before checking out of Penrose.

After a a short delay in Grand Rapids, I made it out of the mad house known as O'Hare on time. The flights were rather uneventful; just the way I like them. Met an interesting fellow on the flight from Chi-town to CO. I think he was a few years younger than me but he seemed an old soul. He offered me chocolate, books of poetry, even a peek at the journal he was writing in. I declined all of the above, especially the poetry and journal. Decided I didn't want to know if in fact he was a youthful creeper. He was good enough to assure me that I hadn't snored while sleeping on the flight. Good to know! Seriously, he was a good guy. Very kind and considerate and hates take off and landing just as much as I do. I wish him well.

Big hugs from mom and aunt Susie upon arrival and then we were off. After a trip to Walgreens for drugs for dad, we headed to the Kellogg's. Dad met us at the door. It was great to put my eyes on him! I'd intended to take and post pics but my camera has pooped out so you'll just have to take my word regarding his health. He looks good and his temperature is normal each time we check it. Little dirt on dad; ask him what his temperature was when he checked it while mom and Susie were out to pick me up. If he fibs and tells you it checked out okay, ask why it was 95.4 :) Poor man is exceptionally reliant on other people right now.

Praises - Safe travel and uneventful flights. Dad is looking good. We'll all be getting a full night's sleep tonight.
Prayers - Uncle Chuck has a chemo appt at 10 tomorrow. Mom and I have drug administration training at 11 tomorrow.

My body has decided to start the process of acclimating to the time difference and altitude by giving me a killer headache and everyone here has 3 nights of little sleep to make up for so we're headed to bed shortly. That being said, I'm signing off ~ Ae

Cocked, Locked, and Ready to Rock - Update 5 on Dad

2009-12-30T10:26:00.001-05:00

"I'm leaving on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again..."

That's right, we're moving in the right direction now. It was nice last night to realize that my greatest concern was getting everything I needed into one carry on and making sure that my one carry on would fit into my mom's convertible. Based on my concerns earlier in the week, what a relief! (It all fit too, in case you were wondering :)

Dad will be released from the hospital this morning and I will arrive in Colorado Springs sometime this evening. Dad has to remain in town for a couple of days to make sure the pic line and antibiotics work as planned without issue. My uncle has requested that we stay through Monday to spend a little more time with him, since time with him has been limited due to the craziness with dad. Realistically it looks as if we will be leaving on Saturday or more likely Sunday to head home, putting us back in MI either Sunday or Monday.

On a personal note - I'm struggling with feelings of wanting to be in two places at one time. I'm excited to see with my own eyes that dad is going to be fine; looking forward to seeing my mom and my CO family, and spending time with my ill uncle. However, I wish I could be in MI to say farewell to the Fishers. Josh says that KCBC has impacted their family but their family has had such a huge impact on so many individuals and families in our church. I've been honored to call them friends; to laugh with, cry with, and minister with them. Josh has talked about the grace that our church has extended to him in allowing he and Amy to simply be who they were but he has done the same for others, me included. My life has been changed through learning that I don't have to fit into society's Christian mold. My parents have expressed the same disappointment in the extension of their time away from home causing them to miss the send off for the Fishers. Knowing that we will be missing an opportunity to say thank you and goodbye is very difficult.

Praises - God is GOOD and dad is coming home!! The impact the Fishers have had on the KCBC family and individual's lives.
Prayers - Safe travel and continued healing.

Until we start the drive home, I'll be updating from CO ~ Ae

Update 4 - Travel Details

2009-12-29T16:49:00.000-05:00

I'll be flying out of GR tomorrow afternoon and arriving in the Springs around 7:30 tomorrow evening. Please pray for uneventful flights and cooperative weather.

Ae

Update 3 on Dad

2009-12-29T14:20:00.000-05:00

2:00 I just spoke with mom again. Information seems to change with each new doctor that enters the room :) Anyway, the issues last night were due to fluid around the gall bladder. The blood work came back fine, indicating no actual gall bladder attack. The doctor is hoping that this issue will work itself out.

Relative to the shoulder, they've been able to isolate what bacteria it is and the appropriate medication and pic line have been ordered for sometime today. Both the infectious disease doctor and dad's CO surgeon, Dr. Redfern, are hopeful that he can be released from the hospital tomorrow. Following his release, he will need to remain in Colorado Springs for monitoring of the pic line and antibiotic. We have tentatively set an appointment on Thursday for training on how to give him his antibiotics through the pic line.

Travel - I'm waiting on a fax from the infectious disease Dr with the necessary medical certificate so I can book my flight out there for Wednesday afternoon. Best case scenario, we will leave CO for MI on Saturday morning, getting us home some time Sunday evening. If we run into either medical or weather delays, it may be a couple of days later.

Praise God for an amazing team of doctors doing everything they can to get dad on his way home, continued support and encouragement from CO and MI family and friends, and what appears to be an end to this frustrating trial. Please continue to pray for continued improvement in dad's condition, cooperative weather, and safe travel home.

Ae

Update 2 on Dad

2009-12-29T12:03:00.000-05:00

11:30 (MI) I just got off the phone with mom. Dad's ultrasound confirmed that the new issues that developed last night were in fact due to an inflamed gall bladder. The general surgeon should be in sometime within the next couple of hours to discuss dad's options. If the doctor advises him to keep the gall bladder, we need to make sure that potential for further inflammation, pain, and fever is eliminated prior to the trip home. If removal is necessary, we need to determine how long we should wait before making the trip home.

Additionally, the infectious disease doctor came in this morning to meet with dad. He looked at the shoulder and gave dad the "all clear." They will be setting dad up with a pic line so we can give him his antibiotics intravenously on the road. He indicated that if it were dependent on just the shoulder, he could head home tomorrow. While meeting with my parents, the Dr apologized that he was just now getting involved in dad's case. Apparently there was a lack of communication and he'd only just heard about dad this morning.

As to travel plans, we are again looking at me flying there tomorrow afternoon to help mom drive back. The big question marks right now are 1) when will dad be released, 2) when will he be approved for travel, and 3) will he be taking his gall bladder back to MI with him. Our hope is that following the meeting with the general surgeon, we will have answers to all of these questions and we can start taking steps towards getting him home.

Lets keep praying and get him home ~ Ae

Update 1 on Dad

2009-12-29T09:15:00.001-05:00

I spoke with dad yesterday afternoon around 6 (MI time) and he was still doing well, hoping to leave on Wednesday. We'd decided on a flight plan for my trip out there on Wednesday afternoon and were awaiting another visit from the Dr to get the necessary medical certificate so we could apply for "compassion fare" and the related insurances. Things were looking good and progressing forward.

Around 11 last night mom called to ask me to pray again as dad's temp had started to rise again. He was also experiencing abdominal pain - about a 5 or 6 on his pain scale. Around 2 AM (MI) the Dr was able to finally meet with and examine dad. He believes that his gall bladder has decided to flare up, completely unrelated to his shoulder. My mom said the look of disbelief on everyone's faces due to the irony was priceless :) The broad spectrum antibiotics that they've put dad on for the staph infection are only effective on resistant types of infection. The gall bladder issues would be due to a non-resistant type of bacteria.

As of 8 AM (MI), dad was getting an ultrasound of his abdomen to confirm the Dr's suspicions regarding the gall bladder. Once confirmed, a decision will be made as to whether or not removal is necessary. This is not the first time that dad has had gall bladder attacks and because of the inopportune timing of this attack, he would prefer to have it removed. Following the ultrasound, the Dr will advise dad how to proceed. Regardless of the new concern with the gall bladder, the information won't be available from the bacteria culture until its aged about 72 hours so dad won't be able to be released tomorrow.

The good news - while examining dad's abdomen last night the Dr also inspected the shoulder. The drain that they inserted in the joint is not pulling any more nastiness and everything appears to be progressing in a positive direction. The hope is that the drain can be removed today and the dressing changed.

On another note, travel plans have been postponed until we have more information. There are a few things being thrown around by my family. There is currently potential that Leah, a friend, and I will drive straight through (about 28 hrs) and then caravan back with my parents over the course of two days. We're also considering the possibility of sending dad on a direct flight back from Denver, once he's stable, to avoid the taxing 2 day drive back. Our CO family is sprinkled between Denver and Colorado Springs so that gives us a few more options for flights in or out. As dad's condition becomes more clear we will be able to finalize our plans and take steps towards getting everyone there and home.

Praise the Lord for continued good reports on dad's shoulder, supportive family and friends both in CO and MI, understanding employers, provision for our travel needs, and for nationwide cell phone plans :) Please continue to pray for healing for dad, strength and rest for both of my parents, peace for my 3 siblings and myself, wisdom for the Dr's, and safe travel once our plans are able to be finalized.

I'll keep you posted ~ Ae

2nd Longest Day in Turner History

2009-12-28T10:28:00.003-05:00

Most of this was copied from my email... I'm running low on the emotional strength required to put together a blog so I'm sure I'll change a few things later.

As many of you know, our family went through one of the longest days in our lives (second only to the day of his bike accident). Knowing our body of believers was praying brought to mind the words of Paul in Philippians 1:3-6. I do thank God for you!!

Expectedly so, our family was on the phone hit and miss all day yesterday trying to get information relayed. As of 9:30 this morning, I believe I have the full story to date. For those that didn't know, following dad's rotator cuff surgery on the 18th, Wednesday mom and dad left for Colorado Springs to visit my uncle (with terminal liver cancer) and my aunt (my dad's sister).

The trip was going fine until Saturday night when dad started to develop some pain and a fever. At about 1 AM dad was admitted into the Penrose hospital in Colorado Springs with a staph infection in the incision and he was placed on strong antibiotics. The hope was that the antibiotics would kick in and dad could be stabilized enough to travel back home to see his surgeon. Mom called the rest of the family at about 10:00 to let us know what was going on. Later in the morning, they found a second infection in the joint itself. The joint infection was much more critical and my mom was informed that if they were unable to clear the infection out, dad would lose his right arm. Due to dad's very limited usage of his left arm following the motorcycle accident a few years ago, we were alarmed for good reason.

Before the surgery, dad (who has a very high pain tolerance) was in a significant amount of pain and had a fever of 105.3° He was in surgery for about an hour and a half. They took a culture of the infection for further testing and then flushed the joint with 8 liters of sterile water to eliminate the infection. He is now on a broad spectrum antibiotic but in a couple of days they will get the results of the culture and know exactly what antibiotics he will need to fight this particular staph infection.

The surgery was successful and the infection and fever are under control. He's was still in a great amount of pain last night and was given a pain pump to get the pain under control. As of this morning, he still has the pain pump but hasn't needed to use it. I was able to have a conversation with dad last night through mom and then he called me himself this morning, so the high fever doesn't seem to have done any damage to his brain. (I can't describe the relief in hearing his voice following this.) For at least the next three days dad will remain at Penrose and will be closely monitored to determine whether a second flushing of the joint will be necessary. Our hope is that this will not be necessary and that near the end of the week mom and dad can begin the journey home.

Please continue to pray as he is not fully out of the woods. Its also very difficult for my siblings and I to be so very far away from our parents as we go through this as a family. I'm currently looking into the feasibility of flying to CO to help my mom drive home so prayers for cheap flights, safe travel, and cooperative weather, would be appreciated too.

Strength

2009-10-22T09:41:00.000-05:00

"Everlasting God" Chris Tomlin

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord

Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our Strong Deliverer
You are the everlasting God
The everlasting God
You do not faint
You won't grow weary

Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our Strong Deliverer
You are the everlasting God
The everlasting God
You do not faint
You won't grow weary

You're the defender of the weak
You comfort those in need
You lift us up on wings like eagles

Today this worship song is on my heart. Each time we sing it in either Rhiza or with the worship community, I get a (randomly strange) visual of one of those inflatable figures that people put out during the holidays.

Too often as Christians, living life on the front lines, we feel deflated. Not in a hopeless sense as in a life without the joy of Christ, but rather in a tired sort of way. Why is that? I believe that its because we are human and our timelines don't always match up with God's. Because of this, we take the battle into our own hands and end up exhausted trying to survive on our own strength.

Isaiah 40:31 is clear "Those who wait for the LORD will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary."

Maybe we should be waiting for God's lead in the battle, rather than charting our own course, ending up out of his will, and deflated. Just a thought. Feel free to share yours.

I'm still waiting Lord

2009-10-21T12:48:00.001-05:00

A myriad of thoughts running through my mind, emotions playing with my heart, and questions begging for answers. I'm beginning to feel like my time with the Lord in prayer is far too short for the burdens on my heart. Many of which are too personal to share online but I will share the song on my heart today.

I Will Wait - Attaboy

I hear you say
Just have faith
But I have almost run out
I can’t take
One more day
I want what I want right now
With all my heart I pray
Give me strength to say

I will wait
Wait on You
All my days if you want me to
Time is cheap
It’s not mine to keep
So I will wait, wait on You

I know you could
I think you should
Fix this situation
I scream your name
It feels in vain
Because of my impatience
My plans have fallen short
Replace my dreams with yours

I will wait
Wait on You
All my days if you want me to
Time is cheap
It’s not mine to keep
So I will wait, wait on You

Forever and a day
As long as it takes

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U9XskskW7T8

Lord, thank you for the many blessings in my life. Thank you for the relationships you've allowed to shape and mold me and others. Thank you mostly for forgiving the sin you knew I would commit, offering grace, and loving me regardless. Thank you for your Son. Our time together this morning was so short and my heart is still heavy. You see and know all of the things on my mind. I know you have a plan for all the issues bombarding my heart right now and I know there is a purpose for all of the situations I'd like to see going differently. You have proven time and again that I can trust you with my heart and the hearts of those I love so let me rest in that trust. Let us not get burdened with the earthly issues that surround our existence. Give us strength to overcome the pressures that face us each day. Let us find rest in the perfect relationship that you offer us. Carry my burden today Lord, I give it to you. Please carry the burdens of those I love as well. They may not think to ask but I'm asking for them. As much as I love them, I know you love them even more. Thank you for that. I'll talk to you later tonight, Lord.

A Heavy Heart...

2009-10-19T12:44:00.005-05:00

Let me preface this post by saying I know that I care too much. Some have called it a flaw but I honestly believe that God has created me this way for a purpose. Occasionally I question that purpose but most days I accept it and simply show people love from the abundance of what I've been given. I'm loyal and committed and when I care for someone, be it friend or otherwise, my heart aches for things in a way that many other people's may not. This post falls into the otherwise category...

Sunday I learned that John Mouthaan passed away. Thankfully, Lauren spoke to me personally before I was caught off guard with a public announcement of some sort. I can't say enough how much I appreciated that. She shared with me the details of his death and caught me up on how each person in the family was doing emotionally. Thankfully both Phil and Nick were able to fly home to be with family and take part in the funeral process. All of the remaining family was local enough to be able to drive in.

As I've prayed for their family over the last two days, the depth of my own emotion has caught me off guard. Compared to others, I didn't know John well; beyond seeing him at family events and sharing a bleacher with him at occasional sporting events. It was easy to see that he was a family man; proud of his children and grandchildren. In his own quiet way, he showed them how much he cared for them - a joke, a hug, an encouragement. All these I remember. He always struck me as someone from whom one could learn alot. A man with faith, experience, and wisdom for the asking. Probably not unlike most grandfathers.

As little as I knew John, I did know Phil and how much he cared for his grandfather. I know the level of respect that Phil had for his grandfather; the curiosity he had for the time John spent in a war (WWII) that he didn't speak about; and how much he admired the man that his grandfather was. I ache for Phil's loss of such a man. My heart goes out to the entire family, mourning the loss of their patriarch, but mainly to Phil.

I have grown close to my own grandmother in my adult years; not nearly as old as John's 86 years but aging just the same. I recognize that one day I will receive a phone call letting me know that the time has come to say goodbye to the woman who is the backbone of our family. Just the thought of what Phil is going through right now brings tears to my eyes. Partially due to consideration of the emotions I would be struggling with were our roles reversed, but mainly due to the fact that the the piece of my heart that I once gave to Phil remains with him, and he's hurting right now. (just to clarify, I'm not speaking romantically)

Tonight I'll offer my condolences to the family that was once as close as my own. Tomorrow we'll remember the man that John was, what he meant to so many people, celebrate that he's started his eternity with Christ, and lay his body to rest. For this moment though, I'm going to allow the memories to flood in and the tears to fall as I mourn for the Mouthaan's, Newton's, and Phil...

I'll leave you with the current song playing on my heartstrings.

'Trying' Eleventyseven.

Life can feel like a red light screaming "Go!"
And everyday means an answer I don't know.
This world can make you wanna fake it
And nobody wants to face it alone.
Its hard to shake that feeling that your hearts not home.

I'm trying to live,
Trying to hope,
Trying to love,
Trying to cope,
Life's a war that few of us survive.
And I'm just trying to make it out alive.

Everyone has a story to be told,
And every tongue has a lie it could expose.
This world describes all the treatments,
To keep all the secrets you want,
We've learned how to think,
Without our minds turned on.

I'm trying to live,
Trying to hope,
Trying to love,
Trying to cope,
Life's a war that few of us survive.
And I'm just trying to make it out alive.

The pain we go through is what makes us who we are.
And if we hold each other through,
The deepest darkest parts...

Then we can live,
Then we can hope,
Then we can love,
Then we can cope,
Life is not a jump it is a head first dive!

I'm trying to live,
Trying to hope,
Trying to love,
Trying to cope,
Life's a war that few of us survive,
And I know we can make it out alive.

the "joys" of previous owners...

2009-10-01T00:40:00.000-05:00

Let me start by saying "I love my house." Its old and thus filled with character, charm, and plenty of projects to take on to fill boring evenings. While far too large for just one person, the amount of space opens up endless ministry and entertaining possibilities. This excess of space also affords me the luxury of finding ways to decorate to minimize each individual space and create a comfortable and homey atmosphere.

I should also note that I really like some of the random things that have been left in my house; a vacuum, microwave, spare furniture, work benches, lumber, etc. I'm currently working to refinish an antique desk that was left to collect cobwebs and dust in the basement. What's not to love about that?? One other item that is not included in the above list but is too curious to not mention in this blog is a handmade piece of pottery that looked like several snake heads, and also contained a bunch of "questionables" inside. Good times!

Anyway, all that being said; what I don't love about my home are the "issues" that indicate not so conscientious previous owners. Let me clarify that, in venting my frustration, I'm in no way intending to criticize the character of any of the former lovers of my home. As much as a "thing" can have such attributes, the house is very endearing and seems to have been loved by many people (about which I know next to nothing). I'm sure most of these people, if not all, were decent upstanding citizens who personalized the home to their liking. My intent is to not critcize their style, just the lack of thought that accompanied some of the projects they endeavored. Both have become more apparent as I tackle each new "improvement" to what is now my beloved home. Probably more so due to my OCD nature.

Other than improving the structural integrity of the barn (for which I am truly grateful), the man I bought the home from, Ed Stedman, made no changes to the property. None that I recollect anyway, being that I toured 11 N. Clover prior to his purchase. Technically, since Ed didn't do much during his residency, he's off the hook here. "Thanks for the extra microwave and vacuum Ed." Moving on.

From what I've gathered, the people Ed purchased the home from were responsible for the update to the master bath (again, I am very grateful). However, the renovation includes improperly finished drywall; mismatched lighting, plumbing fixtures, hardware, and mirrors; upside down GFI outlets; and doors that do not match those in the rest of the house. If you're not sure what you're doing - do a little research and educate yourself. That's all I've got to say on that.

The remaining issues that have arisen were created by an unknown owner, or at least one that hasn't been clearly defined to me. The facts are as follows:

Windows. All of the original windows in the home on the lower level have been painted shut. They are the old school windows with sash cords and weights. Beyond just painting the windows shut, many of the the sash cords have been either painted (I assume to cover dust) or cut off entirely. Even if I could break through the layers of paint locking my windows show, the cut and painted cords add an additional element to my dilemma. My bedroom window was most likely replaced with the improvements done to the bathroom. As such, it is thankfully in good working order. The two sliding glass doors are also in working order but this brings me to my second window related concern ~ who puts an inaccessible second slider in a home where a window should go instead? My insurance company wanted me to put steps up to this over sized window! Instead, my dad was good enough to help me build a rail that is now mounted to the wall so no one falls out of the slider that is never used.

Wall Finishes. Nearly every room on both floors sports wallpaper with several coats of paint overtop. If that isn't bad enough, I've had to replace every single outlet and switch (covers included) because all of them had been painted over. Some with enough coats of paint to render them unuseable. Additionally, last fall I discovered that one of the upstairs rooms was never primed prior to painting. How did I "discover" this? I decided to paint stripes on the wall and at the completion of my project, when I pulled the tape lines off the wall, several colors of paint came right up with it. I called my dad (what would I do without him) in tears about this... Thanks to growing up in a constant construction project, I knew enough about spackle and patchwork to repair the mess made. Not quite good as new because tape lines are cleaner lines than the ones made by shaky hands but good enough to pass my inspection.

Plumbing. If its leaking, clamps and silicone caulk do not count as a solid fix... Even 1" thick caulk. This is not up for discussion, its just a fact. Grab your saw, some new piping and connections, pipe cleaner and glue, and do the job right.

Decks. 4x4's are not used on decks for decorative purposes. They are structural support. As such, burying them 6" in the ground is ineffective. K? Glad we're on the same page now.

I'm not quite sure how to end this post other than to say that I recognize the blessing of being able to own my own home - I am very blessed. I'm not a negative person so don't read too much into what I've said. Just have a laugh with me about the "joys" of previous owners. I would love to hear other people's stories so post a comment if you have your own horror stories to share.

I think I'm back

2009-09-09T12:15:00.000-05:00

If you have been following my blog, you may have noticed that I haven't posted consistently for - lets see, carry the 2, now divide by 4 - yeah, about 3 years. My typical excuse is that life is busy, which is true, but recently I was reminded how therapeutic blogging is so I'm going to give it another go. Bear with me as I muddle through the craziness of my life and sometimes even my emotions on here.

it started as 25 random notes...

2009-02-13T10:06:00.003-05:00

This was one of those things that goes around that you fill out and pass on. I posted it to my facebook like everyone else but then I got to thinking that, since I hadn't posted anything to my blog since last September, I could take the easy route and repost it here. Yay me for being a genious slacker :)

This started as a list of 25 random things about myself. Because there are far more random things about me than normal things, I've started with 25 but I'm going to continue adding to the list as it suits me. Enjoy and check back often.

1. I don’t like hearts. I think I used to but it changed when mine was broken… probably a weird bitterness toward the symbol.

2. I usually chew my nails when I read. I don’t know why because I can’t stand chewing my nails.

3. I love using big words but, while I know how to use them, I usually can’t give people a clear definition of what they mean.

4. I feel guilty for being selfish - all the time. I do things I don’t want to because I don’t want other people to feel bad because I’ve said no. On the flip side, I don’t do things that I enjoy because I don’t want people to feel obligated to do them with me. Because of this trait, I think I gravitate toward selfish people.

5. I love to stand in the coffee aisle in grocery stores and inhale… someday someone will catch on and they’ll kick me out.

6. I would love to dance like a professional dancer like one of Brittney’s crew or someone from River Dance but in reality I have two very grounded left feet and I probably look like an ox when I dance.

7. I’ve always loved bright colored clothes. When I was little, I idolized Rainbow Bright and Punky Brewster and tried to dress like them. I eventually moved on to tie dye, and now I’m on a colored scarf, colored heel, colored headband kick. I have random bursts of color all over in my closet.

8. I hold microphones with my fingertips because I get so nervous being in front of people that my palms sweat. I also alternate hands so I can wipe off the clamminess and keep my hands from cramping.

9. I do my best thinking in the shower.

10. I don’t like being the center of attention. I would much rather stand in the back of a group or do things anonymously. I’d rather hide in a crowd than have someone notice me. That’s me being shy I guess.

11. If I could bring people back from the dead (not in the creepy way), I’d bring back the people I loved and lost rather than those I never had a chance to know. For instance, I never knew either of my grandfathers but I’d rather have my grandmother and a few of my friends back. Not to say I wouldn’t want to know them though… kind of hard to explain.

12. I have bruised myself many times with the lights out. When I flip the switch, I randomly close my eyes too and then I trip over and bump into things. I have to mentally force myself to keep my eyes open.

13. When I was 10, I tripped while playing basketball with my brother in a parking lot and I slid on the asphalt on my face. I think I’m the only one who sees the scar.

14. I love to organize; events, people, rooms, things, budgets, etc.

15. I can’t stand a dirty house or clutter but I have specific things that I’ll let sit for a week before taking care of them. 1) I always have a pile of shoes at my door because each day and event requires a different pair and I don’t tend to put any of them away until Saturday. 2) dishes in the sink.

16. When I was a little girl, I’d organize my crayons so the blue and red were on either side of the pink and purple crayons to protect them from the other ugly colors.

17. I hated my adult teeth since they started to come in but I was 21 before I finally got braces.

18. I love having deep conversations with people but I’m always at a loss on how to start them.

19. I love watching kids grow from selfish, flighty, gangly, uncoordinated, smelly 6th graders to attractive seniors who graduate with honors and have a goal for their life and a heart for other people. More importantly, I love watching their relationships with Christ blossom as He slowly reveals himself to them.

20. My favorite way to get exercise is to work hard on something productive; like construction.

21. I have an irrational fear of peel and pop biscuit cans. When I had roommates, I’d wait until they got home so they could open the cans for me. Now I just peel ‘em with my eyes tightly closed, wrap them in a towel, and throw them on the floor till they pop open.

22. I often express myself better in song lyrics and movie quotes than my own words.

23. I talk to my best friend on the phone nearly every day. My favorite conversations are in the morning when neither of us is frustrated yet by things that have irritated us during the day. For some reason, we’re more open with each other during those conversations. The day just isn’t right until I’ve talked to Brenda; she’s like my other half.

24. I had gasoline splashed in my eye when I was 7.

25. My greatest fear is that those I love will never understand the difference between believing in God and having a relationship with Christ. My fear of having my heart broken again runs a close second.

26. I hate yogurt but I eat it for my health... Or try anyway. Sometimes I'll stock up and it'll go bad before I eat it.

27. I have a routine with taco preparation and its totally Phil Mouthaan's fault. Sour cream first because it gives the cheese, which comes next, something to stick to. Warm meat and beans follow, to melt the cheese. Salsa, then lettuce, otherwise the salsa slides right off the lettuce. Jalepeno's last. Nothing else. Doggone logical math majors - makes my OCD seem tame :) Ha ha - now you'll think of this post next time you make a taco. Let me know if you've been converted.

28. The only bone I've ever broken was my collar bone because Steph pushed me off a slide when I was 3.

29. I started getting grey hair at 20.

30. When I get the flu, I always wake up with one of two awful dreams, letting me know I'm about to wretch. Pleasant, I know.

31. I don't particularly care for animated movies; classics being the exception.

32. I have little ears. I think they're from my mom.

33. I am very patriotic. More so since 9/11 but I think I've always been.

34. My siblings still consider me an expert at fort building but my nieces and nephews are the only ones who get to see it first hand.

35. I have my belly button pierced. Brenda and I did it together for our birthday when we were just leaving our teens. She let hers go when she was pregnant for Parker but I've still got mine. Its not at all as attractive as it was when I did it though. Not quite sure why I still have it either - guess I'm just overly sentimental.

36. I'm actually very picky about food but I was raised well so I'll eat just about anything put in front of me. Way to go mom, bet you wish I'd have developed that skill a little sooner.

Bubbles Gave Me a New Sister!!

2008-09-12T10:49:00.013-05:00

Matt & Rae FINALLY tied the knot last weekend! It was a full weekend of family and friends but it was a great celebration.

Friday morning we decorated the hall - Beautiful! If I do say so myself.

Later that evening we had the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. Things went off without a hitch and Rae's brother and dad did an amazing job with a catered meal of prime rib, corn on the cob, red potatoes, and salad.

Finally Saturday - the big day. Mom, Brenda, and I had hair appointments with the wonderful Melissa VanDam starting at 8. Everyone was at the church by noon for pre wedding photos. Steph and I, as the mistresses of ceremonies, had the tricky task of keeping the bride and groom from seeing each other. I heard no complaints so I think we pulled it off alright.

The wedding was perfect. Even little Parker went down the aisle with no complications. Of course, Brenda was sitting at the end of the aisle to give him his reward for making it all the way down :)

Both girls looked like little princesses. Actually, Deidre looked a little more like a pixie than a princess but all of the kiddies were adorable in their finery.

Even the guys all cleaned up fairly well...

... and the ladies kept them on their toes.

All together, it was a good looking group.

... and then of course the bride and groom.

At long last; Mr & Mrs Matthew Turner. Congratulations!! Rae, "You couldn't have been more perfect for him if he'd have picked you out of a catalog." Love you both!

We have our own space!!

2008-09-10T14:30:00.005-05:00

Last night we had youth group in our very own, newly renovated space. It's been a long time coming but Rhiza finally has a place to call home. I am excited! I can't wait to see how God uses our new/old building for His glory.

Photos to come...

Pray for Vegas

2008-06-26T21:27:00.007-05:00

So a few weeks ago I went to Las Vegas for Construct 2008. It's a construction trade show. The internal company that I work for, Stadium Savers, had a booth at the show and my boss' decided that it was necessary to have 2 people in the booth this year - hence, my presence there. I was honored by their faith in my abilities and knowledge of the product/system but also excited about the opportunities that it afforded me; a) do some marketing outside of the office, b) see Vegas.

While in Vegas, my days were fairly routine... Woke up around 6, logged in to the company network to respond to emails and make a few calls, showered and got ready for the day, breakfast with the boss and his wife, and then manned the booth from 11-4 each day. Following the close of the show each afternoon, I had about an hour to relax in my room before we hit the strip each night.

The first evening we spent on the strip was a bit overwhelming. So much to see and everything is amazing. Each of the hotels there has a "theme" if you will. We started at the MGM Grand. Really just a walk-thru to get us to the strip but the interior of it... enormous, flashy, and chic. Then on to New York, New York. They had the statue of liberty, the skyline, the bridge, the works. So much effort and expense had gone into recreating the real thing. We moved on to the Bellagio, Caesars Palace, The Venetian, Treasure Island; each one unique and awe inspiring, each one grander than the last. So many photos and moments taken to admire the view.

We spent several hours on the strip each night just taking things in. Our hotel was off the strip, next to the convention center. When we returned each evening, I was grateful for the privacy the location afforded and for the lack of a casino in our hotel. As I laid in bed that first night, I had a deep feeling of discontent that I just couldn't put my finger on. The more I pondered it, the more I was able to come to realize what it was I was feeling. Sadness. Soul burdened and heart aching I said my prayers that night and included one for the City that I'd just wandered through. The city with the amazing view, towering hotels, flashing lights, and crowds that never sleep... that has no soul. There is so much to see and so many gods (sex, money, alchohol) but no real God.

Too often as Christians living in a "bible belt" mentality, we forget how much pain there is in our world. Its easy to go to church and fall into the routine of hoping the lost will find us. The truth is the lost are just that, lost. They need us to throw them a lifeline, to find them in the wilderness. While in Vegas, I got a good glimpse of how very lost people without Christ are. I hope that I don't forget that glimpse and that the experience is one that continues to weigh on my heart and mind. We are the hands and feet of Christ... are we effectively seeking the lost?

Just a Few Things I've Learned...

2008-04-14T09:10:00.005-05:00

For our winter series, Derek asked all of the leaders to share their testimony with the youth group. He specifically requested that we share the verses that were instrumental in developing our relationship with Christ and try to put it together like a message. Because I work with both Jr and Sr High (along with a couple of other people) I had the unique opportunity to share my testimony with both Jr and Sr High, about a month apart, in two very different ways.

You may be asking "what does that have to do with this blog?" Well, through the process of putting to paper the details of my walk with Christ, I had a bit of time to reflect on the lessons I've learned. I love to make lists and its been awhile since I posted a blog so I thought I'd take the opportunity to share this list with you. In no particular order, I've learned that...

* as the creator of my heart, God is the only one who can truly heal it

* when I focus my life around Christ, everything else falls into place

* transparency in my walk shows other Christians that they aren't the only ones who fail at being perfect

* giving your heart to someone is dangerous

* children often lose their innocence too young because of the carelessness of the adults around them

* being a Christian has nothing to do with how well I hide the not so pretty things in my life

* any sin separates me from Christ, regardless of whether its more socially acceptable than another - there is no grey scale

* dating a Christian doesn't mean you are immune to the temptation to make poor choices

* the old cliche "time is a great healer" is true but scars still hurt from time to time

* love is not an emotion... or shouldn't be anyway. Not totally detached (thanks Pete) but not always tied in with emotion.

* sometimes serving God is easy, sometimes he asks us to "step out of the boat"

* sarcasm hurts people, often unintentionally

* good friends don't tell you how to live your life. they caution you and then let you make the choice. if you fall, they hold you while you cry about it and don't say "I told you so."

* the best relationships take effort

* some people come in to our lives for a season and its not always earth shaking or devastating... just life

* the greatest blessings aren't material or monetary

* sometimes the people we notice last are the ones we later wish we'd noticed first

* no matter how careful one is about maintaining a peaceful home, certain people will always disturb the peace when they enter

* we each grieve in our own way and its wrong to criticize how another person goes about it

* its very easy to prioritize a human relationship above our relationship with Christ but the effects can be devastating

* if you think something good about a person, you should share the compliment with them

* everyone else's family is crazy too

* the less I strive for an elusive goal, the more content I am in where God has placed me

There are many more that aren't immediately coming to mind so I may update this list from time to time but that's what I've got right now. I would love it if anyone reading this would let me know about the lessons they've learned... in life and their relationships with Christ.

House Pics - Updated

2007-10-08T11:59:00.038-05:00

Master Bathroom 1
Master Bathroom 2

Office
Livingroom 1
Livingroom 2 (with view of entryway)

Dining Room (with view to kitchen)
Kitchen
Master Bedroom 1
Master Bedroom 2

Master Bedroom 3

Office

Stairwell 1

Stairwell 2

Stairwell 3 (my fav. window)

Blue Bedroom 1

Blue Bedroom 2

Purple Bedroom 1

Purple Bedroom 2

Life Update

2007-10-08T11:23:00.001-05:00

A few updates for those who read my blog...

Youth Ministry Related - In August, the Rhiza Student Ministry Team met to discuss what our upcoming semester of student ministry would look like. We discussed curriculum, leaving seniors, upcoming freshman, outreach programs, mentoring programs, etc. The biggest decision on the table was related to what night we would have each ministry. After two evenings of in depth discussion where all possible problems were addressed and solved, we decided to change the night of "The Gathering" (Sr High) to Wednesday. The intent behind the change was to allow families more time together; both our own and the families of our students. Less trips to the church, less time away from your loved ones, etc.

Since that time, we've established a clear schedule of combined and separate times of ministry for both "The Gathering" and "Edge" (Jr High). Last week was our first official week and it flowed rather smoothly and the ministry was as effective as it had been in the past. The combination of the ministries has been an answer to prayer already and I'm excited to see the new opportunities we will have as an outcome.

Home Related - I have only one "space" yet to paint in the new house. Learning the correct way to paint has been frustrating and yet its very satisfying to look around and know that I did it myself. Once the painting is finished, I may tackle stripping and sanding the painted hardwood floors in my office and foyer. Not quite sure yet. I had a great crop of tomatoes and zucchini from my expirimental planter garden. What I didn't use off the vine, I've canned and stored for use through the winter. (very "home-makerish," I know.) I haven't yet overcome my spider roommate problem. I have a few cans of poison that might do the trick but I haven't made the time to use them yet. That will probably happen soon - I'm getting really tired of nasty wolf spiders sneaking up on me.

Last but not least, I now sell Mary Kay. It's something new, hopefully successful, and what's more fun than playing with make-up all the time! A friend of mine convinced me to try it so now I've got my foot in the door. I'm excited to see where the new venture takes me.

That's all I've got for now... I'll try and add house pics in a new posting. Love to all.

Great Weekend

2007-07-02T11:21:00.001-05:00

This past weekend (and most of the entire week) I finally got the much needed rest that I needed. I laugh as I type that because many of my friends wouldn't find most of what I did to be restful but I'm not referring to physical rest.

For starters, last week our youth program was different due to combining both ministries for the week. Wednesday evening I scrambled trying to remember names for even a fraction of the 60 Jr and Sr High students but we had a great time sweating in the sauna that is called the "Christian Service Center," playing games, having sundaes, and generally just getting to know each other. I'm praying that the relationships developed last week continue to grow into beneficial relationships for both the older and younger students.

Because everyone was there Wed., Thursday I had a wonderful evening to myself. (Thank You Derek) I had a quick can of spaghettios for dinner so as to not waste a precious moment of my time cooking and then did absolutely nothing for the entire evening. No kids came, no calls, no computer, no planning, no research - nothing. In fact, I took a nap believe it or not. 6PM and I was snoozing on the couch. I read a little, watched some TV, tinkered with a couple of things. It was glorious! Don't get me wrong; I love the things and people in my life that pull me in a million directions but in order to be involved in so many lives, I have to make the time once in awhile for myself.

As to the rest of the weekend, I was able to get quite a bit accomplished. I spent Friday evening cleaning my basement in preparation for coal storage and canning in the fall. Saturday, along with some of my family and a couple of the students, I unloaded coal into my basement and my parent's shed, ran wiring and fixtures for lights and outlets in the loft of my barn, and had a group of friends (and their families) from HS over for a "birthday party." Sunday after church I finished painting my bathroom and livingroom and prepped for other painting projects. As I sat down to watch "Extreme Make-Over Home Addition" lat night, I was exhausted from all of the things I'd accomplished and yet the stress that I'd been feeling over the last couple of weeks had vanished. At that moment, I was thoroughly and totally relaxed.

Hello Monday!

Busy, Busy, Busy

2007-06-26T14:14:00.000-05:00

Did I mention that I bought a house in April. Yes, I know... "what a big girl I am."

It's a huge adventure for me with many projects ranging from small to large. When I signed on the dotted line, visions of changes were running through my head. I love construction so my dreams were big. Reality has placed my feet back on the ground though and the reality is that I'm a very busy gal. For example, I've been in the house for nearly 3 months and have yet to finish painting even the first floor rooms. (not that there's any rush but let me make my point) My bathroom was the first room I tackled (in early May) and I still haven't finished it... Because I'm too busy.

I've been in prayer quite a bit regarding this lately. As I've told other friends, a couple of years ago I felt that being busy was therapeutic and necessary in the healing process that I was going through. That period of time has long since been done and I now I feel convicted over the lack of rest in my life. Even God rested! I realize the importance of taking time for it and I can definitely see the difference in my attitude when I am well rested. All this to say that my "busyness" is not due to ignorance on the topic. Much of the issue may be related to my apparent inability to just "say no." Yes mom, I am agreeing with you - put it on the calendar :o) If I see someone in need, I jump in; if a ministry needs assistance, I'm there to stand in the background and help out; if a friend wants company on an evening that I had intended to spend alone, count me in. Not unreasonable requests or demands on my time by any means but the problem is, I never say no.

As I've come to terms with the fact that I am too busy, I've thought long and hard as to how to change that. That is where my current struggle is. How does one pick what has to go in their life? Please pray for me as I grapple with decisions regarding this. Pray that I am obedient when God directs my path in this area. Pray also that I learn to say no for my own good.

I'm not depressed

2007-04-30T08:59:00.000-05:00

So my last couple of posts make me sound like I'm depressed... I'm not :) Just had my heartstrings in a knot. Bear with me while I figure this out.

I'm Not Who I Was - Brandon Heath

2007-04-20T08:47:00.000-05:00

This is one I heard on the radio this morning and I was amazed that the artist had captured my sentiments. I've moved on but only this week did I realize how much further I have to go. It's crazy how long the scars of lost love continue to hurt. Anyway, here it is:

I wish you could see me now

I wish I could show you how

I'm not who I was

I used to be mad at you

A little on the hurt side too

But I'm not who I was

I found my way around

To forgiving you Some time ago

But I never got to tell you so

I found us in a photograph

I saw me and I had to laugh

You know, I'm not who I was

You were there, you were right above me

And I wonder if you ever loved me

Just for who I was

When the pain came back again

Like a bitter friend

It was all that I could do

To keep myself from blaming you

I reckon it's a funny thing

I figured out I can sing

Now I'm not who I was

I write about love and such

Maybe 'cause I want it so much

I'm not who I was

I was thinking maybe I

I should let you know

I am not the same

But I never did forget your name

Hello

Well the thing I find most amazing

In amazing grace

Is the chance to give it out

Maybe that's what love is all about

I wish you could see me now

I wish I could show you how

I'm not who I was

"I wish we could have this conversation. I wish we could really be friends. I wish you knew the real me, and me you. But wishes are often a distraction from reality (whatsoever is true). Reality is that the only one I can truly count on is my Savior. He's never left me, never broken my heart, never made me feel unworthy of his time and affection. He's the strength I need to get over you... No matter how long it takes." And since this post has left me far more vulnerable than I ever intended to be, I'll sign off.

No One Else Knows

2007-04-17T19:55:00.000-05:00

My world is closing in

On the inside

But I'm not showing it

When all I am is crying out

I hold it in and fake a smile

Still I'm broken

I'm broken

Only one can understand

And only one can hold the hand

Of the broken

When no one else knows how I feel

Your love for me is proven real

When no one else cares where I've been

You run to me with outstretched hands

And You hold me in your arms

Again

I need no explanation of why me

I just need confirmation

Only You could understand the emptiness inside my head

I am falling

I'm falling down upon my knees

To find the one who gives me peace

I am flyingLord I am flying

When no one else knows how I feel

Your love for me is proven real

When no one else cares where I've been

You run to me with outstretched hands

And You hold me in Your arms

Again

I have come to you in search of faith

Cause I can't see beyond this place

Oh You are God and I am man

So I'll leave it in Your hands

When no one else knows how I feel

Your love for me is proven real

When no one else cares where I've been

You run to me with outstretched hands

When no one else knows how I feel

Your love for me is proven real

When no one else cares where I've been

You run to me with outstretched hands

And You hold me in Your arms,

Ohh You hold me in Your arms,

I know that You'll hold me in Your arms

Again

Building 429 - No One Else Knows

My world is off kilter right now for reasons beyond my control. I'm not depressed; just aching to escape feelings that remain,regardless of my prayers for them to cease. Is this the thorn in my flesh? Was Paul's affliction physical or emotional? How did Job cope with the intense emotions that he felt throughout his trials? How often did Abraham and Sarah ache over their seemingly unanswered prayers? To these questions, I do not know the answers.

What I know for certain is that right now God's answer to my plea is "wait." Not the preferred answer but he is there to comfort me through this time of pain. He knows when I will see the end of it and I will trust him to guide me to the place he wants me to be. Right now, I will fall on my knees and seek rest in him.

I'm trusting that God has his eye on this sparrow

2007-02-17T21:07:00.000-05:00

As I sit alone in my apartment, my mind runs wild.

I think this all started because right now there is a bachelorette party going on that, if I would have chosen to attend, would have brought me back in time. As much as I love Rachelle, I just can't go back. Next week is the wedding and that should be interesting enough. This has nothing to do with the small town feeling I get when I spend time with people from home, for that sensation is one that I cherish with pride. Instead the issue is more with seeing and spending time with people who knew me when I was unsure of who I was myself. People that I tried so desperately to impress or mold myself into, who thought they were seeing the real me but instead were only seeing the mask that I thought they wanted to see. I had no idea who I really was, therefore neither did they. Sad really...

As God continues to show me who I am in Him, I'm seeing where I've pushed others away trying to find my identity in so many other things. The freedom I'm finding in finally knowing who I am is somewhat dimmed tonight by the regret of things that I've done and people that I've hurt while I was so focused on myself. The friendships that could have lasted, the relationships that could have been edifying had I only learned this lesson sooner. I am intensely aware of certain people that I've failed, which leads me to question how many more people I've hurt without realizing it.

How do I begin to ask the forgiveness of each and every person that I've wronged? I cannot undo the mistakes that I've made, nor can I live in the past through regret. I'm just not sure where to start. For now I'll start with the only thing that I know to do... I need to get down on my knees.

It's been awhile

2007-01-11T17:36:00.000-05:00

Wow! It's been awhile since I've posted anything. Sorry to those of you who've been waiting soooo long. I'd try to recap what's happened over the last few months but there's simply not enough time. I'll try and pick away at it with each new post.

For now I will say this; God continues to amaze me each day. Over the last few months, he's opened my eyes in so many ways. So many times, I find that after I've weathered the storm, he makes it clear why it was necessary. He's not testing me, as I so naively believed as a child, but rather using these experiences to refine me. Each challenge I face, every obstacle I must push through, causes me to be a truer reflection of Christ.

Time's awasting so I'll leave you with this revelation that God has used to change my life most recently. I have a relationship with Christ. He gives my life meaning and is my purpose. However, when I accepted Christ, I did not take on his perfection. In the body of Christ, we are not false Christians when we sin. We are not unstable in our faith when we sin. We are simply sinners, needing Christ to give us strength when we are weak. Christ's sacrifice on the cross should not be taken lightly, as justification for us to sin, but we should also remember that Christ's perfection is what allows us to know him as 'Savior'.

Distraction

2006-09-30T19:02:00.000-05:00

So I learned today that Case Maranville of CP is getting married... Soon. In a week to be exact... Oh well; he was a nice distraction for a little while :) Now the youth group kids will have to find someone new to try and "hook me up with." Gotta love relationship help from well meaning teenagers... Course I haven't done so well on my own so maybe I should take the help as it's offered :) I love 'em. (the kids I mean) Anyway, ttfn.

Casting Pearls

2006-09-24T12:32:00.000-05:00

Last fall, I was introduced (in a manner of speaking) to a band called Casting Pearls. They performed at the Ionia Free Fair with Newsboys and it was an incredible show. Over the course of the last two weeks, I've seen them twice more with the teens from our youth group. They're currently on tour "The 180 Tour" with Crystal Woodson Miller and Sara Brendall.

For those of you not familiar with this band, check them out. They're old CD has an early PFR feel with a little more electric guitar, and the new CD is a sound all their own. Their lyrics encourage evangelism and being real in your personal walk with Christ. Each of the concerts I've attended have been high energy and very reflective... Not to mention that they have an incredibly hot bass player. (Am I too old to say stuff like that? Maybe I'm spending too much time with teenagers...)

So anyway, that's my plug. Check out Casting Pearls! You won't regret it. Here are a few pics from the concerts I've been to, and of course most of them are of just the bass player :)

Stress

2006-08-30T20:35:00.000-05:00

Hello all,

I haven't posted in awhile... Sorry. I've been under an enormous amount of stress. ... For me anyway. It's amazing how so many different areas of my life can become frustrating all at one time. Or is it just that one thing is off so the rest seem worse? Who knows...

The thing that's been the most challenging is work... I spend most of my time there, after all. I used to really enjoy my job and now I'm questioning whether it's time to move on. The work is the same; I'm still balancing dispatch, clerical, and office management responsibilities for Paradigm and Stadium Savers. I've developed great relationships with most of my vendors and have earned the respect of many of our installers. I get a rush figuring out how to get material across the border effectively and giving a late driver what for, and its a great feeling knowing the product so well that I can handle sales calls without disturbing my bosses. Within the front office though, my support system has fallen apart. Rather than having someone communicate with me, back me up, and jump to challenges when needed, I feel like my team is working against me rather than with me. I've tried to step back from the situation in order to find a solution to the problem, and I've come up with a few ideas, but I feel like ultimately I'm hitting a brick wall. Is the Lord trying to tell me to step out of my comfort zone and leave or am I looking for an easy way out of a seemingly endless battle? Am I really to leave a secure job that I love because of an immature woman with an oversized ego? These are the questions I'm trying to answer...

Like I said, this is the biggest of my stresses right now. Some of the others are too close to the heart to comment on here so I'll save those for my offline journal. Your prayers for all of it would be appreciated though. When I read the scripture about perservering through trials, I never imagined it may be a forewarning. Either way, like most, there are trials I am going through. Prayers for strength and wisdom are always appreciated.

Much Love,
Ae

James 1:2-6

2006-07-17T14:44:00.000-05:00

Canada was amazing! Amazing scenery, amazing work-out, amazing relationships built, amazing meals (on that, I'm lying through my teeth), and an overall amazing experience with my family of fellow believers. I really got to know the Sr High youth group and it was incredible to see the way God was working in their lives during the week. The teens were not the only ones changed by the wilderness of Canada though; God opened my eyes as well.

Prior to leaving for Canada, we were given "conversation cards" meant to help build relationships between the trip goers. The card was punched and tied to a string that we hung around our neck all week. On one side was numerous questions intended to be conversation starters. On the opposite side was our verse for the week, 1 Peter 5:6-11. Reading 1 Peter caused me to reflect on many different shortcomings in my life, however, it is the verse that was given to us on Monday, 1 James 1:2-6, that continues to strengthen and encourage me.

The verse speaks about persevering through trials. When I signed up to go to Canada, I felt really burdened over a lot of personal issues. Once I made the decision to go, I was excited about the hiking and the canoeing but I was really looking forward to spending time in God's creation without the distractions that my everyday world had to offer. I needed the break! I needed to be refreshed and I really needed to pray for the things weighing my heart down. Beyond the personal issues (that I won't get into), I was having what I considered a serious spiritual struggle. For a time, I'd been feeling that my relationship with Christ was growing "stale." Not in the sense that I was bored, but rather, I wasn't seeing the spiritual growth and maturation that I'd seen in the past. I felt like I was just kind of on hold with Christ, waiting... (not exactly my cup of tea). When I began reading James, I began to reflect on all of the trials of the trip but also the trials of life that I was carrying along with me. In my list, I included my frustration with my seeming lack of spiritual growth. As I contemplated the verse, I realized that it too was a trial that I must perseverance through. It changed my whole perspective!

Wednesday, we had "solo day." A day completely devoted to worshiping Christ; reading, praying, journaling (maybe some crying :o). It was a day of fasting as well. When I left the area I had selected to spend my day in, I felt so refreshed spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. I'd spent the time giving my burdens to the Lord and it felt great! I'm not saying I grabbed my rose colored glasses again but I did place my trust back in Him.

Anyway, Canada 06 was an incredible experience. It was more physically challenging than the previous trip I'd made but that just adds to the experience in my book. I also came home with new friends and a couple of new "adoptive" younger brothers. Plus, I now have a great tan and I've lost another 10 lbs. What more could a girl ask for?

Canada 06

2006-07-07T09:25:00.000-05:00

I leave for Canada tonight!!! Can you tell I'm excited?

I'm carrying a bit of extra weight this time, but in trying to take the weight back off I've also done a lot more to prepare for the trip, since I now know what to expect. It seems that there is a great group of kids going too; approximately 22. Some who really desire to know Christ and some who know him only on the surface. My hope is that the experience will bring each teen to a deeper knowledge of Christ; that it transforms them individually and also impacts them as a "youth group"

If you would pray for us while we are gone, it would be much appreciated. I'll post pictures and highlights from the trip when I get back.

On a separate note, just after I posted that terrible update photo, this shot was taken of Parker and I. He's getting so big... this was pretty close to his 5 month mark. Amazing how they change so fast...

Farewell to the Captain

2006-07-05T12:15:00.000-05:00

Photo by CARLOS OSORIO, AP

While not surprised, I was sad to learn that Steve Yzerman had decided to retire.

I'm new to the world of hockey; a fan for only a few years, however, when I began watching the Wings, it was easy to see who led the team. It will be odd to not see the captain on the ice but at the same time, it's exciting to see what his next step will be. I know they've offered him an office job but, along with almost every other Wings fan out there, I'm hoping to see him in a coaching position.

I can't adequately do the story justice so I've included a link to a great write up on the former captain of the wings... hopefully it works.

http://www.mercurynews.com/mld/mercurynews/sports/hockey/nhl/san_jose_sharks/14960741.htm

Headline - "Bubbles to Wed"

2006-07-05T11:56:00.000-05:00

I just knew he couldn't wait...

Matt had this great plan as to how he was going to propose but he's now engaged a month earlier than planned. The doggone ring burned a hole in his pocket... I joke, but really I'm ecstatic :o)

Much love to you both! Looking forward to the day when you're legally a part of our family, Rae (cuz everyone knows you made it into our hearts a long time ago). If it was up to me, you are exactly what I would have picked for my baby brother...

First Date - Update

2006-06-27T11:36:00.000-05:00

For all of those who are curious... I haven't heard from my "online friend" since the date. In my mind, it sends a pretty clear message. Considering our hours of prior communication, it would be very courteous of him to at least call.

Regardless of my disappointment over the fact that the relationship didn't continue, my life has been changed by our friendship. He helped me to see what a selfless man my age behaves like. Getting to know him also helped me to realize that there are men who share my interests, my passions, and also similar insecurities. In fact, most people walk around "broken" in some way and it is through those imperfections that God connects us on a deeper level.

As far as first dates go; my advice to all is 1) immediately plan a second date if you're even somewhat interested in the person. If your nerves do get in the way of the first date, hopefully by the second date you'll be a little more comfortable. 2) Pick something fun that you both enjoy. It may have helped to keep things casual/natural and alleviated some of the nervous energy. We should have gone fishing...

Although my communication with this particular person is seemingly over, good has come from the experience. No regrets! Just a stepping stone in the path of life...

It's time - Update 1

2006-06-21T20:13:00.000-05:00

I LOST TEN POUNDS!!!

(okay so this picture is bad but it's the most current one I have)

While I generally avoid the scale like the plague, I took a risk and stepped on it last night. I figured since I've committed to becoming healthier, I should take a peek. I'm glad I did... It's great encouragement! Hawaii bikini(s), here I come :o) Okay, so that's cheesy, but I'm excited about meeting my goal.

It's encouraged me to become more dedicated to my daily fitness routine. Surprisingly, I was more committed throughout the winter. Once the weather warmed up, I convinced myself I'd continue my routine outdoors and could ditch the pricey gym membership. I went from a daily 1 hour aerobic workout and weight routine to a 3-day a week cardio "attempt." While I've lost weight going the lazy route, I keep thinking how much more I could have accomplished had I been more willing to part with my cash.

So anyway, back to the gym I go... If only they'd splurge for a little air conditioning :o)

Thanks for the support! Please keep cheering me on...

First Date Jitters...

2006-06-19T12:03:00.000-05:00

So cluing many of you in... In March I met this great guy online. After emailing for several weeks and spending countless hours on the phone, we decided to meet face to face. Last night we had our first "date"... A scary concept at first :o)

Anyway, what a gentleman! He opened doors and allowed me to enter first, paid for everything, and was even willing to meet my "safety net" of Brenda and David enjoying desert in a nearby booth. Just an overall great guy! (which completely fit my expectation of him based on our previous conversations)

Only one problem; I was a nervous wreck all night! My generally outgoing nature flew right out the window and I felt completely tongue tied and could barely meet his eyes (which were very nice; possibly another cause for my nerves :o). The point of meeting someone face to face is to determine chemistry. Just because two people can talk for hours, they may find no attraction to each other on a physical level... I get that completely, however, I had hoped that I'd be able to put my best foot forward and be able to converse comfortably. Instead my stomach was in knots and I kept trying to keep my foot out of my mouth... It was a nice evening but at the end of the night, I don't think either of us was sure what the other one was thinking regarding chemistry :o(

I guess I'll just call it "first date jitters." We'll see what happens from here... Wish me luck!

Amber Can Cook

2006-06-14T21:31:00.000-05:00

When talking to a friend the other night, he seemed surprised that I could cook. Not a big deal to me but a very big deal to him. By asking a few simple questions, I discovered that he'd grown up in a home where Sunday was the only day he got a home-cooked meal. I can't even fathom that...

Our conversation made me realize how spoiled I've been that, not only did I have entrees prepared from scratch, I had a family meal nearly nightly. Sure my siblings and I bickered over who sat where and who got the "pretty fork," but really, the time that we were able to spend at the dinner table was precious. We discussed our daily adventures, spent a little time confessing, shared our hopes and dreams, and talked about scripture and faith. It was a time where we were free to discuss anything and everything without concern over whether it was "proper" or the time limit.

Through our nightly conversation time, I learned who my family really was, the good and the bad. I can't imagine missing that during my childhood!! What a blessing to have the ability to be free to talk and share a meal with family. I never realized how rare a treat it was...

As Mother's Day has passed and Father's Day is quickly approaching, it's a great time to reflect on the priorities that one's parents have maintained. To my parents, communication and conversation was important, not only in their relationship, but also within our entire family unit. For that I will forever be grateful...

The joy and sorrow of a cousin's marriage

2006-06-04T09:09:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, my cousin Lexi married the man she loves, Jesse Stamper. The wedding was beautiful, the bride gorgeous in her white gown, and the reception a time to look around and appreciate the blessing of family (and what a large and boistrous family I have...)

Following the reception, we gathered around to wish the couple well and squeeze in one last hug. As I stood looking around at my cousins, aunts, and uncles waiting for a moment of Lexi and Jesse's attention, I realized that in one sense we were saying goodbye. This morning there will be a family brunch, and then Lexi will be moving to Kentucky with her new husband (following their honeymoon in the Smokies). Of course we'll see her again; but her family will be established in Kentucky and that is where it will grow. We will share her joys and sorrows from a distance, over phone and email, rather than through a hug or a visit. Watching her walk down the aisle gave us cause for celebration, however, wishing her a safe journey causes us to pause in sadness. While leaving and cleaving is what God intended, it's not always easy.

I wish you well Lexi (and Jesse)... Don't forget where home once was. We'll miss you!

Today Features Extended Hours

2006-04-15T15:09:00.000-05:00

Wouldn't it be nice if one morning, rather than waking up to the annoyance of the typical ring of our alarm, we woke to hear the alarm announcing that the day would feature extended hours. Like the mall at Christmas! Rather than having 24 hours to that particular day, somehow there'd be a couple of extras squeezed in there.

With a couple of extra hours a week, we could all take care of some of the stuff we either put off or only dream of. I could finish the great book I've started reading, play soccer with my niece and nephew, spend more time in prayer or devotions; maybe I'd even be on time to things. Seriously! Brenda would have one more hour to spend with Parker and David before going to Hackley; Kasey one more hour to talk to Mark before she was off to Grices. Just think of the possibilities!

For today, let's all pretend that we're living in extended hours. I just spent part of my hour washing my shower curtain and fiddling online... What about you?

It's time

2006-03-30T12:55:00.000-05:00

Regardless of how commitment phobic I've become, I'm going to take the leap. ... and NO I'm not getting involved again (sorry to my matchmaking friends and family).

Often, until you tell other people about something, you aren't completely committed to follow through with it. Maybe that's why couples invite everyone they know to witness their exchange of vows. Occasionally they need someone to remind them that they promised "till death do us part." This is kind of one of those things, only on a much smaller scale.

I'm on a quest to create a "healthier me." That's my commitment. Not to be a size 0 or run 15 miles; simply to be healthier. Maybe it's strange that I'm announcing it like this but I really need my friends and family to encourage me and keep me accountable. So, now I'm committed! If God can change me on the inside, I can certainly change me on the outside :o)

What a Bummer!

2006-03-28T12:17:00.000-05:00

Tonight as I was leaving work, I got to see the sun set... at 7 PM! What wonder! What joy! And then I remembered that soon the clocks will change and leave us all in the dark again. Bummer.

Do most people even need an extra hour of daylight in the morning??? I certainly don't. I really don't mind not seeing the sun until I'm leaving the gym; nor do I mind not having it peek in my window on the mornings that I'm able to sleep in. However, it'd be grand to have that wonderful fire ball illuminating an evening hike or bike ride. Might be nice to plant flowers or visit friends in the daylight after a few frustrating hours at work too. But no, we get a glimpse of the freedom that daylight offers, then it's lights out again.

I'll say it again "What a bummer!"

Enjoy the late sunsets friends, they'll be coming a lot sooner in just a few short days...

Hmmm

2006-03-16T12:35:00.000-05:00

So the quote in my Franklin today is "Those whom we support hold us up in life." (Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach)

Not quite sure I agree with this one. In my mind, it's another one of those things that's circumstantial. I can support someone all I want but they may still be too self-centered to "hold me up." Unless of course she means that supporting others keeps us from getting where we need to be. I guess that depends on where we need to be.

I don't think I'm making much sense today. It's one of those "ouch" kind of days; too many memories, good and bad. Can't undo the past but, regardless of my approval, it shapes the future. As much as I've grown and learned, some days I still hurt for what could have been. What should have been... Whatever though! Moving on...

2 Corinthians 12:9, NLT "My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in weakness"
Song of the day... "For the Moments I Feel Faint" - Reliant K (it pretty much says it all)

Am I at the point of no improvement?
What of the death I still dwell in?
I try to excel, but I feel no movement.
Can I be free of this unreleasable sin?
Never underestimate my Jesus.
You're telling me that there's no hope.
I'm telling you your wrong.
Never underestimate my Jesus
When the world around you crumbles
He will be strong, He will be strong
I throw up my hands "Oh, the impossibilities"
Frustrated and tired Where do I go from here?
Now I'm searching for the confidence I've lost so willingly
Overcoming these obstacles is overcoming my fear
I think I can't, I think I can't
But I think you can, I think you can
I think I can't, I think I can't
But I think you can, I think you can
Gather my insufficiencies and place them in your hands,
place them in your hands, place themin your hands

... laboring until Christ is formed in us

2006-03-13T13:12:00.000-05:00

So I attended a church ministries conference at Calvary Baptist this weekend. The experience was much different than what I was expecting! Actually, I’m not even sure what I was expecting...

The conference took place Friday evening and all day Saturday; 3 sessions total with speaking and music interspersed. The sessions that I selected were entitled “The Privilege of Prayer,” “Passing the Baton - Mentoring the Next Generation,” and a final session entitled “Making Relationships Real with Teens.” The insights that I gained through these lessons were priceless!

If ever you’ve considered attending the conference and haven’t made it a priority, DO IT!!! I can guarantee that you won’t regret it. Course you’ll have to wait a year to test that guarantee :o)

For those of you who were there with me; Let us remain focused on the fact that we labor for one thing… “that Christ may be formed in us” (Galatians 4:19)

Song of the Day... "Every Little Thing" - Hawk Nelson
"Life can be so simple if we'd all just learn to pray"

Office Visit

2006-03-09T13:34:00.000-05:00

Here is a new photo of one of my favorite office visitors (notice the paperwork behind his head). He and his mommy joined me for lunch today, following his second doctor’s appointment. He got his first shot this morning and was a little trooper about it.

More to follow…

Please pray for my friend...

2006-03-09T13:26:00.000-05:00

Last night the title of our Jr. High study was “God’s Nation in Distress.” We walked through the development of Jerusalem (via Ezekiel 16). Throughout the devotional, we compared the way that God was disregarded by his chosen people to the way that we regard Him and those that love us the most; our parents.

The conversations that our study led to were amazing! Girls who normally sit and chat amongst themselves during the study actually got involved in our discussion. They really opened up and left themselves vulnerable for a change. It was encouraging to see them focus and yet sad to discover the pain that lay buried deep within.

There is a beautiful young lady that I am blessed to have in my group of girls this year. She is funny, vibrant, and loyal but she has a broken heart and it is quickly and drastically affecting the person that she is becoming. Please join me in prayer for her. Specifically, pray that she begins to desire an intimate relationship with her Savior; the only One who can heal her broken heart. Also pray that she progresses in the openness that she exhibited last night and that she is reminded of our study and remains consistently aware of her behavior toward those who love her.

Thanks in advance for your prayers.

Ae

Just another day at Paradigm

2006-03-08T12:49:00.000-05:00

Yesterday morning, as I watched the snow gently fall on the window that parallels my desk, I couldn’t help but think about how blessed my life is. Funny how a tiny little thing like a snow flake makes one appreciate life. God is good!

Pushing the Line

2006-03-03T13:25:00.000-05:00

Here’s a question that I’ve been seriously conntemplating lately… Why is it that Christians are constantly pushing their way to the edge of the line that scripture has clearly defined? I’m so guilty of this it’s sad. Seriously!

For example, when does someone become a glutton? Or at what point does a physical relationship become fornication? What about materialism; when does one cross from simply enjoying the act of shopping or having nice things, to becoming a materialist. Alcohol; why is it that we can’t be satisfied with having a drink or two? Why must we take it to the point where we have a buzz or we’ve gone way too far and we’re flat out drunk? These examples are really just the tip of the iceberg! Why do we try to get as close as possible to the line that we know we are not to cross? Why is the temptation to test the boundary so great?

I’m not talking about moral nonbelievers; I’m talking about people with seemingly healthy relationships with Christ. If we asked around, we’d probably find that a majority of Christians have things that they regret doing or getting involved in. I certainly do! The regretted acts aren’t things that most of us intended to do, but we took enough steps in the wrong direction that we eventually fell off the cliff. Our seemingly minor daily decisions brought us closer and closer to the line that we didn’t want to cross. Before we knew it, we were shocked to discover that we’d stepped over that line. Personally, I can’t lie and say that I didn’t want to take those first steps; it was only the big ones I never planned.

So what’s the draw? Why do we so strongly desire to test the limits; push the line?

I’m at a loss…

I Live!

2006-03-01T10:49:00.000-05:00

Do you ever have days where you’re just excited to be alive and healthy?

Maybe I’m alone in that… Following being miserably sick for over a week, I find myself extremely excited to be healthy again. I’m talking a spring in my step, whistling, the whole gambit. Some days it’s great to look around, breathe in and out (without an inhaler), and thank God that I am alive and healthy.

Psalm 118:24 “This is the day the Lord has made, let us be glad and rejoice in it.

Song of the Day… “Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah” - Song of The South
“Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay, My, oh my what a wonderful day! Plenty of sunshine heading my way, Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay!"

When allergies get you down, laugh!

2006-02-18T18:28:00.000-05:00

If you don’t have allergies, you may not understand.

A few years ago, I noticed that I was constantly exhibiting cold-like behavior. My primary doctor recommended that I make a trip to an allergist. Sounded great to me! I'd finally feel better; no sniffling, sneezing, itching eyes, etc. So I made an appointment and awaited my big day. It didn't bode well when, upon entering the reception area, I heard a child wailing down the hall. I couldn't imagine what they were doing to make a kid scream like that. Not a terrified scream, but a miserable one nonetheless. I would soon see...

Little did I know that the only way to determine whether a person is allergic to something is to stick the head of a "toothpick" into the person's back. A toothpick, might I add, that has been dipped in an allergen. Did you know that there are darn near 9o airborne allergens? Neither did I. That means 90 toothpicks stuck into your back, while your shirt is off in a cold room. Not cool!

Once they've stuck you full of holes, they leave you to sit for 20 minutes with clear instructions not to scratch. This is probably pretty easy for someone who doesn't end up being allergic to much. When you're allergic to a quarter of the things they've stuck you with, it's a challenging feat. So there I sat, 20 minutes later, dying to reach my hand around to my shoulder blade for a quick little swipe when the doctor stepped through the door. Low and behold, several of their "stickings" had become raised and red. Gee, what fun! (I was beginning to understand why the kid was screaming). My doctor proceeded to tell me that I was in fact allergic to several (major understatement) allergens and they needed to do further testing. Know what that means? I'll tell you. It means they repeat the toothpick process on a smaller scale on your arm, just to be sure. Boy was I enjoying my visit!

Needless to say, I made it through that day. I now know that I am allergic to many things easily treated by medication. The down side is that the medication has "possible" side effects that at times seem worse than the occasional sniffles. For instance, I get sinus infections... a lot! (kind of gross, I know) This is why I’m sitting at home on my computer rather than being out with my friends. Scripture says to "count it all joy" so that's what I'm going to do. Being sick is not generally joyful but at least I can laugh about my trip to the doctor... And when my head stops feeling like it's going to blow off like one of those helium balloons that's had it's plug pulled, I'll laugh at that too. You have to admit, it does make a funny mental picture :o) While you laugh, I’m going to go take more medicine and crawl back in to bed…

The Day of the Heart

2006-02-15T12:10:00.000-05:00

Valentine's Day passed quietly this year and yet it was definitely a day for reflection.

This time last year I was kind of a mess. Spiritually I was growing in leaps and bounds but I was a wreck emotionally. I had so many questions and so few answers. When I was offered an opportunity to get the answers I so desperately needed, I jumped at the chance. Sadly, my focus was still on me rather than Christ. When I took that leap, I fell, HARD! Not only did I not get the closure I needed, I started over in the healing process, both spiritually and emotionally.

This year, my focus is where it should have been all along. As I’ve said in the past, it's not about me, it's about Him! Through the showering of His love, He's taught me that the only answer I need is Him. Regardless of the path that my life takes or the choices (good and bad) that I make, my questions were answered a long time ago on Calvary. He’s it! As a Christian that’s all I need, so yesterday was a good day.

I did appreciate the flowers though…

Suggested Book... "Falling in Love with Jesus" - Dee Brestin & Kathy Troccoli

“The secret to an abundant life lies not in ten steps, but in developing a deep love relationship with Jesus, abandoning yourself to the greatest romance of your life!”

Great Song!

2006-02-13T15:47:00.000-05:00

So this morning as I was dragging my sorry, sleepy butt through my pre-work routine, I heard Pillar's latest song "Frontline"... Great! Of course I'd heard it before but never in the frame of mind that I was in. Additionally, I don't think I'd ever listened to the lyrics in depth. Anyway, so here's my song of the day. The whole thing...

"Frontline" - Pillar

It's not like I'm walkin alone
Into the valley of the shadow of death
Stand beside one another
Cause it ain't over yet

And I'd be willing to bet that if we don't back down
You and I'll be the ones that are holding the crown
In the end when it's over we can say well done
But not yet cause its only begun

So pick up and follow me we're the only ones
To fight this thing until we've won
We drive on and don't look back
Doesn't mean we can't learn from our past

And all the things that we mighta done wrong
We could've been doing this all along

Everybody with your fist raised high
Let me hear your battle cry tonight
Stand beside or step aside
We're on the frontlines

And we'll be carrying on
Until the day it doesn't matter anymore
Step aside you forgot what this is for
We fight to live we live to fight and tonight you'll hear my battle cry

We live our lives out on the frontlines
We're not afraid of the fast times
These days have opened up my eyes
And now I see where the threat lies

We've got to lead the way

Reflections on the weekend

2006-02-06T15:56:00.000-05:00

Yet another weekend has passed...

Of course the biggest part of the weekend was the superbowl. My sister (and roomie) and I spent the evening with our home fellowship group enjoying good study, good fellowship, good food (of course), and a borderline football game.

Seriously, what was with the refs this year? The Seahawks were robbed. Not of victory, that may have never happened, but of an equal opportunity. The flag on their touchdown in the first quarter, maybe I'll give them that, but the second quarter call regarding the Steelers second touchdown... Just ridiculous!

Okay, I'm done with my rant now. I did find some of the commercials to be entertaining and I won $25. Maybe next year I'll get to see a good game...

Here I am

2006-02-03T19:07:00.000-05:00

Thanks for visiting my blog! I'm excited to be able to say that I've created it with very little techie help (thanks Sara and Josh).
As you scroll through my ramblings, I hope that you come away feeling like you know me better. Life is so busy at times! My intent here is to give my family and friends a chance to check up on my life. So anyway, here I am. Feel free to comment (please be nice) and check back any time.
Ae
P.S. If the internet isn't really your thing, feel free to call my cell.

Parker

2006-01-31T10:18:00.000-05:00

photo courtesy of Leah Turner

He’s here!!!! Yes, the waiting has ended and Parker has finally arrived. Thursday, January 26 at 2:52 PM, Parker Duane Jones entered the world. Parker after his daddy and Duane after his grandpa was 7lb 4oz and 20” long. He has his daddy’s eyes and brown hair and his mommy’s nose and mouth; a perfect combination. Parker also ended up with his grandpa’s big hands J Daddy brought mommy and Parker home from the hospital on Saturday and everyone is doing well.

I was honored to attend and assist David and Brenda in Parker’s birth. What an incredible experience! If I never have children of my own, the event will go down as the greatest in my life. How someone can experience such a thing and still deny the existence of our Creator, I will never know. They are so intricately made; both mother and child. Our bodies are designed so expertly to be able to withstand and perform in such a manner. Wow! That’s about all I can say… Amazing!

photos courtesy of my cell

Psalm 139:13-16
“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”

Today’s Song… “He Gets That From Me” – Reba McIntire
“His curly hair and his knobby knees, the way the sun brings those freckles out. Talk and talk, never miss a beat, yeah, he gets that from me”

Katelyn's Fish

2006-01-23T12:49:00.000-05:00

To Katelyn,

Once upon a time
In a land not so far away
There lived four friendly goldfish
They were very happy fish
Swimming and playing in their watery home
Then one day the wind turned cold
And the scent of winter was in the air
The fish’s friend Katelyn was worried
Would her pals freeze if left outside?
She kneeled one night and said a prayer
Asking God to provide for her friends
“Bring them a home to keep them warm,
And a nice person to feed them too.”
Then I came along with a great big pond
And a selection of fish flakes and pellets
Katelyn’s fish would even make new friends
And they’d live in a jungle of sorts
With a waterfall like home, and a fountain
So Katelyn’s fish took a ride to the city
They were excited to join their new friends
They’re now happy and healthy
And looking forward to summer again

Whatamessage!

2006-01-23T12:26:00.000-05:00

Wow! Isn't it funny sometimes how a sermon can catch you just right?

Sunday, our pastor wrapped up our three week "Spiritual Retreat". His focus was on emptying our spiritual suitcase of all the things that weigh us down and he used a verse in Luke to challenge us to commit to dying to those things. It was simply incredible and touched on so many of the things I've been struggling with lately. Each of the 5 things he listed could be directly applied to my life and I found myself wanting to dispose of all that burdens me.

I continued to ponder his message as I went about the rest of my day and I found myself coming back to his Aslan Ethic, "He gave up so much to gain so little." I realized that I am in a position to do the same. I can give up my materialism, let go of my bitterness, walk away from my fixation on other people's approval, and I can certainly deny myself the things that bring brief pleasure. In doing so, I will gain the things that I cannot purchase or work hard enough for; contentment, fulfillment, joy.

It's so simple and yet I've fought so long to hang on to my "baggage". For what purpose though? All I can say is that I'm realizing it's time to let go... Pastor Chris, I am unloading my suitcase, thanks in part to your encouragement.

Luke 10:41
"Martha, Martha," He said, "thou art careful and troubled about many things"

Today’s Song… “Cares Chorus” - Kelly Willard“I cast all my cares upon You. I lay all of my burdens down at Your feet. And any time I don't know what to do, I will cast all my cares upon You.”

Forever

2006-01-19T15:14:00.000-05:00

A friend recently asked me what forever meant. Specifically, he was questioning whether it was a subjective term used by females. After much consideration, I gave him an answer. Because I spent so much time thinking about it, I thought I'd post an edited version of my response. To this friend (you know who you are), I hope that you find a satisfying answer to your question...

From my perspective, the use of the word forever does depend on the circumstance. While I don't believe that this is a gender specific issue, I have noticed that the softer sex is more open to using this type of word. However, when "forever" is used carelessly by either sex, it doesn't retain the same meaning as when it's used with careful consideration.

Ultimately, the only thing that is guaranteed forever is God. Humans are weak and sinful creatures and often our forever only stretches as far as our earthly concept of the word. Because of this, things that were intended to be 'forever' (i.e. life, love, patience, kindness, etc.) have deadlines caused by sin. When those things expire, pain is an unavoidable result.

Keep this thought in mind as you decide whether to focus the majority of your time in things that may not last forever...

Psalm 102:27
"You are always the same, your years never end.”

Today's song... "I am" - Mark Schultz
“The author and perfecter, beginning and the end, I am”

An Endless Wait

2006-01-15T10:14:00.000-05:00

I've decided that friends and families of women who are induced or have C-section deliveries are oblivious to what a blessing a scheduled birth is. As I await the birth of my closest friend's first child, I find myself unreasonably irritated by the unpredictability of the event.

She has asked me to be present when her little guy arrives and I am truly honored to take part, however, the waiting is frustrating. Technically she's not due until January 30 so there's really no rush, but she's showing signs that give us reason to believe he'll come sooner than that. Hence, my impatience.

I find myself with a cell phone as a constant companion. Whether I'm showering or sleeping, at work or church, my LG is ever present. Typically, I'm very considerate with my cell phone as it relates to those around me, but I'm finding that being available at all times is trumping my usual consideration.

As I contemplate the source of my frustration, I have to admit to myself that it is not related to my cell phone or even being able to control the situation. The heart of the issue is that I'm struggling to watch someone I care about suffer. For 9 months she's struggled with an unusually difficult pregnancy. Knowing that "the end is near" is great consolation but not knowing how much longer she will have to continue in pain may prove to be my undoing. Of course I'm excited to lay eyes on a child that was created as a result of the love between this husband and wife, but I'm truly looking forward to the end of my friend’s discomfort.

So I continue my vigilance and maintain my relationship with my cell phone. Until I get that call, I will continue to pray that little Parker arrives quickly and puts an end to our waiting.

1 Samuel 12:16
"Now stand still and see the great thing the LORD will do before your eyes.”

Today's Song... "He's My Son" - Mark Schultz
"I'm down on my knees again tonight; I'm hoping this prayer will turn out right"

A special little boy

2006-01-13T16:05:00.000-05:00

Nine years ago today Ryan Owen Kennedy took his first breath! While my family didn’t meet him until nearly two years later, this little guy would forever alter our lives.

Surprisingly, I remember the exact day that I was first introduced. It was the day of my senior prom and my sister’s new boyfriend had brought his son along for a visit. What a cutie! He was a chubby, waddling, toe-head and I fell in love the moment I laid eyes on him. Despite the excitement of my date’s arrival, I distinctly remember taking a moment to watch Ryan play in a puddle in the driveway, oblivious to the chaos around him.

Long story short, my sister ended up marrying that boyfriend and the smiling blonde baby became my first nephew, and only thus far. (No pressure Matt & Rae J) Over the last 9 years, he’s grown to be a bright, sensitive, and fun-loving child. A little rough around the edges at times, as all boys were designed to be, but a joy to be around. He’s a wonderful big brother to his sisters and I’m proud to call him my nephew. He’s an irreplaceable part of our family.

So anyway, Happy Birthday Ryan! I’ve got a present all wrapped up with your name on it. I’ll see you this weekend.

Psalm 127:3
“Truly children are a gift from the Lord; the fruit of the womb is a reward.”

Today’s song… “Godspeed” – The Dixie Chicks
“The rocket racer’s all tuckered out, Superman’s in pajamas on the couch. Goodnight moon, we’ll find the mouse, and I love you”

Epiphany

2006-01-12T14:08:00.000-05:00

I have this issue... At times I think it's a rather wonderful characteristic but occasionally I find it frustrating. "What?" you say. I over think things; yes I'll even admit it. For instance, the other day I was contemplating friendships. I have a friend who has basically been abandoned by those who should be looking out for him. Being the type of person who jumps into relationships heart first, I have never understood those who enter relationships only in an attempt to appease their own selfish nature. (I could go off on a serious bunny trail here).

Yesterday, as I considered the situation that this friend has found himself in, I had this amazing epiphany. I'm a firm believer that in healthy loving relationships, your love is reflected when your main concern becomes meeting the needs of the other person. You don't have to worry about meeting your own needs because real love means that they will be striving to meet your needs as well. This becomes quite evident in marriage relationships but can also be seen in friendships. (Allow me a minute to stress the fact that humans are incapable of meeting all of each other's emotional needs and this is where a relationship with Christ comes in to play. Now that being said, please continue.)

So the really amazing thing that finally clicked with me is this; if earthly love is even a dim reflection of Christ's love for the church, I don't have to worry about me. My physical needs; but also my dreams, goals, and my hearts deepest longings; Christ knows those things and he is concerned and focused on me to the point of meeting those needs. Alternately, my only concern should be living a life that glorifies him. A life that worships him and reflects my love for him.

As my mind tried to consider all of the far reaching affects of this, I was overcome with a sense of peace. My focus lately has been how to heal and bring my life to a point where I'm satisfied with my status. I've struggled to find that place and my intimate connection with Christ, at times, has seemed non-existent. What I'm realizing is that taking care of my self emotionally has never been my responsibility and my focus on it has kept me from truly loving Christ. I can allow Someone else to step in and take care of it for me but even more so, I can find purpose in falling deeply in love with my Savior.

As I try to allow this thought to change my life, may it also challenge you to discontinue putting your needs above the longings of our Savior's heart.

John 15:7
If you remain in me, and my words remain in you, you will ask what you desire, and it will be granted!

Today’s song… “You Make Me Come Alive” – Rebecca St. James