A Chapter Closes

10 years ago I delivered a forgotten bible to a friend who spent Wednesday evenings surrounded by junior high aged students.  Little did I know how my life was about to change.  After making my delivery, I was invited to join Heather's small group for the next hour.  A month later I started leading my own group of girls.

One of the first things I learned in youth ministry is that leaders are under a microscope.  Teens look to you to determine what steps they should take in their own lives.  Parents look to you to set a shining example of faith for the children they love.  Many times I've felt inadequate in recognizing my own imperfections with the knowledge that my choices are being watched.  I've learned the importance of transparency in my faith.  I am not perfect, nor can I ever be, but when you are serving others being honest about your shortcomings or questionable choices is vitally important.

Another major thing I learned about youth ministry is that its a huge commitment.  To invest in a young person's life you have to be willing to put time in and get dirty; all nighters, over nighters, sporting events, graduations, retreats, week long trips that take you away from family and work, unexpected late evening visits, etc.  That's just the time investment.  Getting messy is a whole different story.  Think back to when you were a teenager...  drama, acne, height, drama, weight, clothing labels, drama, puberty, relationships, friendships, did I mention drama.  If you were anything like me during those years, you were looking for someone to say you were alright and remind you that its possible to survive the experience.  As a leader, sure you can show up once a week for a couple of hours and you've technically filled your quota.  However, if you're looking for for an "atta boy/girl" because you've simply showed up, you're there for the wrong reasons.  Two fold, students will see right through your phoniness and your level of impact in their lives will be minuscule. However, if you make a few sacrifices in your schedule, be honest, ask them tough questions, and really dig in, both you and the students will benefit.

The biggest thing I've learned from being involved in youth ministry is how easily a leader's heart gets involved in the ministry.  Over the course of the last 10 years I've cherished the intimacy of each year's small group, the experience gained through summer trips to various locations, the long lists of extra curricular events that I've attended to show support for our athletes, actors, musicians, etc.  I've hurt with students who are trying to recover from the effects of poor choices, my heart has broken to hear students confess that they no longer believe in God, and I've celebrated achievements and said goodbye year after year to students that I have come to love.  Yes, youth ministry is definitely a ministry of the heart.  I know mine will never be the same.

The reason I mention all of these things is because without planning it, this chapter in my life appears to be closing.  Over the course of the last couple of months, my life has begun to head in a different direction.  I've fallen in love with someone who was once one of my closest friends.  During our separation, as I was investing in the lives of teenagers, Mark was starting a family.  He never would have chosen the course his family would ultimately take.  Like me Mark sees the lesson to be learned through tough experiences and has chosen to allow this lesson in life to make him a better person, husband, and father.  It still blows me away that he wants me to stand beside him in his 'new life."  Truthfully, I don't know that I will never again be involved in youth ministry.  In fact, I hope that one day Mark and I can both be involved together.  What I know for a fact is that right now, I have other investments that require priority.  A future husband and three young children who need my focus and attention.

A part of my heart breaks knowing what I'm leaving behind but another part is excited to see what the future will hold.  Please continue to pray for me as I turn new pages in the book of my life.

Someday Stepmom Insecurities

This weekend I will meet Mark's kids for the first time.  Its a holiday weekend so I pretty much saw it coming but that still doesn't mean I don't feel unprepared.  I've seen pictures and picked both Mark and Sarah's (Mark's mom) brains about Emily, Ali, and Dylan's individual personalities.  I've done the best I could to try and learn as much as possible about them before this date arrives.  However, I still have a knot in the pit of my stomach about how major this is.

Don't get me wrong, I'm excited to meet them and see first hand the children that Mark so adores.  He's been amazing with all the kids in my family so I can only imagine that will be amplified with his own flesh and blood.  I know how much he misses them and getting him to a point where he has a place to bring them for his scheduled weekend visits has been a continued point of conversation for us.  Talk will one day become reality but we're still working out the details of right now.  Right now, I'm uncertain.

One concern is the relationship with Mark's ex.  In a perfect world, we would be able to all sit down as adults and play nice for the sake of the kids.  The reality is that divorce is ugly and its already created an imperfect situation.  My hope is that Jenny will see that we all want what's best for the kids but I don't know her to know if that's possible.  I know Mark's feelings toward her and I'm guessing she has feelings for him that are just as volatile.  I firmly believe that as time passes, the strength of those feelings will lessen.  For now its an intense situation that could potentially explode around us.    

As out of control as things could get with Jenny, she isn't my primary concern.  Wednesday three names will become three little faces.  Faces that I have the ability to impact for either good or bad.  Faces that will reflect the choices that Mark and I make in our relationship.  Faces that are relying on the adults in their lives to protect their innocence and childhood.  Wednesday I become one of those adults.  I have no doubt that Mark will be able to work me into the fabric of his relationship with his children.  But at this point there are no clear instructions on how to do that in the least unsettling way possible for them.  This is what leaves me feeling inadequate.

To be completely honest, this someday step mom is nervous.  Prayers would be appreciated.

First Time Turkey Day

♪♫ Tradition ♪♫  (right now I'm picturing the scene from Fiddler on the Roof where the dad is singing his lungs out about that very thing)  Ahhhhh - the memories!!

Do you have specific holiday traditions for Thanksgiving?  I would wager a guess that you do; its almost unamerican to not establish clear traditions for the ins and outs of turkey day.  My family's traditions have changed since I was a child but there are still rules that must be followed and procedures that must be maintained.  For instance; since my maternal grandmother passed away, we no longer split our time between my dad's family and my mom's family.  We now have our own family meal at the Turner homestead.  Regardless of the new location; the table still has a bird, stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, rolls, corn casserole, various pies, and whatever else we can squeeze onto it; we still sort through the black Friday adds while we wait for the bird to finish; and the guys still try to squeeze in a trip to the woods.  Tradition!

As to personal routines, I start the day early.  Many years ago the Freeland family started a tradition of playing football on Thanksgiving morning and eventually invited fellow KCBC'ers to join in the fun.  Lance and Dennis are now serving as missionaries in Africa but the tradition of playing football at the KCHS field continues.  When I bought my house in Kent City, I started making sticky buns and cocoa and bringing them to the game for the players and spectators to enjoy.  Once the game finishes, I head home and start taking down my fall decor to make room for my Christmas decor.  Then I'm off to mom's to help with the big meal.  Tradition!

This weekend will reflect a different sort of tradition that incorporates many turkey day standards.  Since high school the 4 Amigos (Rachel, Brenda J, Brenda A, and me) have gotten together each time an introduction is required (AKA each time a new guy needs to be inspected and approved of).  I've been the holdout in the marriage department so its been awhile since we observed this tradition.  However, its time for those who know me best (and have the most dirt on me) to meet Mark.  We typically go karoaking but this time that wasn't feasible so I decided to host a party.  With the holiday quickly approaching and my yearning for stuffing and gravy steadily growing stronger, I decided to make it a pre-Thanksgiving party complete with the holiday fixings.  Sadly, its been about 3 years since we were all in the same room so I'm hoping that this becomes an ongoing thing so we'll at least be together once a year.  Tradition!!

I have grand plans for Saturday but I also have low expectations for my ability to pull it off.  This will be the first time I've cooked my own bird - eek!!  I have a great cheer leading squad of people on speed dial so I should be alright. Besides, Mark will be there to help and he swears he has experience in the field of poultry preparation.  Still, as it stands I'm not sure whether I'm more nervous about cooking the bird right or gaining the full support of people who have stood beside me in so many other areas.  We shall see...  Wish me luck!  With both the poultry and the fella :)