I'm Not Who I Was - Brandon Heath

This is one I heard on the radio this morning and I was amazed that the artist had captured my sentiments. I've moved on but only this week did I realize how much further I have to go. It's crazy how long the scars of lost love continue to hurt. Anyway, here it is:

I wish you could see me now

I wish I could show you how

I'm not who I was

I used to be mad at you

A little on the hurt side too

But I'm not who I was

I found my way around

To forgiving you Some time ago

But I never got to tell you so

I found us in a photograph

I saw me and I had to laugh

You know, I'm not who I was

You were there, you were right above me

And I wonder if you ever loved me

Just for who I was

When the pain came back again

Like a bitter friend

It was all that I could do

To keep myself from blaming you

I reckon it's a funny thing

I figured out I can sing

Now I'm not who I was

I write about love and such

Maybe 'cause I want it so much

I'm not who I was

I was thinking maybe I

I should let you know

I am not the same

But I never did forget your name

Hello

Well the thing I find most amazing

In amazing grace

Is the chance to give it out

Maybe that's what love is all about

I wish you could see me now

I wish I could show you how

I'm not who I was

"I wish we could have this conversation. I wish we could really be friends. I wish you knew the real me, and me you. But wishes are often a distraction from reality (whatsoever is true). Reality is that the only one I can truly count on is my Savior. He's never left me, never broken my heart, never made me feel unworthy of his time and affection. He's the strength I need to get over you... No matter how long it takes." And since this post has left me far more vulnerable than I ever intended to be, I'll sign off.

Ae

No One Else Knows

My world is closing in

On the inside

But I'm not showing it

When all I am is crying out

I hold it in and fake a smile

Still I'm broken

I'm broken

Only one can understand

And only one can hold the hand

Of the broken

Of the broken

When no one else knows how I feel

Your love for me is proven real

When no one else cares where I've been

You run to me with outstretched hands

And You hold me in your arms

Again

I need no explanation of why me

I just need confirmation

Only You could understand the emptiness inside my head

I am falling

I am falling

I'm falling down upon my knees

To find the one who gives me peace

I am flyingLord I am flying

When no one else knows how I feel

Your love for me is proven real

When no one else cares where I've been

You run to me with outstretched hands

And You hold me in Your arms

Again

I have come to you in search of faith

Cause I can't see beyond this place

Oh You are God and I am man

So I'll leave it in Your hands

When no one else knows how I feel

Your love for me is proven real

When no one else cares where I've been

You run to me with outstretched hands

When no one else knows how I feel

Your love for me is proven real

When no one else cares where I've been

You run to me with outstretched hands

And You hold me in Your arms,

Ohh You hold me in Your arms,

I know that You'll hold me in Your arms

Again

Building 429 - No One Else Knows

My world is off kilter right now for reasons beyond my control. I'm not depressed; just aching to escape feelings that remain,regardless of my prayers for them to cease. Is this the thorn in my flesh? Was Paul's affliction physical or emotional? How did Job cope with the intense emotions that he felt throughout his trials? How often did Abraham and Sarah ache over their seemingly unanswered prayers? To these questions, I do not know the answers.

What I know for certain is that right now God's answer to my plea is "wait." Not the preferred answer but he is there to comfort me through this time of pain. He knows when I will see the end of it and I will trust him to guide me to the place he wants me to be. Right now, I will fall on my knees and seek rest in him.

I'm trusting that God has his eye on this sparrow

As I sit alone in my apartment, my mind runs wild.

I think this all started because right now there is a bachelorette party going on that, if I would have chosen to attend, would have brought me back in time. As much as I love Rachelle, I just can't go back. Next week is the wedding and that should be interesting enough. This has nothing to do with the small town feeling I get when I spend time with people from home, for that sensation is one that I cherish with pride. Instead the issue is more with seeing and spending time with people who knew me when I was unsure of who I was myself. People that I tried so desperately to impress or mold myself into, who thought they were seeing the real me but instead were only seeing the mask that I thought they wanted to see. I had no idea who I really was, therefore neither did they. Sad really...

As God continues to show me who I am in Him, I'm seeing where I've pushed others away trying to find my identity in so many other things. The freedom I'm finding in finally knowing who I am is somewhat dimmed tonight by the regret of things that I've done and people that I've hurt while I was so focused on myself. The friendships that could have lasted, the relationships that could have been edifying had I only learned this lesson sooner. I am intensely aware of certain people that I've failed, which leads me to question how many more people I've hurt without realizing it.

How do I begin to ask the forgiveness of each and every person that I've wronged? I cannot undo the mistakes that I've made, nor can I live in the past through regret. I'm just not sure where to start. For now I'll start with the only thing that I know to do... I need to get down on my knees.