As I sit alone in my apartment, my mind runs wild.
I think this all started because right now there is a bachelorette party going on that, if I would have chosen to attend, would have brought me back in time. As much as I love Rachelle, I just can't go back. Next week is the wedding and that should be interesting enough. This has nothing to do with the small town feeling I get when I spend time with people from home, for that sensation is one that I cherish with pride. Instead the issue is more with seeing and spending time with people who knew me when I was unsure of who I was myself. People that I tried so desperately to impress or mold myself into, who thought they were seeing the real me but instead were only seeing the mask that I thought they wanted to see. I had no idea who I really was, therefore neither did they. Sad really...
As God continues to show me who I am in Him, I'm seeing where I've pushed others away trying to find my identity in so many other things. The freedom I'm finding in finally knowing who I am is somewhat dimmed tonight by the regret of things that I've done and people that I've hurt while I was so focused on myself. The friendships that could have lasted, the relationships that could have been edifying had I only learned this lesson sooner. I am intensely aware of certain people that I've failed, which leads me to question how many more people I've hurt without realizing it.
How do I begin to ask the forgiveness of each and every person that I've wronged? I cannot undo the mistakes that I've made, nor can I live in the past through regret. I'm just not sure where to start. For now I'll start with the only thing that I know to do... I need to get down on my knees.
