Competitive Parenting

Of all the dreams I had for my life I never believed I would be associated with what some would call the sport of "competitive parenting."  Most parents have never heard of such a thing, and for good reason.  Competitive parenting denies every shred of natural parental instinct and instead focuses on one up'ing another parent.  Your children's needs fall through the cracks as you invest all of your energy in trying to stay one step ahead in the "game."  Your finances are wasted as you attempt to buy your children's favor.  With your energy already spent elsewhere, you have little concern or ability to meet the emotional needs of your precious children.  The saddest part of the game is that engaging in it guarantees two losers; your children first and foremost but also you.  If the other parent is wise enough to not engage, they naturally will be the more successful parent.  Over time their children will see that they are truly the priority of that parent's life, they will come to appreciate the sacrifices made for them by the non engaging parent, and they will come to prefer time with the parent whose focus is taking care of them.  Enagaging in competitive parenting will create distance in the relationships you had so convinced yourself you had engaged in the game to retain.  You lose and you guarantee that your intended opponent wins.

To determine whether you are already a player in this game, ask yourself the following questions:
* What is my motivation for _________?
* What is my ultimate goal as a parent?
* Is my issue with this parent valid - abuse, neglect, etc. or simply my dislike of them?
* Do my children love this parent?
* Am I jealous? (hard, I know)
* Are my children's needs being met by this parent?
* Am I still primarily focused on my children's needs?
* Are my supporters encouraging me to put my kids first or win against this parent?

These are not all yes or no answers.  They require thought and self evaluation.  However, if you are willing to be truly honest, you will know whether you are playing or parenting.

Quitting the game, once started, is not going to be easy.  It will require humility and sacrifice.  It will require you to possibly break away from unhealthy supporters.  It will demand that you learn to accept the possibility that your children can love other parents as much as they can love you.  In the grand scheme of things God gives us a  each a great capacity to love; when someone breaks your heart, once you have healed from the experience, you are able to love again, when your second child is born, you love him/her no less than the first.  To quit playing the game you will have to acknowledge that by loving another parent, your children will not be forced to love you less.  Breaking free of the game will leave you vulnerable to feeling left out when your children build memories or have positive experiences with the other parent.  You may feel forgotten when your children are not with you.  These things and feelings will happen, just as they do now.  However, quitting the game means you change the way you react.  You celebrate the new memory with the children; asking how it felt, favorite parts, etc.  If you truly feel you missed out, ask if they would mind if you took them again so they can show you how much fun it was.  Keep it positive!  Quitting the game will also require that you stop grilling your children for information about the other parent and the time they spent with them.  Only ask positive questions about your children's time away from you if your motivation is them, not the other parent.

My personal experience with competitive parenting is in being an added member of a split family; however some parents in whole families engage in the game, some parents of teenagers engage in the game.  Universally, regardless of your situation, when you choose to disengage in the game, you begin to win as a parent.  This is by far more rewarding than one up'ing anyone.  Think about it...