It's a girl!! She is here and we are in love.
Ultimately, this post is for my daughter. It's graphic and way TMI but someday she will appreciate the details that I choose to share. With all my good intentions, I will likely not be the mom to create a beautiful baby book capturing all of your precious moments. I am sorry for that. However, know that with each new experience, my heart soars and yet saddens at your growth and change. I hope that one day you can experience the joy of pregnancy and child birth with a wonderful husband at your side. For now, this is the story of how we met.
Let me start by saying that your mom is naïve. I've never really paid much attention to the details of reproductive cycles as birth control kept you from having any more older siblings. Since dad and I married, I was on the pill. We had your siblings and we were content with that so I took my morning pill and moved on with my day. The rules regarding lady appointments had recently changed and, again, I didn't pay much attention. I thought that I could get my pills for 3 years before needing a physical. When my 1 year prescription was up, I called my doctor to request a refill only to be told that I needed to be seen. Naturally, I called when I didn't have time to wait for an appointment so there was a lapse in the medication. By my way of thinking, I was still in the safe zone, so I wasn't too concerned. I had my appointment, got my refill, and life went on. For a few weeks...
After I started taking the new pill, I started having terrible cramping. Initially I thought it was because my cycle was off and my body was "resetting." Just in case, I asked grandma Turner and aunt Brenda if they'd ever had cramping when they got pregnant and they said no. Just super tired and some other symptoms. The cramping wasn't all the time but it sure was annoying and way worse than period cramps. I was on a business trip (and still cramping) when I noticed that my pills were a higher dosage of estrogen than I remembered. I called my doctor and left a message asking if that could be a cause for the odd cramping. While on that business trip, papa Dwight (my boss) asked if I thought your dad and I would have kids together. I told him we hadn't ruled it out but if it ever happened, it would be when we were more ready. We were so not ready!! Because of our conversation, I considered the possibility that I could be pregnant and I decided that maybe I shouldn't even drink until I knew what was going on with my body.
When I got home from my business trip, I started doing the math on when I was due for another period. Typically I started on Tuesdays but sometimes it could be as late as Thursday. When Thursday came and went and I still hadn't started, I bought two tests on Friday. The test said to check it first thing in the morning for best results so I told your dad and Saturday morning I woke early to take the test. The test was one of those where a single line meant not pregnant and a plus sign meant pregnant. Pretty quickly it became a plus sign. In shock, I walked back into the bedroom and told your dad about the plus sign. I asked if I should take the other test and he assured me that they are pretty accurate so I didn't need to. Then he said, and I quote, "don't stress about it. just go back to bed." Yeah right! I texted your aunt Brenda next and she was super excited about you. According to my calculations, you had been growing for 7 weeks so I started to research what you looked like. I'll be honest, you weren't very pretty at 7 weeks but you were mine and I wanted to make sure that I took care of you. Your siblings were at our house that weekend but we didn't want to tell them until the doctor had confirmed it and I was further along. It killed us to not tell them but we knew it was for the best in case anything happened to you at that early stage. Once I knew you were growing inside of me, I couldn't keep my hands from cradling you from the outside. Monday I made an appointment for a confirmation at the doctor (little did I know they were going to just do another pee test). I went to that appointment and the nurse came in and asked if I wanted to be pregnant. I said that it appeared that I was and the idea was growing on me. She confirmed that my home test was accurate and she congratulated me on my pregnancy. I texted your dad and aunt Brenda on my way out the door.
We wanted to tell special people in special ways so the first people we told were your grandparents. I found a picture of a new baby in a Tonka truck and an under construction graphic and I put together an "announcement" that said "under construction - work scheduled to be complete May 2014." I printed two copies and your dad and I went "visiting." We went to grandma and grandpa Turner's first. They were happy for us. Grandpa wanted to know if we were going to find out what we were having and grandma asked if I was ready for delivery. I laughed later but at the time I was like, "No! I'm still wrapping my mind around the fact that I'm pregnant." We went to grandma and grandpa Bouwkamp's next. When dad and I first got engaged, grandma Bouwkamp hinted that she thought dad had enough kids. I was a little nervous that she would still feel that way but it had been a long time. I was shocked when she jumped out of her chair and was so elated that you were on the way. To be honest, hers was the best reaction and it made me teary. For the great grandparents, we decided to tell them a little differently. I bought some pacifiers and wrote a letter that said "In case my parents forget, please hold on to this for when I come to visit you. Love Baby B - Due May 2014" We mailed a pacifier and letter to each of your great grandparents. Great grandma Turner called me right away and was so excited. Unfortunately, great grandpa Bouwkamp was really sick and he passed away before you could meet him. Great grandma Bouwkamp later told me that they had gotten the package and he was so excited that you were coming. We didn't hear from great grandma Deitz but she was in Texas so that wasn't unusual. Next was aunts and uncles. Uncle Matt and aunt Rae were having a gender reveal party for your cousin Easton and I didn't want to spoil their thunder at their party so we emailed all your aunts and uncles the announcement we'd given grandmas and grandpas. Uncle Matt called me at work because he wanted me to know I was off on their baby's due date. I assured him I wasn't off on the date and I wasn't referring to his baby. It took him a minute to catch on but then he was super excited and gave me all sorts of pointers based on his and Rae's experience with pregnancy. We emailed the announcement to my close friends last; Rachel, Brenda, Kasey, Chaille, and Heather. I pulled papa Dwight into the conference room at Paradigm and reminded him of the conversation we'd had at the tradeshow in September. I told him that God has a funny way of changing the plan and that I was unknowingly pregnant when I had told him we weren't going to have a baby until we decided we were good and ready. Everyone was very excited for us and you.
Once the test at the doctor's office confirmed my pregnancy, I contacted the midwife I wanted to deliver you. I told her I wasn't 100% sure when I was due so she suggested we schedule an initial appointment and ultrasound. At 10 weeks, dad and I went for that appointment. I was so excited and a little nervous. She checked me and we talked a lot about what to expect and then it was time to see you via ultrasound. When I looked at the screen, I got all teary and I kept saying to daddy, "we made a baby. that is our baby." MaryAnn said "there is definitely a Who in Whoville". You looked like a little teddy bear and I was in awe and in love. We got to take pictures of you home and I put them in an album for when we told the most important people about you; Emily, Ali, and Dylan. They also sent us home with some free newborn stuff - diapers, pacifiers, etc. Kind of a cool bonus.
We told your siblings last. We put all of our free baby stuff in a gift bag along with the tiny album of your pictures. We put the bag in the middle of the table and told your siblings we had a surprise for them. Dad sat at one end and I sat at the other. I took a video so we could have it for later and put it on facebook for telling the rest of our friends and family. They opened the bag and were a little confused. We kept asking why they thought we had all that baby stuff in the bag. Emily figured it out first and she was super excited. Then Dylan got it and he wanted us to know he wanted you to be a brother and not another sister. Ali took a little while but it was funny when she finally figured it out. She pretended to faint on the floor - so dramatic. We told them on a Friday night when we got to keep them till Monday so we could all be excited about it all weekend. They told everyone they could at church that Sunday and Dylan brought a picture of you for his show and tell on Monday. He told them that you were a boy, that we were naming you Luke, and that you would be born in a couple of weeks. Your siblings were so excited to meet you!!
At 19 weeks, we had our official ultrasound where they checked to make sure you had all of your organs and that everything looked the way it should. Little stinker, you wouldn't give us any good face shots! The pics were overall kind of blurry too so we were disappointed. The doctor assured us that everything was as it should be with you so, even though we were disappointed about not getting good pics, we were happy you were healthy and growing. We just had to wait another 21 weeks to meet you face to face. Agh!
New Years Eve dad and I went ice fishing and I started to not feel good. Because of my allergies, I get a lot of sinus infections so I didn't think it was a big deal. I got worse and worse though and medicine wasn't helping. I couldn't eat, had a constant fever, and I was getting very weak so I was worrying about you. Dad took me to the hospital but they said there was nothing they could treat so they got my fever down for a minute, gave me an IV of fluid, and sent us home. A couple days later, I woke up and could barely breathe. Dad thought maybe my inhaler or a nebulizer would help but I KNEW something was wrong so we went back to the hospital. That time with a packed bag. I was only 22.5 weeks pregnant so you had alot of growing and developing to do and I was so scared for you!
Hospitals have a test called a pulseox; it checks our pulse (the rate our hearts beat) and our oxygen. Its supposed to be right around 100. When we got to the hospital, my pulseox was 82. That is REALLY bad. They helped me put a gown on, put an oxygen mask on me, and sent me up to the intensive care unit (for really really sick or hurt people) ASAP. Dad and I were both really scared. The doctors started doing a lot of tests and they couldn't figure out what was wrong with me in order to fix it. They were worried it was a special flu that no pregnant women had lived through but the testing took a couple of days. Everyone that came in to my room had to wear a mask in case it was the flu. I didn't know this until later but they told grandma and grandpa and dad that we might not make it, as in we could be dying. They told dad that I'd have a better chance at living if we aborted you (killed you inside me) or delivered you but you wouldn't make because you hadn't developed enough yet. The doctors kept testing for things and getting negative results. Good that they were negative but it also meant they were no closer to knowing how to make me better. They put me on antibiotics just in case and steroids for my lungs. I was put on a special breathing machine called a bi-pap. It basically forced more air into my lungs than I could take in on my own. A lot of people were praying for you and me to get better. They put a tiny tube down my nose and throat and into my stomach so they could start feeding me because I was so malnourished due to barely eating for 10 days. They put another tube into my girly bits for me to pee into a bag (called a catheter). They put a tiny tube in my arm that pumped medicine right to my heart. All of these were awful but I knew I needed them to keep you healthy while I was SO sick. I was so tired, I felt miserable, and I just wanted to sleep. The doctors kept talking about intubating (putting a tube down my windpipe to keep me breathing and give me meds). Dad wouldn't leave my side and grandma and grandpa Turner and aunt Brenda were there every day too. Your aunts and uncles, all of my closest friends, and even our pastor came to see me at the hospital. They were so scared for you and I so they kept praying and asking others to pray. We had friends and family praying all over the country!!
Then after 6 days in ICU, God answered their prayers and I stopped getting worse and started to get better. One day I felt well enough to have them turn my hospital bed into a recliner and I got to watch Beauty and The Beast. It wore me out before the movie ended but it was good to not be laying down. Aunt Brenda and miss Rachel shaved my legs and did my nails and the nurses gave me a sponge bath. Right about that time, the doctor's came in and told ME that I'd have a better chance if I wasn't pregnant but that if I delivered you then, you wouldn't make it. They wanted dad and I to decide whether we wanted to try to have you early or abort you. Dad and I didn't even blink. We said that God had gotten us through this far and we were going to continue trusting him. Our hearts hurt to think about what they were asking so we didn't even consider it. We knew that God was in control and that we could trust him but we were scared about what my illness had done to you. Later that day, the baby doctors came in and let me hear your heartbeat and they assured me that they had been checking on you all along and they thought you were fine. Dad and I were so relieved - I cried. I had so needed to hear that you were okay and my illness hadn't hurt you!! After 7 days in the ICU, they took me off the bi-pap, took the catheter out, and then they moved me to a "recovery" floor. I was on oxygen and continued getting better and they took the pic line out and finally the feeding tube. Real food tasted soooo good! The nurses helped me shower and wash my hair and I felt human again. That's when dad told me that the Dr's had been warning them that I could very likely die. I had been so sick, I had NO IDEA! I felt so bad that my illness had scared everyone like that.
I spent 4 days on the recovery floor before they said I could finally go home; 10 days after I went in. I went home with an oxygen tank but I was home. I knew I could get better from there. Lots of people made us meals for the first 2 weeks we were home. Some even came and helped with cleaning and laundry. We felt so loved and taken care of. I was on oxygen for a month before they would let me be done with it. It was kinda goofy dragging the hose around the house but it helped me get better so I tolerated it. When I went back to work, I had a special tank to take with me but they let me stop doing that after two weeks. February was SO COLD so there were a couple of days I didn't dare leave the house because my lungs were still too weak. It wasn't ideal but I was alive and you were growing and developing.
Because of my illness, I got to have extra ultrasounds to make sure you were okay. It made the last couple of months before you came seem shorter because I got to see you so often. Dad went to a couple of them but some of them he couldn't because of work and plowing (it was a crazy winter). We had asked the technicians not to tell us what we were having but after 5 ultrasounds, we were convinced you were a boy. One of the techs had referred to you as Junior and dad was convinced he had seen something "boyish" on the screen. By my 7th month, I had started wishing you were a girl because someday I wanted to be friends with my daughter. We still thought you were a boy though and that was okay because I really liked the name we had picked if you were a little boy, Casper Mark Wright Bouwkamp, after dad's great grandpa, dad, and my grandpa. I also liked the idea of a Bouwkamp man carrying my genetics too. I still wasn't sold on our girl name, Laina Mae Bouwkamp. Dad picked Laina because it was pretty, we chose Mae for M(ark)A(mber)E(lisabeth & ugene). I had gone through page after page of family tree info but no matter how hard I looked, I couldn't find a family female name that was good enough for you. My grandma's name was Armeda but A) she hated it, B) I couldn't get it to sound pretty to me, and C) it sounded alot like Alida. Laina was pretty but we knew alot of them and I wanted a name for you that was more unique. Just the same, the closer we got to your due date, the more I was resigned to Laina if you were the girl I wanted.
Not knowing what sex you were, we were excited for our big reveal (your birth). I bought two small gift bags and put a pink paci, pink flip flops, and hair bows in one bag and a blue paci, blue flip flops, and hot wheels cars in the other. I had both bags on the shelf so grandma and grandpa could reveal your gender to your siblings on trip to the hospital. We were all excited to see whether you wore pink or blue.
We were getting down to the "home stretch" and I was getting nervous about delivering you. Most moms feel super exhausted during their last 3 months of pregnancy but after my illness, that's when I finally started to feel good. I had also had alot of morning sickness and food and I didn't get along until after I got out of the hospital. The last 3 weeks though were hard. You got bigger and bigger and I started to get more and more tired. I was up all night peeing and I couldn't get comfortable in bed. I felt like a huge upside down turtle. I was convinced you'd come early but you didn't. You were late - 9 days late. My feet and ankles didn't even start to swell until your official due date so I should have known. We ended up getting to pick your birthday because we had to induce (force you out) your birth. I picked 5/31 so you wouldn't share a birthday with your aunt or my cousin. (I kind of secretly wish now that you were a June baby like daddy and I) Since we got to pick your birthday, we made arrangements for grandma and grandpa Bouwkamp to bring your siblings to the hospital to see you. On 5/29 I finally decided it was time to stop working. I had woke up with contractions and absolultely didn't want my water to break at work. Who would want to clean up that mess?!? Aunt Brenda and I went garage saleing instead. The more I walked, the more contractions I had and the more I got excited that I wouldn't have to be induced. Dad kept checking in to see if he was needed yet. He was excited to meet you too. When I stopped walking though, the contractions went away. So much for walking you out!
Friday, 5/30 dad and I had to be to the hospital at 7 PM. They told me to eat a light dinner but I was still making up for the malnutrition so I got a KFC bowl and didn't tell the Dr. They set me up with the first drug to help start things along and I got to sleep all night before they started the second drug. Dad slept right next to me on the couch in the delivery room. The next morning, Aunt Brenda and Grandma Turner came just after they started the second medicine. Contractions were off and on but started getting strong around 10. I had requested a room with a tub so I spent alot of time in that, trying to relax. Nothing was happening other than contractions. When we did the hospital tour during our labor classes, I had made a joke about the wooden rocking chairs in the delivery rooms. Once I got too hot in the tub, I found the wooden rocking chair to be the most comfortable place for labor. With all the hours of labor looming, we decided to watch a movie to kill time and distract my mind. The movie we picked was called Brave, because I love my red heads and curly hair, and the princess of the movie was a red headed, curly haired girl named Merida. I made the comment that her name was really pretty and dad agreed. The movie was a couple of years old and I had never met a Merida named after that Disney Princess, despite so many other Disney Princess names catching on. It didn't really matter though, because the tech had called you Junior and dad had seen boy parts so you were a Casper.
The day drug on, despite our efforts and our movie watching. Grandma Turner just sat there quietly crocheting your red white and blue baby blanket. Aunt Brenda and dad harassed each other to pass the time. The contractions got stronger and closer but you were no closer to revealing yourself. MaryAnn was wonderful; trying everything she could to help you shift down into the birth canal but you were stubborn like both your parents and wouldn't budge. We finally decided the only way to get things moving was to break my water, the sac you were in inside my tummy. It was about 7 at night and I was tired and my cervix was posterior so any time MaryAnn had to check me, it was like she went shoulder deep to do so and it was unbearably painful due to the pelvic nerve pain I had been having for 6 weeks. (No comparison to what was to come!!) She said she would have to reach up there again to break my water so I decided it was time to get meds to stop the pain - epidural!
I was hunched over getting the epidural when I heard and felt a pop. I told MaryAnn and she asked if my water had broke. I didn't feel anything wet so I told her that and we figured it was something else. They finished the epidural and set me back on the bed and then the liquid flowed and my contractions got quicker and stronger. As he left the room, the anesthesiologist (the drugs Dr) said my legs would start to tingle and then I wouldn't feel anything. I waited. and waited. and waited. After 7 minutes, I still felt EVERYTHING and my labor was getting crazy intense. They called in another anesthesiologist for another epidural but it took awhile for him to get there and then he was struggling to get the needle where we needed it. MaryAnn could see that I was really starting to labor and suggested a stateall shot. It helped calm but did nothing for the pain; NOTHING. I was getting embarrassed because I started to feel like I needed to poop (sorry kid, that's how it was). I was starting to freak out because I had just decided that I didn't want to feel the rest of it and here I was feeling everything. I kept saying, "I don't want to feel anything. I decided I don't want to feel anything." I was in what is called "transition" where you go from the labor process to the delivery process so the hormones and emotions were as strong as the pain. I was kind of talking crazy and suddenly dad's coffee cigarette breath was irritating me. (aunt Brenda quick gave him gum so I didn't freak out) I kept grunting and MaryAnn asked if I felt like I needed to push. I told her I didn't know but I felt like I needed to poop. She said that meant it was time to push. I kept apologizing to the nurse that I needed to poop and she would have to clean it up. Over and over, I said "I am sorry that I am pooping, I am sorry that I pooped." I know alot of women do it but I was mortified, despite my horrible pain. MaryAnn decided it was time for me to push so everyone got into position. Aunt Brenda was on one side and dad was on the other. Grandma was watching and cheering me on, reminding me to breathe. I pushed about 3 times because everyone was telling me to push. Then MaryAnn broke through the chaos and asked if I felt a contraction and told me only to push during contractions. 4 more pushes, during a contraction that time, and you were born at 8:15 in the evening. MaryAnn announced that I had given birth to a little girl so I asked dad if he really liked the name Merida. When he agreed, we announced that you were Merida Mae Bouwkamp. You shredded me on your way out so while the nurses sucked the crud out of your mouth and lungs that my quick delivery hadn't squeezed out, MaryAnn stitched me up inside and out. The stateall shot kicked in right about the time they laid you on my chest for the first time. I was exhausted, and teary, and dopey from the drugs, but I had my baby girl so all was right with the world. Dad cut your umbilical chord and he fell in love as much as I did. You had a head full of dark hair like your mommy, 10 fingers and 10 toes, a healthy cry, a birthmark on the back of your head and another on your forehead, nose, and lip, and your nose was all swollen from the delivery. You were huge at 8 lbs 10 oz. and 20 1/4" long - not the small side of normal MaryAnn expected because of my illness during pregnancy. You were perfect. In that euphoric moment, I knew how very blessed I was to have been chosen to be your mom.
Grandma Turner had called grandpa Turner when I got the epidural so he and uncle Juan and aunt Paulina were at the hospital just after you were born. Aunt Leah came right after work and heard me screaming you out. Yup - mama's a yeller. We called grandma and grandpa Bouwkamp and asked them to pick up Emily, Ali, and Dylan, and told them which bag to pick up for the reveal. While they were getting ready to move me to a different room, I cleaned myself up and put some make up on so I wouldn't scare your siblings. When they got there, they were SO excited to meet you; nearly bouncing off the walls of the hospital room. They hadn't yet moved me to my other room so the kids got to see you for a quick second and then they moved our herd down the hall. When we got to our new room, they each took a turn holding you. During my pregnancy, Dylan had decided that he wanted a sister instead of a brother so he was just as elated as the girls. We took pictures of them with you and all of you together and then grandma and grandpa B had to take them back to their other house. Everyone else went home then too and it was just dad, me, and our precious new Merida Mae Bouwkamp.
Now that you've read the story, my dear, sweet, almost perfect girl, I hope you aren't too freaked out by the details. Although, if the details help keep you innocent longer, I'm all for that too. I had only ever wanted 3 kids in life and then dad came with 3 kids that loved me instantly. We weren't sure that we needed to add to that number. We would go back and forth, each of us thinking yes while the other was thinking no. Dad started to hint that he had decided 3 was a perfect number right about the time I started to decide I wanted a child of my own that I could love and be loved by without boundaries (ah the stresses and drama of blended families). To be honest, I would love nothing more than to give you one more sibling and myself another child to love without boundaries. Dad says if I could promise him a boy who is as good of a baby as you, he'd be okay with it. I don't think its going to happen for us though. At the end of the day, you filled a hole in my life and our family that I never even knew existed. You are my sunshine on the dark days of struggle in this life. I look into your tiny, precious face; your birthmarks fading slowly, your dark hair now turned blonde like your daddy, your eyes changing to a combination of hazel and blue like a cross between your grandmas; and I know just how much Jesus loves me. He gave me you.
