Shiny New Jewelry

Technically, our engagement story started on a nondescript evening in November while Mark and I walked through the fields of what we like to refer to as the “Bouwkamp Ranch” (aka his parent’s property.)  There were no bells or whistles, not even a “down on one knee” moment.  While talking about where we both were in our walks with Christ, Mark simply said “I want to walk the path of my life with you by my side” and I agreed.  Even with as little time as we had spent together since reconnecting in October, somehow we just knew that we were right for each other.  The conversation didn’t continue to details of where and when; I guess it was enough for both of us to know that we were on the same page with where we were headed.

Our official engagement took place about four months into the wedding planning process.  The locations had been booked, the deposits had been made, and the dress was hanging in my bedroom.  We’d picked out rings together but it took Mark several months to pull together the money to buy my ring, and a few weeks more before he had his plan of action figured out.  I was scheduled to fly out of town on the 15th of April to drive my grandmother and her sister back from Texas.  I'd been hoping that I'd have a ring to show off to the grandmas when I got to Texas but the big day came and I was still ring-less.  When we got to the airport, I did the auto check in thing and then we grabbed Pizza Hut for dinner.  After we finished our meal we spent some time on the observation deck and then decided it was time for me to head to the terminal check in.  We were saying our goodbyes when Mark got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife.  He told me that it had been fifteen years in the making but it was time for us to get it right.  My eyes were watering as he slid the ring on my finger.  It wasn't an expensive affair, it wasn't a big production, and it wasn't hugely romantic, but it was Mark at every turn; even down to him trying to put the ring on the wrong hand.  Poor guy!

We’ve talked many times about how different life may be if 11 years ago we’d have both come to the realization that we fit perfectly. We certainly had plenty of opportunity to do things differently back then.  In the end, to wish away what transpired in either of our lives since we parted ways would be to eliminate the things that hurt enough to make us stronger, to unlearn lessons we can now pass on to our children, and it would wipe away three beautiful children that came as a result of our separation. Even though there are and will continue to be frustrations along our path, it does no good to dwell in the maybes of yesterday.  Together we will continue to allow Christ to be the center of our lives and we will overcome whatever hurdles are thrown in our way.  For today, we are “truly, madly, and deeply” in love and we’re excited to make new memories and chart a new course together.

On another note, I’m pretty excited about my new sparkling piece of jewelry and I’ll be even more excited when Mark gives me a matching piece that seals the deal forever.

A Chapter Closes

10 years ago I delivered a forgotten bible to a friend who spent Wednesday evenings surrounded by junior high aged students.  Little did I know how my life was about to change.  After making my delivery, I was invited to join Heather's small group for the next hour.  A month later I started leading my own group of girls.

One of the first things I learned in youth ministry is that leaders are under a microscope.  Teens look to you to determine what steps they should take in their own lives.  Parents look to you to set a shining example of faith for the children they love.  Many times I've felt inadequate in recognizing my own imperfections with the knowledge that my choices are being watched.  I've learned the importance of transparency in my faith.  I am not perfect, nor can I ever be, but when you are serving others being honest about your shortcomings or questionable choices is vitally important.

Another major thing I learned about youth ministry is that its a huge commitment.  To invest in a young person's life you have to be willing to put time in and get dirty; all nighters, over nighters, sporting events, graduations, retreats, week long trips that take you away from family and work, unexpected late evening visits, etc.  That's just the time investment.  Getting messy is a whole different story.  Think back to when you were a teenager...  drama, acne, height, drama, weight, clothing labels, drama, puberty, relationships, friendships, did I mention drama.  If you were anything like me during those years, you were looking for someone to say you were alright and remind you that its possible to survive the experience.  As a leader, sure you can show up once a week for a couple of hours and you've technically filled your quota.  However, if you're looking for for an "atta boy/girl" because you've simply showed up, you're there for the wrong reasons.  Two fold, students will see right through your phoniness and your level of impact in their lives will be minuscule. However, if you make a few sacrifices in your schedule, be honest, ask them tough questions, and really dig in, both you and the students will benefit.

The biggest thing I've learned from being involved in youth ministry is how easily a leader's heart gets involved in the ministry.  Over the course of the last 10 years I've cherished the intimacy of each year's small group, the experience gained through summer trips to various locations, the long lists of extra curricular events that I've attended to show support for our athletes, actors, musicians, etc.  I've hurt with students who are trying to recover from the effects of poor choices, my heart has broken to hear students confess that they no longer believe in God, and I've celebrated achievements and said goodbye year after year to students that I have come to love.  Yes, youth ministry is definitely a ministry of the heart.  I know mine will never be the same.

The reason I mention all of these things is because without planning it, this chapter in my life appears to be closing.  Over the course of the last couple of months, my life has begun to head in a different direction.  I've fallen in love with someone who was once one of my closest friends.  During our separation, as I was investing in the lives of teenagers, Mark was starting a family.  He never would have chosen the course his family would ultimately take.  Like me Mark sees the lesson to be learned through tough experiences and has chosen to allow this lesson in life to make him a better person, husband, and father.  It still blows me away that he wants me to stand beside him in his 'new life."  Truthfully, I don't know that I will never again be involved in youth ministry.  In fact, I hope that one day Mark and I can both be involved together.  What I know for a fact is that right now, I have other investments that require priority.  A future husband and three young children who need my focus and attention.

A part of my heart breaks knowing what I'm leaving behind but another part is excited to see what the future will hold.  Please continue to pray for me as I turn new pages in the book of my life.

Someday Stepmom Insecurities

This weekend I will meet Mark's kids for the first time.  Its a holiday weekend so I pretty much saw it coming but that still doesn't mean I don't feel unprepared.  I've seen pictures and picked both Mark and Sarah's (Mark's mom) brains about Emily, Ali, and Dylan's individual personalities.  I've done the best I could to try and learn as much as possible about them before this date arrives.  However, I still have a knot in the pit of my stomach about how major this is.

Don't get me wrong, I'm excited to meet them and see first hand the children that Mark so adores.  He's been amazing with all the kids in my family so I can only imagine that will be amplified with his own flesh and blood.  I know how much he misses them and getting him to a point where he has a place to bring them for his scheduled weekend visits has been a continued point of conversation for us.  Talk will one day become reality but we're still working out the details of right now.  Right now, I'm uncertain.

One concern is the relationship with Mark's ex.  In a perfect world, we would be able to all sit down as adults and play nice for the sake of the kids.  The reality is that divorce is ugly and its already created an imperfect situation.  My hope is that Jenny will see that we all want what's best for the kids but I don't know her to know if that's possible.  I know Mark's feelings toward her and I'm guessing she has feelings for him that are just as volatile.  I firmly believe that as time passes, the strength of those feelings will lessen.  For now its an intense situation that could potentially explode around us.    

As out of control as things could get with Jenny, she isn't my primary concern.  Wednesday three names will become three little faces.  Faces that I have the ability to impact for either good or bad.  Faces that will reflect the choices that Mark and I make in our relationship.  Faces that are relying on the adults in their lives to protect their innocence and childhood.  Wednesday I become one of those adults.  I have no doubt that Mark will be able to work me into the fabric of his relationship with his children.  But at this point there are no clear instructions on how to do that in the least unsettling way possible for them.  This is what leaves me feeling inadequate.

To be completely honest, this someday step mom is nervous.  Prayers would be appreciated.