A Heavy Heart...

Let me preface this post by saying I know that I care too much.  Some have called it a flaw but I honestly believe that God has created me this way for a purpose.  Occasionally I question that purpose but most days I accept it and simply show people love from the abundance of what I've been given.  I'm loyal and committed and when I care for someone, be it friend or otherwise, my heart aches for things in a way that many other people's may not.  This post falls into the otherwise category...

Sunday I learned that John Mouthaan passed away.  Thankfully, Lauren spoke to me personally before I was caught off guard with a public announcement of some sort.  I can't say enough how much I appreciated that.  She shared with me the details of his death and caught me up on how each person in the family was doing emotionally.  Thankfully both Phil and Nick were able to fly home to be with family and take part in the funeral process.  All of the remaining family was local enough to be able to drive in.

As I've prayed for their family over the last two days, the depth of my own emotion has caught me off guard.  Compared to others, I didn't know John well; beyond seeing him at family events and sharing a bleacher with him at occasional sporting events.  It was easy to see that he was a family man; proud of his children and grandchildren.  In his own quiet way, he showed them how much he cared for them - a joke, a hug, an encouragement.  All these I remember.  He always struck me as someone from whom one could learn alot.  A man with faith, experience, and wisdom for the asking.  Probably not unlike most grandfathers.

As little as I knew John, I did know Phil and how much he cared for his grandfather.  I know the level of respect that Phil had for his grandfather; the curiosity he had for the time John spent in a war (WWII) that he didn't speak about; and how much he admired the man that his grandfather was.  I ache for Phil's loss of such a man.  My heart goes out to the entire family, mourning the loss of their patriarch, but mainly to Phil.

I have grown close to my own grandmother in my adult years; not nearly as old as John's 86 years but aging just the same.  I recognize that one day I will receive a phone call letting me know that the time has come to say goodbye to the woman who is the backbone of our family.  Just the thought of what Phil is going through right now brings tears to my eyes.  Partially due to consideration of the emotions I would be struggling with were our roles reversed, but mainly due to the fact that the the piece of my heart that I once gave to Phil remains with him, and he's hurting right now. (just to clarify, I'm not speaking romantically)

Tonight I'll offer my condolences to the family that was once as close as my own.  Tomorrow we'll remember the man that John was, what he meant to so many people, celebrate that he's started his eternity with Christ, and lay his body to rest.  For this moment though, I'm going to allow the memories to flood in and the tears to fall as I mourn for the Mouthaan's, Newton's, and Phil...

I'll leave you with the current song playing on my heartstrings. 

'Trying' Eleventyseven.

Life can feel like a red light screaming "Go!"
And everyday means an answer I don't know.
This world can make you wanna fake it
And nobody wants to face it alone.
Its hard to shake that feeling that your hearts not home.

I'm trying to live,
Trying to hope,
Trying to love,
Trying to cope,
Life's a war that few of us survive.
And I'm just trying to make it out alive.

Everyone has a story to be told,
And every tongue has a lie it could expose.
This world describes all the treatments,
To keep all the secrets you want,
We've learned how to think,
Without our minds turned on.

I'm trying to live,
Trying to hope,
Trying to love,
Trying to cope,
Life's a war that few of us survive.
And I'm just trying to make it out alive.

The pain we go through is what makes us who we are.
And if we hold each other through,
The deepest darkest parts...

Then we can live,
Then we can hope,
Then we can love,
Then we can cope,
Life is not a jump it is a head first dive!

I'm trying to live,
Trying to hope,
Trying to love,
Trying to cope,
Life's a war that few of us survive,
And I know we can make it out alive.