Shifting Gears... A Little Vulnerability

This weekend finds me in Sturgis, MI; spending time with my mom's sister, Jeannie, and her family.  I love the time I get to spend alone with her.  She's 18 years mom's senior so she's been around long enough to have plenty of wisdom and insight to offer a spring chicken like me.  Beyond that, I know that the things I share with her remain private so I don't have to filter what I say in case it gets repeated later on.  (I hope that doesn't make me sound atrocious.)  

As we spent the day catching up on family happenings and the like, we ultimately got around to talking about guys.  Guys from my past, guy friends, guys I've just met, etc. As a rule, I don't spend much time dwelling on guys.  As I shared with her, I don't spend much time praying for the right one either.  Maybe that sounds jaded.  I guess you just have to know me to know whether or not that's true.  When I was a little girl, and even into my late teens, I prayed consistently for the right man.  I was the cheesy girl who wrote letters to a future mate.  I knew that someday I would meet that perfect man for me, settle down (whatever that means), and start my life.  Instead, my life played out a little different and I "started my life" solo, which leads to many conversations (like the one today) about the men (or lack of one) in my life.  

Any time the topic of guys comes up, it causes me to not only reflect on all things men but also to look deeper.  A friend once told me that the reason I'm single is I give out a bad vibe.  "You're beautiful, intelligent, talented, and you can cook," he said. "The only thing I can figure is you're sending out a bad vibe."  Obviously, I took that to heart.  I've probably spent hours pondering his statement.  I've come to the conclusion that, if he's right, the vibe I'm sending is one of fear.  Following today's conversation, I'm sitting here thinking that I am not just fearful but absolutely terrified of giving my heart to anyone:

(here's where I stop caring what you're thinking reading this and just put down what's really on my heart)

I fear losing myself again in someone else

I fear making decisions again that will haunt me for the rest of my life

I fear regretting one more wasted kiss or embrace

I fear changes in my relationship with Christ due to giving my heart to someone again

I fear being subject to manipulation and control as a result of loving someone

I fear being summarized by my failures and condemned for my flaws all in the name of love

I fear being told again that what love means to me and another person isn't the same thing

I fear learning again that I'm not worth effort, time, consideration, or truth

I fear again accepting someone's family as an extension of my own, only to later see those relationships broken as well

I fear hurting my family again by introducing them to a person who will one day walk out of their lives, or worse, hurting those I love by being blinded to anything outside of another unhealthy relationship

I fear having dreams of the future ripped away again

I fear more nights of praying for slight enough sleep that I don't dream of being rejected all night long, only to wake up exhausted and in tears, having to face another day of constant thoughts of the person who thinks nothing of me

I fear feeling the ache of pain that comes with hearing the name of, or being asked about, the one person I'm trying so hard to forgive and forget

I fear having to alter my life again to avoid the pain that comes with recalling the memories associated with certain places or people groups

I fear being told again that conversations and moments that mattered so much to me were easily forgotten by someone else 

I fear having to forgive again

I fear again having to show my love by letting go and praying that God brings a godly woman into someone's life

I fear spending any more time watching the phone or the driveway for someone to change their mind and decide they can't live without me

I fear more hours of unnecessary tears

I fear additional years of explaining to myself that my value does not lie in someone else's ability to forget me

As many things as I fear, I have trust that if I'm not to live out the rest of my days solely "living in love with Jesus," He has an awesome guy in mind for me.  Probably one that's slightly jaded too, who knows what its like to feel as I have.  If my "right guy" wasn't hit by a truck as my recent facebook bumper sticker infers, our relationship will some day be one where each of our broken pieces fit together to create a whole picture.  A picture, might I add, that when the light shines on it, the cracks and blemishes that we carry with us allow a beautiful image of Christ to shine through.  On the other hand, just in case a big ol' Mack took out my Mr Right, I'm trying to live so that my collection of fears, failures, and blemishes make for a pretty good reflection of Christ too.  Afterall, whether or not I'm holding someone else's hand in heaven when I meet Jesus, I just want to hear "well done... you have been faithful."

Dangerous Travel

Yesterday afternoon, the doctors told my uncle Chuck and his family that he has about two weeks. He's in a significant amount of pain and his health is declining moment by moment. My uncle and his family would still like to get him home for his final moments but the two weeks the doctors have given him are contingent on him remaining in the hospital. The concern is that if he tries to go back to CO, he won't survive the trip. The last update I heard, the family was looking into bringing Chuck home in a 40' camper with two nurses (one of which is family). In order to do so with a clear conscience, the decision has to be Chuck's so no one feels the weight of making the wrong decision if the outcome is bad. Its been a quiet day for updates so far so we're hanging in limbo waiting to hear whether they've decided to brave the trip or not.

Please continue to pray. I believe in a God of miracles.

State of the Union

Its been over a month since I posted. Not for lack of anything happening, just rather a lack of time. I'll get right to work correcting that and also try to summarize where things stand in a few areas. Please forgive the lack of feeling that may seem apparent in my post. I'm finding its easier to state facts than dwell on the emotional end of things and what the facts represent.

Dad had his pic line removed on 2/12. Last I knew, mom had decided to keep the line for a momento. Sort of a badge of honor. He's knee deep in physical therapy and things are going well. He's made it very clear to his therapist that his goal is to be back on the bike come April. We shall see...

We received an update from my mom's sister in regard to Skip's health. While he's still able to recognize people, Skip is losing his ability to do every day things and is now requiring more and more assistance. I will be headed south this weekend to visit my mom's family and will update my prayer request for him (and the family) accordingly upon my return. Pray for safe travel for myself and an escape for my aunt as we enjoy each other's company for a few days.

Uncle Chuck is now a patient at Cancer Research Centers of America. He and my aunt and grandmother have been bouncing back and forth between the Springs and Tulsa for the last couple of weeks. The family gets an update nearly every day because as soon as the update is sent, something changes, and another update is necessary.

The first week he was there, Chuck was told he had the worst case of liver cancer they'd ever seen and he was advised to go home and make himself comfortable. The following morning he was told that they'd decided to face the challenge and would like to try him on a different type of more aggressive chemo; one that has been somewhat successfully used to treat colon cancer. He was told he had a 30% chance he wouldn't make it. He started on that immediately.

Last Friday he had surgery so they could put a stint into his bile duct to get the chemo into his body in a more direct manner. Monday they discovered that Chuck has a blood infection and pneumonia. He was given a 60% chance to survive. It was a rough night and we were informed Tuesday morning that we nearly lost Chuck at about 10 PM Monday night. Tuesday morning there was concern that his organs were beginning to shut down. He has been steadily improving since then though and the organs are functioning better now.

Below is the latest and greatest from my aunt, sent Tuesday afternoon:
"Things change so fast here that by the time I'm reading the replies from my update it's all old news. As I said the surgery on Friday went well and Chuck was feeling pretty good on Saturday. Sunday brought a whole new speed bump and Monday night was even worse. Sunday morning Chuck was too weak to move. I had to call the nurses and have them come and get him. They admitted him back into the hospital. He has an Ecoli bacteria in his blood and it has spread throughout his body making him weak and unable to swallow. He can't have any food or liquids because it goes to his lungs. Monday he seemed to be doing better. Was awake a lot of the time and was able to talk somewhat considering his mouth and throat were so very dry.

Monday evening about 10pm his body went into shock, his blood pressure dropped and his heart rate was extremely erratic jumping from 150 to 200, up and down, and I may be wrong but I was under the impression normal heart rate should be about 90 or so. They moved him back to ICU and the doctor said he may not make it over 24 hours. I called the kids and they left Colorado at 1am and arrived here at a little after noon today. My sister-in-law will be arriving at 10:20 tonight to help keep me from completely falling apart. She is a rock and I really need that right now.

Today he is doing better, but is asleep most of the time. He wakes up for just minutes and then back to sleep. He is extremely weak, still can not shallow, so is still not allowed to have anything by mouth. All of his medications and nourishment is going thru his IV or by shots. They found he has pneumonia in the bottom of his right lung, his liver is extremely swollen and is causing him pain.

Right now we are just trying to get him well enough to get him home. The chemo is put on hold indefinitely until we can get him over all this other stuff. I have no idea when we will be back home, for how long, or when I will be able to get back to work.

Thank you yet again for all the thoughts and prayers and help. Love and prayers to all. Chuck and Susie"

Please continue to join my family in prayer for these situations.