Shifting Gears... A Little Vulnerability

This weekend finds me in Sturgis, MI; spending time with my mom's sister, Jeannie, and her family.  I love the time I get to spend alone with her.  She's 18 years mom's senior so she's been around long enough to have plenty of wisdom and insight to offer a spring chicken like me.  Beyond that, I know that the things I share with her remain private so I don't have to filter what I say in case it gets repeated later on.  (I hope that doesn't make me sound atrocious.)  

As we spent the day catching up on family happenings and the like, we ultimately got around to talking about guys.  Guys from my past, guy friends, guys I've just met, etc. As a rule, I don't spend much time dwelling on guys.  As I shared with her, I don't spend much time praying for the right one either.  Maybe that sounds jaded.  I guess you just have to know me to know whether or not that's true.  When I was a little girl, and even into my late teens, I prayed consistently for the right man.  I was the cheesy girl who wrote letters to a future mate.  I knew that someday I would meet that perfect man for me, settle down (whatever that means), and start my life.  Instead, my life played out a little different and I "started my life" solo, which leads to many conversations (like the one today) about the men (or lack of one) in my life.  

Any time the topic of guys comes up, it causes me to not only reflect on all things men but also to look deeper.  A friend once told me that the reason I'm single is I give out a bad vibe.  "You're beautiful, intelligent, talented, and you can cook," he said. "The only thing I can figure is you're sending out a bad vibe."  Obviously, I took that to heart.  I've probably spent hours pondering his statement.  I've come to the conclusion that, if he's right, the vibe I'm sending is one of fear.  Following today's conversation, I'm sitting here thinking that I am not just fearful but absolutely terrified of giving my heart to anyone:

(here's where I stop caring what you're thinking reading this and just put down what's really on my heart)

I fear losing myself again in someone else

I fear making decisions again that will haunt me for the rest of my life

I fear regretting one more wasted kiss or embrace

I fear changes in my relationship with Christ due to giving my heart to someone again

I fear being subject to manipulation and control as a result of loving someone

I fear being summarized by my failures and condemned for my flaws all in the name of love

I fear being told again that what love means to me and another person isn't the same thing

I fear learning again that I'm not worth effort, time, consideration, or truth

I fear again accepting someone's family as an extension of my own, only to later see those relationships broken as well

I fear hurting my family again by introducing them to a person who will one day walk out of their lives, or worse, hurting those I love by being blinded to anything outside of another unhealthy relationship

I fear having dreams of the future ripped away again

I fear more nights of praying for slight enough sleep that I don't dream of being rejected all night long, only to wake up exhausted and in tears, having to face another day of constant thoughts of the person who thinks nothing of me

I fear feeling the ache of pain that comes with hearing the name of, or being asked about, the one person I'm trying so hard to forgive and forget

I fear having to alter my life again to avoid the pain that comes with recalling the memories associated with certain places or people groups

I fear being told again that conversations and moments that mattered so much to me were easily forgotten by someone else 

I fear having to forgive again

I fear again having to show my love by letting go and praying that God brings a godly woman into someone's life

I fear spending any more time watching the phone or the driveway for someone to change their mind and decide they can't live without me

I fear more hours of unnecessary tears

I fear additional years of explaining to myself that my value does not lie in someone else's ability to forget me

As many things as I fear, I have trust that if I'm not to live out the rest of my days solely "living in love with Jesus," He has an awesome guy in mind for me.  Probably one that's slightly jaded too, who knows what its like to feel as I have.  If my "right guy" wasn't hit by a truck as my recent facebook bumper sticker infers, our relationship will some day be one where each of our broken pieces fit together to create a whole picture.  A picture, might I add, that when the light shines on it, the cracks and blemishes that we carry with us allow a beautiful image of Christ to shine through.  On the other hand, just in case a big ol' Mack took out my Mr Right, I'm trying to live so that my collection of fears, failures, and blemishes make for a pretty good reflection of Christ too.  Afterall, whether or not I'm holding someone else's hand in heaven when I meet Jesus, I just want to hear "well done... you have been faithful."