A Chapter Closes

10 years ago I delivered a forgotten bible to a friend who spent Wednesday evenings surrounded by junior high aged students.  Little did I know how my life was about to change.  After making my delivery, I was invited to join Heather's small group for the next hour.  A month later I started leading my own group of girls.

One of the first things I learned in youth ministry is that leaders are under a microscope.  Teens look to you to determine what steps they should take in their own lives.  Parents look to you to set a shining example of faith for the children they love.  Many times I've felt inadequate in recognizing my own imperfections with the knowledge that my choices are being watched.  I've learned the importance of transparency in my faith.  I am not perfect, nor can I ever be, but when you are serving others being honest about your shortcomings or questionable choices is vitally important.

Another major thing I learned about youth ministry is that its a huge commitment.  To invest in a young person's life you have to be willing to put time in and get dirty; all nighters, over nighters, sporting events, graduations, retreats, week long trips that take you away from family and work, unexpected late evening visits, etc.  That's just the time investment.  Getting messy is a whole different story.  Think back to when you were a teenager...  drama, acne, height, drama, weight, clothing labels, drama, puberty, relationships, friendships, did I mention drama.  If you were anything like me during those years, you were looking for someone to say you were alright and remind you that its possible to survive the experience.  As a leader, sure you can show up once a week for a couple of hours and you've technically filled your quota.  However, if you're looking for for an "atta boy/girl" because you've simply showed up, you're there for the wrong reasons.  Two fold, students will see right through your phoniness and your level of impact in their lives will be minuscule. However, if you make a few sacrifices in your schedule, be honest, ask them tough questions, and really dig in, both you and the students will benefit.

The biggest thing I've learned from being involved in youth ministry is how easily a leader's heart gets involved in the ministry.  Over the course of the last 10 years I've cherished the intimacy of each year's small group, the experience gained through summer trips to various locations, the long lists of extra curricular events that I've attended to show support for our athletes, actors, musicians, etc.  I've hurt with students who are trying to recover from the effects of poor choices, my heart has broken to hear students confess that they no longer believe in God, and I've celebrated achievements and said goodbye year after year to students that I have come to love.  Yes, youth ministry is definitely a ministry of the heart.  I know mine will never be the same.

The reason I mention all of these things is because without planning it, this chapter in my life appears to be closing.  Over the course of the last couple of months, my life has begun to head in a different direction.  I've fallen in love with someone who was once one of my closest friends.  During our separation, as I was investing in the lives of teenagers, Mark was starting a family.  He never would have chosen the course his family would ultimately take.  Like me Mark sees the lesson to be learned through tough experiences and has chosen to allow this lesson in life to make him a better person, husband, and father.  It still blows me away that he wants me to stand beside him in his 'new life."  Truthfully, I don't know that I will never again be involved in youth ministry.  In fact, I hope that one day Mark and I can both be involved together.  What I know for a fact is that right now, I have other investments that require priority.  A future husband and three young children who need my focus and attention.

A part of my heart breaks knowing what I'm leaving behind but another part is excited to see what the future will hold.  Please continue to pray for me as I turn new pages in the book of my life.

Someday Stepmom Insecurities

This weekend I will meet Mark's kids for the first time.  Its a holiday weekend so I pretty much saw it coming but that still doesn't mean I don't feel unprepared.  I've seen pictures and picked both Mark and Sarah's (Mark's mom) brains about Emily, Ali, and Dylan's individual personalities.  I've done the best I could to try and learn as much as possible about them before this date arrives.  However, I still have a knot in the pit of my stomach about how major this is.

Don't get me wrong, I'm excited to meet them and see first hand the children that Mark so adores.  He's been amazing with all the kids in my family so I can only imagine that will be amplified with his own flesh and blood.  I know how much he misses them and getting him to a point where he has a place to bring them for his scheduled weekend visits has been a continued point of conversation for us.  Talk will one day become reality but we're still working out the details of right now.  Right now, I'm uncertain.

One concern is the relationship with Mark's ex.  In a perfect world, we would be able to all sit down as adults and play nice for the sake of the kids.  The reality is that divorce is ugly and its already created an imperfect situation.  My hope is that Jenny will see that we all want what's best for the kids but I don't know her to know if that's possible.  I know Mark's feelings toward her and I'm guessing she has feelings for him that are just as volatile.  I firmly believe that as time passes, the strength of those feelings will lessen.  For now its an intense situation that could potentially explode around us.    

As out of control as things could get with Jenny, she isn't my primary concern.  Wednesday three names will become three little faces.  Faces that I have the ability to impact for either good or bad.  Faces that will reflect the choices that Mark and I make in our relationship.  Faces that are relying on the adults in their lives to protect their innocence and childhood.  Wednesday I become one of those adults.  I have no doubt that Mark will be able to work me into the fabric of his relationship with his children.  But at this point there are no clear instructions on how to do that in the least unsettling way possible for them.  This is what leaves me feeling inadequate.

To be completely honest, this someday step mom is nervous.  Prayers would be appreciated.

First Time Turkey Day

♪♫ Tradition ♪♫  (right now I'm picturing the scene from Fiddler on the Roof where the dad is singing his lungs out about that very thing)  Ahhhhh - the memories!!

Do you have specific holiday traditions for Thanksgiving?  I would wager a guess that you do; its almost unamerican to not establish clear traditions for the ins and outs of turkey day.  My family's traditions have changed since I was a child but there are still rules that must be followed and procedures that must be maintained.  For instance; since my maternal grandmother passed away, we no longer split our time between my dad's family and my mom's family.  We now have our own family meal at the Turner homestead.  Regardless of the new location; the table still has a bird, stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, rolls, corn casserole, various pies, and whatever else we can squeeze onto it; we still sort through the black Friday adds while we wait for the bird to finish; and the guys still try to squeeze in a trip to the woods.  Tradition!

As to personal routines, I start the day early.  Many years ago the Freeland family started a tradition of playing football on Thanksgiving morning and eventually invited fellow KCBC'ers to join in the fun.  Lance and Dennis are now serving as missionaries in Africa but the tradition of playing football at the KCHS field continues.  When I bought my house in Kent City, I started making sticky buns and cocoa and bringing them to the game for the players and spectators to enjoy.  Once the game finishes, I head home and start taking down my fall decor to make room for my Christmas decor.  Then I'm off to mom's to help with the big meal.  Tradition!

This weekend will reflect a different sort of tradition that incorporates many turkey day standards.  Since high school the 4 Amigos (Rachel, Brenda J, Brenda A, and me) have gotten together each time an introduction is required (AKA each time a new guy needs to be inspected and approved of).  I've been the holdout in the marriage department so its been awhile since we observed this tradition.  However, its time for those who know me best (and have the most dirt on me) to meet Mark.  We typically go karoaking but this time that wasn't feasible so I decided to host a party.  With the holiday quickly approaching and my yearning for stuffing and gravy steadily growing stronger, I decided to make it a pre-Thanksgiving party complete with the holiday fixings.  Sadly, its been about 3 years since we were all in the same room so I'm hoping that this becomes an ongoing thing so we'll at least be together once a year.  Tradition!!

I have grand plans for Saturday but I also have low expectations for my ability to pull it off.  This will be the first time I've cooked my own bird - eek!!  I have a great cheer leading squad of people on speed dial so I should be alright. Besides, Mark will be there to help and he swears he has experience in the field of poultry preparation.  Still, as it stands I'm not sure whether I'm more nervous about cooking the bird right or gaining the full support of people who have stood beside me in so many other areas.  We shall see...  Wish me luck!  With both the poultry and the fella :)

So There's This Guy...

I know you're thinking "WHAT!??"  And that's okay; I'm good with that.  Its true, the cobwebs have definitely begun to develop in my dating life over the last few years for various reasons.  If you know me well, you know why so I won't get into that here and now.  That's not what this post is about.  However, currently there's this guy...

History is a funny thing sometimes and this guy and I definitely have plenty of that.  I'll start at the very beginning so you get the full picture.  When I was a sophomore at GHS, I took a shop class - one semester of wood shop and one semester of metal shop.  The class was filled with various grade levels from seniors to freshman. I don't remember many of the people in that class but there were three freshman I met in that class that still come to mind from time to time; Mark Davis, Mike Espinoza, and Mark Bouwkamp.  Mark Davis was the cousin of a close friend of mine that died of an aneurysm that year.  It was a very difficult and painful experience for both Mark and I and it bonded us for a short time.

The other two guys and I became fast friends after we discovered that we all loved wrestling.  During my freshman year I'd gotten involved as a statistician working under my sister's management of the team.  My sophomore year was to be my first year as manager and their first year on the team so we were all pretty excited for wrestling season to roll around in November.  We had a great season hanging out together and learning the ropes and expectations of the team.  My junior year of wrestling was by far my best year with a great, if not rough, group of guys who respected me and a good support system of statisticians.  Mike, Mark, and I were pretty much inseparable during any down time we came across.  However, that year Mike broke his arm midway through the season, putting an end to some of our fun.  When the season ended, after months of of him hinting at it,  I invited Mark to go to my Jr Prom with me and we had a blast at the prom and after-prom party.  As life goes, the next year (my senior year) brought many changes; Mike decided to not risk another break and hung up his singlet, my Jazz Choir switched their practice from mornings to evenings, and there was ongoing drama amongst the statisticians.  When I wasn't with the Jazz Choir, to avoid the drama I spent the majority of practices inputting records in the coach's office rather than on the floor with the guys.  Truthfully, I remember little else that we had in common in HS beyond wrestling and our love of shop class.  I do remember spending hours and hours talking to both guys as our HS years quickly passed by.

After my graduation, I still made a few visits to the Bouwkamp house and I was in the stands cheering when Mike & Mark got their diplomas.  As life often dictates, my friends and I went our separate ways after high school.  We all stayed local but it only takes a few fingers to count the number of times I've run in to my buddies from that long ago shop class.  However, the number of times I've thought of each of them cannot be so easily counted.

Fast forward to October 2010.  Out of the blue I received a mysterious voice mail from Mark who was "calling to catch up."  The details are irrelevant but within a week we were pretty much inseparable again.  Don't get me wrong, ALOT has happened in both of our lives over the last ten years.  My life and dreams have totally changed from those of the naive and innocent child I was as a senior in high school.  Mark now has three beautiful children and a reputation he's trying to make amends for.  Our paths went in totally different directions but over the last few weeks its been amazing to see how well our pasts fit together and compliment each other.  The foundation of friendship that we developed 13 years ago has made the beginning of our current relationship relatively effortless.  In many ways, when we're together, its like the last 10 years just disappear.  Unfortunately we'll be working through the results of those 10 years for awhile but we're taking it a day at a time.  In the meantime, "there's this guy" and I'm definitely twitterpated :)

1 lb, 2 lb, 3 lb, Floor

Two weeks ago, I cleared two milestones in my weight loss journey.  WooHoo!!  However, I currently find that I'm disappointed in myself.  I'm still eating healthier, staying active, and losing weight but my Jillian Michaels DVD is collecting dust; a clear sign that I've lost some of my motivation. 

Recently I've been in touch with an old friend from HS and, while I'm loving catching up with him and seeing how easily we still connect, I'm using my time with him as an excuse for not getting up early to work out.  A couple of weeks ago I was really noticing a difference in the tone of my body and feeling great about the direction I was headed in.  Now what I'm noticing is a lack of change and last night something happened that made me really aware of how far I have yet to go.  I don't like that awareness so tomorrow I'm going to kick it back into gear.  Wish me well friends!  I'll keep you posted.

Heavy Pickle Please

(Photo by A. Fisher Photography)

Last night, after a cumulative nine year battle with two different types of cancer, the Lord called my friend Amy home just shy of her 37th birthday.  Today, along with many others who's lives she touched, I grieve for the loss of my friend.  She has gained so much but she has left behind a loving husband who has already suffered so much and two beautiful daughters who will often lack for a mother's touch as they grow up.  I grieve for the moments she never will have.  I grieve for the hole she has left in our family of friends as well as her natural family.  If I'm being honest, I hate this!!   And yet... I know I have reason for rejoicing because she is no longer suffering, or bloated, or fatigued, or feeling the stress of life on earth.  I know she is now with Sunshine Joy and Josh's mom.  I know too that even greater than these two things, she is in the presence of our Savior.

Lord, as so many begin the grieving process, I ask that you help us to trust your perfect will in this situation.  Help us to rejoice more than we mourn.

To Amy; thank you for the laughs we shared, the encouragement you gave, and for the transparency you always showed me.  You have left a footprint in the sand of my life.  May the years pass quickly until we meet again.  PS - Last night I had a pickle loaded double cheese burger and instantly thought of telling you about it.  Two hours later I learned we'd never be able to have that conversation.  I'd tell you how jealous you should be but I'm sure the "extra pickles" in heaven far outweighs our sandwiches on earth.  Enjoy them my friend!!  I miss you already.

"Homesick"  Mercy Me

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

Clearing Out The Clutter

In a dust covered box in the back of my closet there is a collection of photos, cards, ticket stubs, letters, etc. Truthfully, I would never define myself as a collector. Sure, like most women I've justified finding a permanent home for various things I enjoy; a few Better Homes and Gardens and Real Simple magazines I think may one day be useful if I redecorate or have a family; shadow boxes for little tidbits, mostly seashells and stones, I've collected from various vacations and trips; 40 or so pairs of shoes; etc. I wouldn't go so far as to say that I've held on to those things with the intention of defining them as "collections" though. In my mind, collectors keep coins, rocks, or buttons, cats even. I am no collector. However, after rifling through this box last night, I cannot help but admit that I have my very own collection.

I remember when I started my little collection. The date, the time, the location - all of it - ingrained in my mind for the rest of my life. In fact, I could close my eyes right now and remember every detail of the evening, from the phone call that started the ball rolling to getting in my car to head back home. You see, the bits and pieces of paper, flowers, jewelry, etc. stored in the back of my closet are simply the tangible reflections of the collection of memories I hold in my heart. I would even go so far as to say that each little momento in that box is representation of a little piece of my heart that was given away. In many ways, a lifetime has passed since I started placing items in the box and more than a fistful of years has passed since I put anything in it. And yet, there it sits. Far from forgotten and yet the dust collects. On the outside of the box, in simple writing probably penned with little effort yet great thought, is a name.

Last night, in a moment of inspiration, I fought the numerous cobwebs and crawled to the depths of my little closet to pull the box down. Something told me I would be there for awhile so I placed the box on my bed and sat down beside it. Mindless of what little time I had to spend wading through old memories, I opened the box and found myself surprised. Not by the old baseball sweatshirt emblazoned with his last name (I vaguely recalled putting that on top so I'd remember to return it), not by the Grand Valley sweatshirt that was once a Christmas gift, or even the glass blown frog prince I put in the box the day he told me he loved me. What surprised me was that I opened the box, saw the contents, and felt nothing. No pain, no anger, no bitterness, no celebration - nothing.  I have many memories associated with the contents of the box but the strong emotion that was once tied to it has dissipated.  I'll always remember the details but I'm done agonizing over them.  That knowledge further inspired me to not put the box back in the closet.

As I went through the contents of the box, determining what to toss, what to keep, and what to do with the rest, I found joy bubbling up within me. Not the "celebration" I mentioned not feeling earlier, but genuine joy. Joy stemming from knowing exactly who I am and from recognizing how secure I feel in God's love for me. I think in the dark recesses of my mind, I'd felt a compulsion to hold on to the these things as a reminder that someone once loved me. In a weird (and possibly dramatic sounding) sense, they somehow represented my value. My heart can sing because I know that I am loved more intimately than any scrap of memory could ever represent. The lyrics of Selah's 'Sweet Jesus' rolled through my head as I reveled in the joy of my Savior's love!

Sweet Jesus, my Savior
You are my faithful Friend
You Made me, You know me
You've seen my every sin
And my soul is amazed
By this gift of Your grace
And these arms that take me in

Sweet Jesus, my Savior
You are my faithful Friend

Sweet Jesus, my Shelter
You are my faithful Friend
The Refuge that I run to
When my world comes closing in
Why should I be afraid
When I know I am saved
By the arms that take me in

Sweet Jesus, my Savior
You are my faithful Friend

Sweet Jesus, my Sheperd
You are my faithful Friend
You hold me, You lead me
I'll follow 'til the end
And once more I will say
On that beautiful day
When Your arms take me in

Sweet Jesus, my Savior
You are my faithful Friend

Sweet Jesus, my Savior
You are my faithful Friend

Tonight I will join my family for our annual camping trip to Sandy Beaches. A few of my "memories" will be joining me on the trip but I'll be leaving them there. I no longer need to hold on to the past. Its time to let it go... one rose at a time. Its time to clear out the clutter.

Slimfast, Green Smoothies, and Jillian Michaels

I've jumped back on the weight loss wheel.  You know the one; round and round it goes, when I'll give up, nobody knows...  I think we've all been there.  Unlike some people, I was never a heavy kid - I was far too picky for starters and for another I was too active for calories to stick.  Once puberty hit though, the battle started (thank you genetics).  In high school, I was relatively trim but was larger than all of my closest friends.  I lost about 20 pounds just before graduation and was able to maintain that weight loss for a couple of years.  However, landing a desk job did nothing to help my slowing metabolism and I started to steadily gain weight. 

Over the years, I've tried various diets from Weight Watchers to P90X.  The issue has never been the diet so much as the time required to put it into practice and the inflexibility to eat what I want, when I want.  Each time, I am consistent for about two weeks and then give up.  My excuses are many; too busy, family get together, bored, depressed, rewarding myself, etc.  While there is some validity to each of my excuses, they are still just that - excuses. I've long since recognized that I have a lack of self discipline and that I am the one making choices that are making me unhappy in how I view myself.  I also recognize that being fit and healthy is a lifestyle and not simply a goal.  Rather than jumping on the oh-so-familiar wheel, I'm taking control now and setting the pace for the rest of my life. 

That being said, the first element of health and weight loss - diet - is what intimidated me the most and therefore I tackled it first.  In early July I returned from my sun and sand vacation determined to make a few changes.  The more I thought about it, the more I came face to face with the reality that I don't have a schedule conducive to spending hours planning 3 healthy meals a day.  Someday I may but I can't live in the someday and right now my life has me on a constant time crunch.  Initially it was tough to admit that what I'd done in the past, relative to food, was continually set myself up for failure.  As I considered my options for healthier eating I was committed to finding something that wouldn't end in another failure.  I knew I needed something quick with as much nutrients as if I were eating 3 balanced meals a day.  The week I returned from vacation I purchased my first six pack of Slim-fast; taking my first step toward change.

Its been over a month and a half and I can say with confidence that its working for me.  I'm now 14 pounds lighter and I've stayed consistent - I love it!  For starters, its quick and easy (perfect for my insane schedule).  I wake up and slam my "breakfast" shake before hitting the shower - no muss, no fuss and the cans are recyclable.  I've reclaimed my lunch hours too.  The other plus is that the one I like, Creamy Milk Chocolate, tastes like chocolate milk; a treat I used to regret for hours after consuming it.  Now I get two "chocolate milks" a day.  YAY!!  The money I'm saving by drinking my $.75 meals is now being redirected to more fruits and veggies for snacking.  If I'm honest, due to a busy summer, I haven't changed my evening meals to be majorly healthy.  However, I'm still seeing about a 2 lb decline when I step on the scale each week and my pants are fitting a little better on my legs.  I'm excited to see what improvement will be made when I become more intentional about making healthier dinners.

One of the blogs I follow is that of a weight watchers addict who lost 80 lbs 8 years ago and has kept it off.  In a post a month or so ago, she put up an intriguing photo of a green smoothie and, after discovering all of the ingredients were things I don't hate, I decided to wipe the dust off my blender and give it a try.  After all, on Slim-fast I have to be more intentional about getting a decent amount of fruits and veggies each day.  The first attempt was less than appealing for various reasons; a) I forgot a couple of key ingredients, and because of that b)the sludgy green goo made my gag reflex kick in.  Much better the second time.  I actually really like them!  I don't drink them daily because they do require a little bit of time and a couple of ingredients I don't always have on hand but they're great a couple of times a week.  When I have more time I'll post a pic and the recipe.  Definitely a step in the right direction health wise - something that looks horrible must be good for me, right??

My favorite element of healthy living is exercise.  I say "favorite" loosely.  I really enjoy lifting; cardio not so much.  Don't get me wrong - I enjoy the benefits of a great work out and once my body has warmed up, I do actually enjoy pushing myself.  However, I'd much rather work up a sweat by working hard at something productive than by spending an hour forcing myself to stay on the treadmill.  After a month on Slim-fast, I decided to take it up a notch and finally add a consistent workout to my life.  Hello Jillian Michaels!  I recently started her 30 Day Shred and its already kicking my butt.  My first day I spent my 30 minutes with Jillian in the morning and went for a quick but slightly challenging bike ride with friends after work.  The following day I was well aware of how little I'd previously used those muscles.  Its a good pain though - as Jillian would say, "stressing your body, changes your body."  I'm hoping that the scale reflects my expectations of the amount of calories I'll burn now that I've added exercise to my healthy living routine.

Once I've made it to Level 3 of the 30 Day Shred, I'm going to add more cardio.  Jillian says that cardio is like weight loss extra credit.  That's how so many of her contestants on Biggest Loser drop as much as 20 lbs a week.  Its not a realistic goal for me but I'm all for adding some "extra credit" to see where it takes me.  I've done enough research to know that you need to continue pushing your body rather than maintaining a consistent routine and work out.  I'm hoping that adding more cardio to my 30 day shred will help me do that.  I would like to see myself at least fifty pounds lighter by the new year and I'm willing to bet that I'll need a bit of extra credit cardio to get there.

One thing that's really encouraged me and motivated me is reading through various weight loss success stories.  People who had convinced themselves that they couldn't do many things in life are now taking on things they never thought possible.  I want to join their ranks.  In order to do so I have to not only address my diet and exercise bad habits but also my mental ones.  For years I've told people that I'm the opposite of athletic; uncoordinated and clutzy.  While I never participated in a sports team, I have a history of being an active person.  When I was a kid I was so active that I was skinny and knobby kneed and I loved gym class, even in HS.  Yes, there are sports I'm not excellent at but there are other sports that I really enjoy and, given half the chance, I could probably be good at them.  That's my goal.  I would love to swim a mile without wimping out, maybe take on tennis again and learn to play so I'm not constantly chasing the ball, even play on a church softball team.  They're not lofty dreams...  more like a diving board to bigger ones; maybe a triathlon someday.  I want to achieve goals that help other people believe they can do the same.  I want to burn the wheel and be a success story!!

Update on Life

The weather is changing, the leaves are falling, fresh MI apples are available everywhere you look - all signs that another summer is quickly ending.  Its been a classic summer of craziness for me but I've also had a chance to take some time for rest too.  As summer comes to a close, I want to spend a little time sharing a few of the highlights (photos too) of my summer.

In early June dad and I were finally able to finish my desk and I started putting it to use.  Whereas my office used to appear a hodge-podge of things without a home in my house, the new desk creates a center to the room.  I now have a workspace and more storage for my projects.  The other half of the room is now where I exercise.  I got great deals on a few pieces of equipment but the majority of the space is open for doing my Jillian Michaels and P90X workouts.  I'm finding that I am much more motivated to exercise and work on projects now that I have an efficient space for those purposes. 

Late June found me in Alabama, truly visiting the South for the first time.  My aunt Susie needed to get away and just drive so we agreed to meet down in Mobile and spend a week in the area.  It was the first personal vacation I'd taken since HI three years ago and I really enjoyed the time of rest and relaxation.  The highlight of the trip was getting to know my aunt better.  As long as I can remember, she's lived states away and this trip gave us plenty of one on one to get to know each other.  She is an amazing lady and I was surprised each day by how much we have in common.  Our goal was to go snorkeling but the oil in the coast and hurricane Alex forced us to change our plans to include more history than beaches.  Regardless, we enjoyed our time together and never lacked for something to do.  It was hard to part at the end of the week but we both agreed that there will be more joint trips in our future. On the way home from AL, I stopped in Louisville to visit the Fishers.  We had a great fourth of July together with friends and family.  It was good to catch up and see first hand how well taken care of they are down there.

The first week in August I made my third trek to Canada with the Rhiza teens.  As with before, what an adventure!  This trip followed a similar route as the last one (inclusive of the Trail of Tears) but was much more intense due to the weather.  Whereas in the past, we've had great traveling weather and horrible bug problems, this trip was a total reversal.  When it wasn't raining, the wind was intense.  There was one day that my canoe nearly capsized a couple of times.  At one point, I was feverishly bailing water with a dinner cup while Austin Armstrong and Tyler Buckner rowed for all were worth to get us safely across McIntosh Lake.  Yikes!  Wind, weather, routes, and treasure chests aside, it was an amazing trip.  God has blessed our youth group with solid leaders this year.  I would be remiss in saying that there are not students that live on the edge so much that my heart aches when I lift them up in prayer each week.  I'm learning that the ache is a reminder that God has placed them in my life for a reason

I guess that's all for updates for now.  I'll keep you posted on anything else new and exciting that happens in my life.

Pride Comes Before A ...

As a new-ish independent home owner, I've had many instances where I've tackled projects and succeeded in accomplishing them on my own.  Each time there is a sense of empowerment that comes into play.  I find it very easy to take pride in my abilities but I'm also recognizing that there is a line where confidence in one's own abilities ends up reflected in pride or arrogance.  As much as I hate to admit it, I spend quite a bit of time balancing on that line.

Over the last few months, my dad and I have been working on building a new desk for my office.  Its a customized take on the Pottery Barn Bedford Project Table (http://www.potterybarn.com/products/bedford-project-table-set/).  Pier 1 had a similar desk that I posted on my office cork board as a "dream" desk but it was $900 so it was very much a pipe dream.  I was at a friend's house a few months later and I discovered that he'd built the very same desk customized for his family's needs.  From there the wheels started turning in my head and here we are.  Anyway, I purchased the materials for the desk in February, starting the process.  A few weeks later, we cut the components at my dad's and I took the parts home to edge, sand, and paint, thinking I'd be done by the end of the month.  Yeah right!  Not only have I edged, sanded, and painted, I've also routered, re-painted, poly'd, added brackets, assembled, re-configured (due to a significant size miscalculation), re-assembled, and there's still so much more to do.  Add to that unpleasant mix, two very busy people and what seemed a weekend project has turned into a 3 month time investment (probably 6 at the rate we're going).

Another project I've taken on recently has been a spring tune-up on my lawn mower.  I successfully tackled changing the oil, the air filter, and installing an alternate blade so the other could be sharpened.  All good things must come to an end though.  When I mowed my lawn the first time, something happened and the gears on the rear tires stopped turning.  I was too far in to not finish mowing the lawn.  Have you ever mowed a lawn with a mower who's tires refuse to turn??  Lets call it P90X lawn mowing.  Definitely not an experience I planned to repeat.  After a little online research, I had a couple of ideas on what was causing the issue and how to fix it.  Monday night I took things apart and discovered a stick wedged between the belt and track.  With a little elbow grease and grease up to my elbows, I was able to work the stick out and place the belt back in the track.  Last night I took the mower out for its maiden voyage - post repairs.  And the belt snapped just after I made my first outline of my property.  Outstanding!!

As I've struggled through both "sagas", I've been humbled in coming to terms with my own inabilities.  For starters, I am not a contractor or a mechanic.  I am a perfectionist.  I am concerned with appearances.  I am impatient.  I have a temper.  I am selfish.  I am pushy.  You see how much uglier it got as I made my list?  Yeah, me too...

How fortunate I am to serve a Savior who knew my imperfections when he chose to come to this earth to die for the sin of man.  "So then, shall I continue sinning?"  Certainly not!  I can, however, rest in the knowledge that he's covered my sin and also gave the Holy Spirit to help me conquer the temptation to dwell in my inability.  I am honestly no humbler or wiser through my current struggles and I am guaranteed to struggle and fail more in the future but its a relief to know its covered and he loves me anyway.

That's all for now.  I've gotta make a run for a new lawn mower belt.  Be blessed.

♫♪ On the road again ♪♫

We leave tomorrow night (after I get out of work) for Colorado Springs.  We'll meet my northern MI family in Muskegon and jump on the highway from there.  Our caravan will include 4 cars, 14 adults, and 8 kids ranging in age from 13 to 3 months.  The plan is to drive straight through, alternating drivers, on the trip there.  Our caravan back may play out a little different as a few people need to come home sooner and spending a few hours in a hotel hasn't been ruled out for the rest of us.  My hope is to go straight through and get back late in the afternoon next Tuesday.  We'll see...

The memorial will be a casual affair, more a gathering of family and close friends than a wake, so we've loaded our suitcases with jeans and khaki's per Susie's direction.  Dad will be doing the service part of things.  As the oldest son, he tends to lead the way in a lot of ways.  Being an ordained minister allows him to step in as a spiritual head as well.  We've been told that Chuck's favorite music will play constantly through the majority of the memorial; plenty of Merle and Johnny.  Chuck's favorite gospel song was Amazing Grace, so at some point Stephani, Leah, and I will be doing a three part harmony of the song accompanied by my cousin Lexi's husband Jesse.  It should turn out alright if we can keep our emotions in check.  Its always great to have the family together so our hope and prayer is that this trip, while obviously a bit more somber, will be a celebration of Chuck's life and legacy, as well as an opportunity to cherish the time we have together as a family.

We've been abundantly blessed by family and friends who've hugged us and prayed for and with us.  As we begin the journey west the prayers will continue and for that we are truly grateful.  Thank you for your thoughts, prayers, and compassion as I (with my family) grieve the loss of my uncle.

Charles Edward "Chuck" Kellogg

Chuck was born in Trumann, Arkansas and passed away at the Cancer Treatment Center of America in Tulsa, OK. Chuck was the retired, owner and operator of Jetway Liquor of Colorado Springs. He loved motorcycles and antique cars and was a member of several GMC Motor Home Clubs. He enjoyed restoring cars and motorcycles, taking trips with Susie, spending time with the grandchildren and hanging out with the guys at Apex Sports. He is survived by wife Susie Kellogg; daughters Robin (Mark) Nelson of Colorado Springs, Rona (Mike) Whiting of Colorado Springs; son Rodney (Jamie) Kellogg of Denver; grandchildren: Ian, Daniel, Chirstopher Nelson; Rosalie and Morgan Whiting; Jaycie, John, Jordynn and Jake Kellogg. Also survived by Mother-in-law Doris Turner of Ludington, MI; and his loyal companion, Chauncy. A celebration of Chuck's life will be held on Sunday, March 14 from 2-5 p.m. at the Chateau Apartments Clubhouse at 355 S. Union Blvd.

Saying Goodbye

My uncle Chuck lost his battle with cancer and went to be with the Lord at about 7:30 on Monday morning.  Its been a difficult week; coming to terms with the fact that he's gone, knowing what my aunt and cousins are going through, and making plans to head to a memorial service we prayed for three months wouldn't happen for another twenty years.  With coordination of ShoWest coming to a close, installation of the new KCBC missionary display in full swing, and maintaining the rest of my regular schedule; I feel like I was granted an emotional reprieve for a few days.  Now its Friday evening and other than a leisurely trip to Menards, I have no definite plans, so I'm taking a minute to be emotional.

The sun is slowly setting on a gorgeous March day as I look out the window.  I can't help but compare this closure of the day to the closure of my uncle's life.  Whereas dusk settles in slowly, Chuck's life was quickly cut short by a heinous disease that the world curses daily.  It is a disease that is no respecter of money, class, popularity, looks, or other health.  One that spreads slowly in some but aggressively in others.  Ultimately, a disease where a cure has not been found and many shattered lives lie in its wake.  Originally gall bladder cancer, when it was discovered in November, it had already metastasized to Chuck's liver.  Looking at the way events transpired, three months seems such a short amount of time to have the battle of his life; a sudden closure rather than a slow ebb.   

With the loss of Chuck, my family learns a new pattern of living.  Its been nearly 30 years since we lost my grandfather and otherwise our immediate family has remained intact; no deaths, divorce, or serious rifts.  I don't know if that's rare or common amongst families but I am grateful just the same.  Its just one of the many ways in which we've been blessed.  From what I've gathered, when grandpa died there were many painful firsts, moments where it took time to remember that things were in fact different, and even more moments tagged with "if only he were here to see this."  These things will be repeated with the loss of Chuck.  When the wound has healed and the scar has begun to age, there will be many times we will laugh when thinking of what Chuck's reaction would be to a certain situation, cry when we realize there should be one more person in attendance at an event, and smile as we look forward to the moment when we see him again; whole and healed.  We are what is left of those that go on before us and just as my grandmother grieves and yet finds comfort in seeing the way her family reflects her beloved husband's character, quirks, and interests, my aunt will find that her new pattern of life will remind her often of what a wonderful man she loved.


As I grieve with my family for the passing of a beloved husband, father, grandfather, brother, son, uncle, and friend, I can't help but think of family moments, taken for granted at the time but now treasured memories.  I encourage you to take a moment to make sure those you love know how you feel.  Let go of the petty family drama, because you will one day regret the wasted time, and instead grasp hold of the shoulder or hand of those closest to you and thank God for the moments you have remaining.  You never know how many of them there will be.

Ae

Shifting Gears... A Little Vulnerability

This weekend finds me in Sturgis, MI; spending time with my mom's sister, Jeannie, and her family.  I love the time I get to spend alone with her.  She's 18 years mom's senior so she's been around long enough to have plenty of wisdom and insight to offer a spring chicken like me.  Beyond that, I know that the things I share with her remain private so I don't have to filter what I say in case it gets repeated later on.  (I hope that doesn't make me sound atrocious.)  

As we spent the day catching up on family happenings and the like, we ultimately got around to talking about guys.  Guys from my past, guy friends, guys I've just met, etc. As a rule, I don't spend much time dwelling on guys.  As I shared with her, I don't spend much time praying for the right one either.  Maybe that sounds jaded.  I guess you just have to know me to know whether or not that's true.  When I was a little girl, and even into my late teens, I prayed consistently for the right man.  I was the cheesy girl who wrote letters to a future mate.  I knew that someday I would meet that perfect man for me, settle down (whatever that means), and start my life.  Instead, my life played out a little different and I "started my life" solo, which leads to many conversations (like the one today) about the men (or lack of one) in my life.  

Any time the topic of guys comes up, it causes me to not only reflect on all things men but also to look deeper.  A friend once told me that the reason I'm single is I give out a bad vibe.  "You're beautiful, intelligent, talented, and you can cook," he said. "The only thing I can figure is you're sending out a bad vibe."  Obviously, I took that to heart.  I've probably spent hours pondering his statement.  I've come to the conclusion that, if he's right, the vibe I'm sending is one of fear.  Following today's conversation, I'm sitting here thinking that I am not just fearful but absolutely terrified of giving my heart to anyone:

(here's where I stop caring what you're thinking reading this and just put down what's really on my heart)

I fear losing myself again in someone else

I fear making decisions again that will haunt me for the rest of my life

I fear regretting one more wasted kiss or embrace

I fear changes in my relationship with Christ due to giving my heart to someone again

I fear being subject to manipulation and control as a result of loving someone

I fear being summarized by my failures and condemned for my flaws all in the name of love

I fear being told again that what love means to me and another person isn't the same thing

I fear learning again that I'm not worth effort, time, consideration, or truth

I fear again accepting someone's family as an extension of my own, only to later see those relationships broken as well

I fear hurting my family again by introducing them to a person who will one day walk out of their lives, or worse, hurting those I love by being blinded to anything outside of another unhealthy relationship

I fear having dreams of the future ripped away again

I fear more nights of praying for slight enough sleep that I don't dream of being rejected all night long, only to wake up exhausted and in tears, having to face another day of constant thoughts of the person who thinks nothing of me

I fear feeling the ache of pain that comes with hearing the name of, or being asked about, the one person I'm trying so hard to forgive and forget

I fear having to alter my life again to avoid the pain that comes with recalling the memories associated with certain places or people groups

I fear being told again that conversations and moments that mattered so much to me were easily forgotten by someone else 

I fear having to forgive again

I fear again having to show my love by letting go and praying that God brings a godly woman into someone's life

I fear spending any more time watching the phone or the driveway for someone to change their mind and decide they can't live without me

I fear more hours of unnecessary tears

I fear additional years of explaining to myself that my value does not lie in someone else's ability to forget me

As many things as I fear, I have trust that if I'm not to live out the rest of my days solely "living in love with Jesus," He has an awesome guy in mind for me.  Probably one that's slightly jaded too, who knows what its like to feel as I have.  If my "right guy" wasn't hit by a truck as my recent facebook bumper sticker infers, our relationship will some day be one where each of our broken pieces fit together to create a whole picture.  A picture, might I add, that when the light shines on it, the cracks and blemishes that we carry with us allow a beautiful image of Christ to shine through.  On the other hand, just in case a big ol' Mack took out my Mr Right, I'm trying to live so that my collection of fears, failures, and blemishes make for a pretty good reflection of Christ too.  Afterall, whether or not I'm holding someone else's hand in heaven when I meet Jesus, I just want to hear "well done... you have been faithful."

Dangerous Travel

Yesterday afternoon, the doctors told my uncle Chuck and his family that he has about two weeks. He's in a significant amount of pain and his health is declining moment by moment. My uncle and his family would still like to get him home for his final moments but the two weeks the doctors have given him are contingent on him remaining in the hospital. The concern is that if he tries to go back to CO, he won't survive the trip. The last update I heard, the family was looking into bringing Chuck home in a 40' camper with two nurses (one of which is family). In order to do so with a clear conscience, the decision has to be Chuck's so no one feels the weight of making the wrong decision if the outcome is bad. Its been a quiet day for updates so far so we're hanging in limbo waiting to hear whether they've decided to brave the trip or not.

Please continue to pray. I believe in a God of miracles.

State of the Union

Its been over a month since I posted. Not for lack of anything happening, just rather a lack of time. I'll get right to work correcting that and also try to summarize where things stand in a few areas. Please forgive the lack of feeling that may seem apparent in my post. I'm finding its easier to state facts than dwell on the emotional end of things and what the facts represent.

Dad had his pic line removed on 2/12. Last I knew, mom had decided to keep the line for a momento. Sort of a badge of honor. He's knee deep in physical therapy and things are going well. He's made it very clear to his therapist that his goal is to be back on the bike come April. We shall see...

We received an update from my mom's sister in regard to Skip's health. While he's still able to recognize people, Skip is losing his ability to do every day things and is now requiring more and more assistance. I will be headed south this weekend to visit my mom's family and will update my prayer request for him (and the family) accordingly upon my return. Pray for safe travel for myself and an escape for my aunt as we enjoy each other's company for a few days.

Uncle Chuck is now a patient at Cancer Research Centers of America. He and my aunt and grandmother have been bouncing back and forth between the Springs and Tulsa for the last couple of weeks. The family gets an update nearly every day because as soon as the update is sent, something changes, and another update is necessary.

The first week he was there, Chuck was told he had the worst case of liver cancer they'd ever seen and he was advised to go home and make himself comfortable. The following morning he was told that they'd decided to face the challenge and would like to try him on a different type of more aggressive chemo; one that has been somewhat successfully used to treat colon cancer. He was told he had a 30% chance he wouldn't make it. He started on that immediately.

Last Friday he had surgery so they could put a stint into his bile duct to get the chemo into his body in a more direct manner. Monday they discovered that Chuck has a blood infection and pneumonia. He was given a 60% chance to survive. It was a rough night and we were informed Tuesday morning that we nearly lost Chuck at about 10 PM Monday night. Tuesday morning there was concern that his organs were beginning to shut down. He has been steadily improving since then though and the organs are functioning better now.

Below is the latest and greatest from my aunt, sent Tuesday afternoon:
"Things change so fast here that by the time I'm reading the replies from my update it's all old news. As I said the surgery on Friday went well and Chuck was feeling pretty good on Saturday. Sunday brought a whole new speed bump and Monday night was even worse. Sunday morning Chuck was too weak to move. I had to call the nurses and have them come and get him. They admitted him back into the hospital. He has an Ecoli bacteria in his blood and it has spread throughout his body making him weak and unable to swallow. He can't have any food or liquids because it goes to his lungs. Monday he seemed to be doing better. Was awake a lot of the time and was able to talk somewhat considering his mouth and throat were so very dry.

Monday evening about 10pm his body went into shock, his blood pressure dropped and his heart rate was extremely erratic jumping from 150 to 200, up and down, and I may be wrong but I was under the impression normal heart rate should be about 90 or so. They moved him back to ICU and the doctor said he may not make it over 24 hours. I called the kids and they left Colorado at 1am and arrived here at a little after noon today. My sister-in-law will be arriving at 10:20 tonight to help keep me from completely falling apart. She is a rock and I really need that right now.

Today he is doing better, but is asleep most of the time. He wakes up for just minutes and then back to sleep. He is extremely weak, still can not shallow, so is still not allowed to have anything by mouth. All of his medications and nourishment is going thru his IV or by shots. They found he has pneumonia in the bottom of his right lung, his liver is extremely swollen and is causing him pain.

Right now we are just trying to get him well enough to get him home. The chemo is put on hold indefinitely until we can get him over all this other stuff. I have no idea when we will be back home, for how long, or when I will be able to get back to work.

Thank you yet again for all the thoughts and prayers and help. Love and prayers to all. Chuck and Susie"

Please continue to join my family in prayer for these situations.

Hope

I made it through yesterday afternoon at work. Not the most productive but I did what I could. Last night was a bit more hopeful.

I spent yesterday evening at my parents discussing plans and eating chili and corn bread. Anyway, dad spent a lot of time on the phone with his siblings discussing things. My aunt says we're not done fighting. She contacted Cancer Treatment Center of America and another place and they're also looking into a more holistic approach. We're hoping to know more as soon as today. If these options tell us the same thing, we're going to have a big BBQ at my aunt and uncle's soon to celebrate Chuck's life and then a very intimate funeral will be done when he passes. As my dad was reminding Susie last night; Chuck knows where he's going so the separation will be brief and then we'll spend eternity together. We're continuously praying for a miracle so I won't allow myself to dwell on any of those possibilities right now.

I received the following email from my aunt this morning:
"Well, the doctor says that the past couple of months of chemo didn't do any good at all. The cancer has grown and he is stopping all treatment. He said continuing the chemo would cause more trouble then it is worth. The cancer has not spread to any other organs or anywhere else in the body, but it has grown within the liver and isn't getting any better."

"I will be calling Cancer Treatment Centers of America and also MD Anderson Cancer Center to find out if we can get a diagnosis from them. If our insurance will cover the cost we will be traveling to Phoenix and Houston to get their opinion before we totally give up. We have not given up on prayer and really appreciate all you have sent our way. Please continue to keep us in your prayers and thoughts and I will try to keep you all updated on our results."

Thanks to everyone for your thoughts and prayers... They are appreciated. Please continue to pray for my uncle and our family. Specifically for my aunt and their kids and grand kids.

A note to my CO family - though miles apart, we're sending love and prayers your way. I love you guys and my heart aches for what you're going through.

Heavy, heavy, heavy heart

The results from my uncle's last scan just came in. He's been given 2 weeks to 2 months... As I start this post I'm struggling to find words. All I can think is "why does the answer to our prayer seem to be no, Lord?" I know liver cancer is a tough battle without much hope but that doesn't mean that I wasn't holding out hope for this situation in the same way I do for others that I love who are battling cancer.

As I try to go about the rest of my day; putting coherent thoughts together, getting work done, and planning for another trip to Colorado, all I can think is that we're not ready to say goodbye. WE'RE NOT READY TO SAY GOODBYE LORD!!!!

I'm going to spend a little time in Romans 5 tonight.

Your prayers would be appreciated.

Milestones - Update 9 on Dad

Its been a busy couple of weeks... I think I'm back on top of things at work so I'm now tackling an update on dad.

He had two appointments last week; one with the surgeon and the other with the infectious disease doctor. The surgeon was very frustrated to learn the details of what had happened with the surgery. He's been performing these surgeries for 6 years and dad's is only the 4th case with infection. (In my book, that's a great track record.) That's the good news. The bad news is that, of the other 3 cases of infection, only 1 was due to infection being "carried in." The other 2 cases were due to infected hardware or sutures used to repair the rotator cuff, requiring complete replacement and a second rotator cuff surgery.

We won't know what type of infection dad has until he's off the antibiotics. Typically, he would have several weeks of the IV antibiotics and then several months of pill antibiotics. With the possibility of a second surgery looming, dad and his infectious disease doctor have decided to keep him on the pill antibiotic until a time when it would be more convenient to do another surgery - aka after bike and hunting seasons.

There are other good things that came of his appointment with the infectious disease doctor. Number one is a more aggressive treatment of the infection. The CO doctors put him on 500 mg dosage of the IV antibiotic. His new doctor has upped that to 800 mg. This will cut his total IV time from 6-10 weeks to 4-6. Also, instead of dad having to run into Grand Rapids weekly to change the dressing and port on his pic line and check his bacteria levels, he now has a nurse that comes weekly to the house to do all of that.

As to the title of this post, Monday dad will be returning to work. Yay!! Huge milestone. The doctor has signed off on him driving himself so for the last week he's been working on the details of that (similar to the special tools and tricks he had following the motorcycle accident). As of Wednesday, his pain level was decreasing and the evening chills have all but disappeared. He's been working all week to prepare himself for sitting at a desk all day by working at their home computer and tackling little projects around the house as well. Dad's not one to sit around so he's more than ready to get out of the house.

Praises - continued healing, ability to go back to work (this is a selfish praise for me as well as I don't realize how reliant I am on him here until he's not a part of my "team")

Prayers - continued healing, no recurrence of the staph infection once he's finished with the antibiotics, clarity of thought as he returns to work, safety driving

Home - Update 8 on Dad

We're home!! We pulled in yesterday afternoon around 4:30 and I nearly kissed the ground from excitement. I'm serious - its rough being trapped in a two seat convertible for two days. The backseat, where I spent most of my time, is cramped, drafty, and noisy. All whining aside, we had an uneventful trip.

Weather-wise, other than a lovely snow storm in South Haven, we either made it through an area just after a storm hit and the road was cleared or just before it came through. In KS there was mile after mile of frosted and frozen trees - Gorgeous! No photos of course :( We came through IA just after a snowstorm and passed about 10 spots where vehicles had slid off into the median or the ditch. Several had already been pulled out or were in the process of being pulled but of the others that were still there for our gawking pleasure, there were two still resting on their roofs. Yikes! Praise God for protecting us.

Another interesting factor in our trip was the temperature. The temperature outside steadily dropped as we traveled through CO, NE, KS, IA, and IL, but it grew warmer as we neared home. When mom pre-started our car yesterday morning at our hotel in IA, it was -13° with a windchill of -31°. DOUBLE BRRRRRR! It was kind of fun to watch the temperature gage go up and down as we drove from state to state. No comments please - you try and find things to entertain three people in a 24 hour car ride :)

Dad's condition continues to improve. He meets again tomorrow with Dr Jabara (MI Surgeon) for a second follow up appointment. Thursday he has an appointment with the Infectious Disease doctor that Dr Hackenberg (CO Infec. Dis.) referred him to. As I said in a prior post, he will continue to meet weekly with the Infectious Disease doctor until the bacteria is out of his body. It typically takes about 6-10 weeks. Each night he has an infusion of Cubicin to treat the staph infection. After we got home last night, and following our celebratory family dinner, mom walked through the process with Steph and Leah. As Brenda so adequately put it, any monkey can do it. Its tedious but not difficult to figure out so it'll just become part of the nightly routine around the Turner home.

One other point of interest - The staph infection that dad has is a type of epi-infection. Epi infections are skin based infections. This means that either an instrument or person that was involved in his initial surgery had not been properly disinfected or cleaned and skin bacteria was transferred into the surgical site and joint. There is no way of knowing who or what or even how but an epi infection is a slow growing infection with potentially fatal results if not properly treated. Dad left the operating table with the infection but the effects weren't noticeable until over a week later. If he would have tried to return to MI for treatment, the likelihood is high that he would have lost not only his arm but potentially his life. Praise the Lord for good doctors and the good sense to listen to their advisement.

Praises - safety in travel and continued healing in Dad's body.
Prayers - dad continues to have sweats and chills, mainly in the evenings. Each time his temperature is taken, it checks out, but the whole process wears him out. His shoulder continues to heal and ache. Before the trip, he was doing well with little pain but now he has some level of constant pain.